Thursday, November 22, 2007

I get it


Sometimes you have to lose everything before you realize what is important. I’m thinking about that now, about how I did lose something so close to me, so comfortable, and now after exhausting myself emotionally and mentally, I get it.

I see my faults. The things I didn’t do right, or the thoughts that I had that were unwholesome and never talked about. I see my shortcomings and I am happy to oblige each and everyone of them. I mean, what’s the point of being human otherwise?

I talked to my ex today. I miss him and I want him to know that I would do anything to have him in my life again. We aren't exactly talking but I know he's there for me and vis-versa. It goes both ways.

I tear up thinking about it. I’m one of those people who are so hard on the outside, but deep down inside, I am as human as anyone else.

I had became what I always hated. All the things I judge, I became. If you want the truth of it, I became that way because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the short period of time I have left – although there is probably is more – and I have been afraid of losing out on an experience or something that could change my life entirely. I try to do, see, experience, and feel as much as possible. I don’t think it will ever be enough and I have to accept it.

I am reminded of the time when I read Tuesdays With Morrie. It’s about an older gentlemen who gets Lou Gehrig’s disease and looks back on his life. A great book although I read it and ridiculed the story the whole way through until the end when he passed. I then cried through the last chapter or so.

Morrie was ok with it ending because he had no regrets. He lived a fulfilled life. He said what he felt, he did what he felt and because of that he had an enriched life surrounded by people who loved him.

The book made me think about whether or not I would react the same way - with no remorse. I feel as if I’d be clawing my way out of the grave. But I'm working on it...

I should have given you a reason to stay.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Songs:Ohia : I've been riding with a ghost

While you was gone you must have done a lot of favors
You've got a whole lot of things I don't think
That you could ever have paid for
While you've been busy crying
About my past mistakes
I've been busy trying to make a change
And now I made a change

I've been riding with the ghost
I've been doing whatever he told me
I've been looking door to door to see
if there was someone who'd hold me
I never met a single one who didn't see through me
None of them could love me if they thought they might lose me
Unless I made a change

See I ain't getting better.
I am only getting behind
I am standing on a crossroad trying to make up my mind
I'm trying to remember how it got so late
Why every night pain comes from a different place
Now something's got to change

I put my foot to the floor
To make up for the miles
I've been losing
See I'm running out of things
I didn't even know I was using
And while you've been busy
Learning how to complain
I've been busy learning
How to make a change
I made it (almost) (again)

Friday, November 16, 2007

I'm not that predictable

It’s that kind of afternoon again, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were sinking every time you left the house, or the office, or wherever it is people congregate.

I do two things this morning. I shake my head because I realize it’s Friday; normally that’s ok, but god, time is whirling around me and passing by so fast that I can only fear that in a year or two: I will be eighty. The second kicker is that I am just realizing this now.

I pack on the layers today. First, jeans, then a t-shirt, a sweater, a scarf, and my black jacket with so many buttons and such a conservative design; one might think I were joining the military or some sort of ah-hoc feminist movement that hasn’t ironed out the “oh, by the way NO MEN ALLOWED” details yet. I am wearing too much black today.

We all need gimmicks.

I hear the muffled sounds of people today, sometimes I have more in-tune with my surroundings, but today I am blissful of my ignorance. I find time passes by quicker when I find something to zone out one. I’m a programmer most of the time so it’s easy to stare into the computer screen, filled with logic and possible areas of improvement, and then focus; minutes turn into hours, then the day is over.

I have these two screens, with various applications opened on them both, music on random, eyes have focused, and my brain constantly churning. Sometimes I find it a bit too bright. Sometimes I wonder how much radiation has passed through my body and whether or not it’s creating or killing the cancers that are at everyone’s backdoor.

I limp out to my car, depending on my knee, or foot, or back, and I may or may not be rushing due to the rain. I may not even think about how life could be so predictable this time of year. Because of the weather you have to compartmentalize your life, otherwise you become listless and susceptible to the ever popular seasonal disorder.

This is how it stands (work is a given Monday to Friday):

Monday is spin class with funny haired guy. It’s insulting I don’t remember his name but he doesn’t know mine either. Besides labels are better when describing strangers to people who may have seen the face but have not caught the name. I think it’s important to label everyone in your world.

Tuesday is gym day. There are far too many hot, straight guys that go to the Y. I need a new gym.

Wednesday is Hot Yoga. After the class I tend to replace a lot of the toxins I have sweat out with new toxins. Then I complain about how Hot Yoga is ruining my back.

Thursday is spin class again. This time it’s with Carey. We all know his name because he’s the only instructor that plays half decent music in the evenings. He’s the reason I started spinning. After the class my roommate and I go grocery shopping and watch America’s Next Top Model. I think after a few years of this show, I am finally getting sick of it. I don’t want to tell Michael for fear I will hurt his feelings. I will still pretend to love it.

Friday is work out day. Then martinis. I worry I am becoming too predictable.

Saturday is Hot Yoga. I tend to go out Saturday nights. It’s one of the few nights were Victoria is alive. I know, I’m getting to old to go out, but hell, I’m single and alive. That’s got to account for something? Please tell me I’m right.

Sunday is open ended and depends on a lot of things.

My life in the winter. I have left the summary of my days rather short. There may be other things happening like a trip away, or baking, or cleaning the toilet. There are a lot of other things I do, but this is a fine example of how things become unsurprising.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

I'm fucked

I lost my friend…

What can I say? I can’t communicate. I’m a wreck of a person.