I’m heading home in three weeks to that place I wrote about previous to this. That small town that I carved out in some of my earlier blogs My sister is now living with her boyfriend Ryan, who initially was my friend, but when I left for University they started dating. They tried to hide it, although they were together most everyday. They would initiate hanging out. They played me for a fool. The one thing I hated more then anything about the situation is the fact that they actually thought they were smarter then me.
I’m not sure where they are living, or what they are renting for that matter. I have a four to five year old nephew that I have seen once; I have family that I haven’t seen in close to five years besides. I owe them at least closure. I am on a different current now, and to be lead back into the bowels of my creation, into the land that shaped me and formed me, it will be a struggle to say the least.
It’s a shame I haven’t spoken to my sister over the phone in such a long time. I couldn't even give you an estimate as to how long it’s been. But to blame myself is selfish; we have both contributed to this breakdown in communication. The last few times we did talk, it was about negative things, and I called her on it. I called for her to gain strength over the situation, but instead of it being accepted, I was attacked. And after I throw out the line, I can’t give much more, I can only retreat, hoping one day reason will prevail.
What else has changed? American’s are now buying up cheap waterfront property in the smaller communities for vacation purposes. It’s cheap, and with a fraction of the cost, they can get the home they have always dreamed of.
Tourism has also changed the small output communities that litter the coast. Since the days of the moratorium Newfoundland has struggled to mark another industry to subsidize one of the greatest loses in Newfoundland history. Thanks to oil revenues, we are able to fund a lot of projects centered around heritage renewal, and with that, in floods the tourists.
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To Quote Dorothy Allison “Two or three things I know for sure, and one is that I'd rather go naked than wear the coat the world has made for me”. When I arrive I will be a newborn again. I will be coming of age in a community that will know me truly for the first time. This time though, I have power.
So what has changed? The outer shell of a place that will always have the same spirit. The same energy, people, isolation will always exists. I will relish in the foods I ate, and the people who interested me, who inspired me to think differently.
And what do I know? Nothing. Something? I know I’m still here. I know that if someone calls me a fag, it will no longer break me. I know who I am. I know that nothing can ever hurt me again with respect to my sexuality. I know I’m full-formed, completely, and utterly comfortable with myself.
There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
So I begin again in a few weeks. I test the waters of all the relationships I recklessly left behind, without remorse. I hope I haven’t changed in their eyes, and in a way, I hope they have made changes. For there was a lot of things I left behind, being grateful, at the time. We will see….
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