Life in a nutshell

I have a lot of news to fill everyone in on.

Firstly, I want to address the workmate situation. As it stands, we have let him go. He came into the office - after my boss popped by to ask him if he had a minute - and came back a few minutes later. Visually, I could see he was distressed and probed, “Is everything alright?”

“Well”, he responded, “he pretty much let me go”. It looked as if he was going to cry and his head sunk down. I had a mix of emotions. I do realize that when I get into situations that make me uncomfortable I sometimes break out into a smile or giggle to myself. After hearing him, I got up and walked out of the office for a half an hour.

He couldn’t understand why he was being let go. He said he thought he was doing a good job and didn’t see it coming. He complained about not getting feedback, etc. I heard him express these things and became a little upset. I shut the office door and talked to him for two hours. I think at the end of his conversation he was like “Oh, I really did fuck up, you’re right”.

He applied for a new position at the company. It’s in the other building and it’s a lesser role. Guess who created this role? Guess who oversees its operations? It’s me. He told me and my jaw nearly dropped. It’s ok though, I don’t mind, but once again I will have to train him on a process that is less complicated but still….I am happy he isn’t left out in the cold.

The second big thing is the move. I have moved about seven blocks down the road. I’m moving in with a buddy. His straight roommate Ryan isn’t leaving until Saturday though and we have two sets of furniture stuffed into a character home. It’s a bit unnerving but I have learnt to be tolerant and let go. They are both great people and I’m happy to be in that space regardless of how disorganized it is.

I like having fun with Ryan. He’s a really attractive guy and I throw out comments like “Ryan, I have one rule…after ten nobody wears pants in my household”. He takes it with a grain of salt and tells me to fuck off. I love our relationship.

In about a week everything should be settled away. I will have a new phone and my things will be sorted. I’m not too concerned right now.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I met my father in Vancouver. It was fine. We had a few nice dinners, one small argument, and he is totally cool with me being gay. In fact, nothing has changed at all; I can’t pick up any apprehension or tension. One night at a restaurant I pointed out a cute waiter and he had a conversation about it. My dad thought he was too feminine. I agreed but pointed out I’d do him just for the body and the look. He doesn’t have to talk.

Sorry to summarize this so much. I’ve been too busy to devote a lot of time to blog lately. Hopefully in a week or two I can return to this and elaborate a bit more about all these epic events.

No kind of life

You rely on someone else to make you feel alright.
As far as I'm concerned, it's no no kind of life.

The Fall

It's here.

I'm heading to Vancouver on Saturday to visit my father who I haven't seen in over three years. He has conferences all day long and I will be living it up at the Mariott (one of the nicest hotels in Vancouver). I plan on heading to the spa, ordering room service, lounging in the pool, hiking the grouse grind, biking around the city, and doing some hardcore shopping on Robson Street.

I have a feeling nothing really happens in Vancouver during the day. I will have to try to set up a few dates for the early morning when dad is away at work, lol.

One more thing, I'm on Zyban to quit smoking. It's been ten days on the medications and each morning I awake extremely early with a jumble of horrific images in my head. The drug itself changes your serotonin levels which regulate both sleep and mood.

Low levels of serotonin have been associated with depression, migraine, bipolar disorder and anxiety. Now, I am not a depressed person, nor do I ever get depressed; this drug makes me sink once in a while for brief periods. I know I shouldn't be playing with my mental state but I really want to stop smoking. I will handle the visions, the mood distriburances, and hopefully I will no longer smoke in a months time.

I'm really optmistic about ending this habit this time around. I have no need for it anymore. Wish me luck!

People...

There are so many of us. One city can house millions of people in various stages of life, with different tastes, jobs, lives, and we have one thing in common, we are all human.

My friend Scott passed away last weekend. He was in his 40's, HIV positive, in excellent shape (he was a gym rat), and was quiet and shy. He would hit on me when I went to the gym but he was too shy to say hi to me. I would gingerly walk by, nod, acknowledge his smiles and hope I didn’t come across as interested. Scott didn't even know I was gay until he saw me at a party with mutual acquaintances.

Scott had a heart attack. Its ok, I knew him but I didn't know him that well. It got me thinking though how many people would miss Scott. Did Scott have a group of friends and family in his life? I have no idea really. I always took him to be a loner. He seemed to always be in his own quiet, little world; this was my impression of Scott.

Will he be missed? I mean one life out of billions that blinks out of existence; in the great scheme of things it doesn't really matter. I knew Scott, Scott's dead; life goes on...It sounds shallow I know. But I look at the vast number of people in this world and I finally realize none of us really matter. That’s not entirely true, we affect the people around us, and hopefully we live really awesome lives but unless we hold a position of power or social influence our life is meaningless to 99 percent of the world’s population. We are but a speck.

Maybe I’m taking the pragmatic approach to it all. I won’t wrap it up in romanticism nor will I give it a more positive disposition, and I want to stress this, you’re life is meaningless. If you are reading this instead of helping third world countries in Africa, or at least thinking about helping them, then I feel sorry for you. If you are reading this instead of trying to climb the ladder of your countries political system, or develop a cure for cancer, or work in the field of AIDS research, or anything worthwhile for that matter…I don’t want to meet you.

In fact, if you sit around all day long and complain about life and expect everything to be handed to you, then you will never be worthy of a life. If you give up easily, or complain about mundane things, such as your steak being medium instead of medium rare, then I am sickened to my stomach in your presence. If you are on welfare, you suck. If you are too stunned to get an education, so be it. If you wake up every morning and rush for your remote control instead of to your window to see how the day is…you should think about what is more important.

Ground yourself friends, be humble, give thanks and thank, you only have one go of it and you may just drop dead of a heart attack, get hit by a bus, or have an aneurysm that could pop at anytime. What are we fucking doing? Sky dive, base dive, fuck strangers, eat unhealthy foods, and have more than one glass of wine a night; take a few vacations even if it breaks you financially. Don’t hoard your money, don’t gossip about your friends, and for fuck sakes smarten up and start looking around…look at things, don’t just walk by thinking about how you need to lose weight, or how you want a condo real bad in the downtown area; just fucking think about life, not the material things.

Please, don’t take it for granted. Don’t be a shy person who is afraid to take risks. Don’t let disease defeat you and always try to look for the good in every situation. Don’t be what I thought Scott was…alone. And the great Plato will tell you “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle”. Fitting isn’t it? In other words, the world has enough assholes, let’s try as hard as we can to rid ourselves of ego, selfishness, and the shallowness we all encounter from the people around us. It’s a hard fight.

I rant when people die. It’s my nature.

My Workmate

I came into work this morining only to see my IM opened with a message from the young guy I'm mentoring. As it turns out, he was trashing me and sent the message to the wrong person. HAHA. Check it out:

Geoff [5:02 PM]:
try being on charlies (5 questions a day) rule

Geoff [5:02 PM]:
that's so annoying

Geoff [5:02 PM]:
im learning a bit more finding the answers myself, but it takes ALOT longer

Geoff [5:03 PM]:
which is one of the reasons i'm helpin ya

Geoff [5:03 PM]:
hahah

Geoff [5:04 PM]:
lol

This is hilarious. The minute I read it I question him about it. "Ummm, Geoff, I opened my IM today and noticed you had a few things to say about me", and I must say this is the funniest thing that has happened to me in a while. He turns red and suddenly starts covering his own tracks.

"Yeah, I meant to send that to you...", still red and obviously telling me the biggest lie ever.

"Interesting, I don't think so, it seems to be addressed to someone else. This is why it's important to be meticulous Geoff...", and I go off on a rant. Here I go again trying to father him.

"Don't worry Geoff, I'm not pissed off, it's actually quite funny", but as it sinks in, I realized that a) he has lied to my face about this, and b) he was hoping I would be dumb enough to fall for it.

As I'm writing this he's scrambling at his desk to try to find the location of a meeting that he just missed. God, he's not that bright.

I'm glad it's Friday.

Lady with Baby

This song is about two closeted, young gay guys getting it on:

god bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
remembering when you were mine
in a still suburban town

when every thursday i'd brave those mountain passes
and you'd skip your early classes
and we'd learn how our bodies worked

god damn the black night with all its foul temptations
i've become what i always hated
when i was with you then

we looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
fumbling to make contact
as the others slept inside

and together there
in a shroud of frost, the mountain air
began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
and i held you closer than anyone would ever get

do you remember the JAMC?
and reading aloud from magazines
i don't know about you but i swear on my name they could smell it on me
i've never been too good with secrets
no…

and together there
in a shroud of frost and mountain air
began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
and i held you closer…

Messy People

As you may have read in previous entries, I have a new study project. It's my workmate, and I am completely entranced with his lifestyle. Right now as I type he is drinking pop from a mug, while finishing off his deep fried chips (with hot sauce) and a two patty burger; he licks his fingers as eat bite goes down.

I don't mean to be critical...When I asked where we are going for lunch today he suggested "Wings!" and we left it to a vote. The wing idea was thrown away but we ended up heading across the street. I mentioned I wanted something healthy and decided to have a wrap with chicken, beans, and brown rice; my other co-worker followed me, and this dude decides to order a burger.

"You eat like a 12 year old girl", he tells me. I roll my eyes thinking about my eating habits.

"No, I usually eat three times a day. The difference between you and I are our choices in foods".

All my friends think I eat a lot. I mean, I'm constantly having fruits, some sort of healthy stir-fry, or some reasonably planned meal with healthy foods. Just because I'm not eating MacDonald’s or greasy burgers doesn't mean I'm starving myself.

People are turds. Well, some people are turds.

"I want to start collecting all the take-out menus for restaurants in this area. I mean, that way we can all get together and pre-order so we don't have to wait", he tells us after obviously thinking heavily about this.

"That's great, man. Fucking wonderful". We are very different people. Once again, this is someone who is a lot different that the majority of people at my workplace. Maybe it’s youth, maybe it’s upbringing, personally, I have no idea what it is, all I know is I find it really entertaining.

I miss you Jesus

I found a guy who thinks really deep thoughts, what’s so great about really deep thoughts?

I haven’t seen my family for over three years now. The last time I saw them we vacationed together in Fort Lauderdale, which is the vacation spot of their choice. The last time I saw my parents I was still in the closet but just beginning to reclaim my sexual identity. I was on vacation and going through a major life change – I was gay and I was ready to tell them.

The last time I saw them I was twenty three and they still affected me. They could make me argue, anxious, and yeah, I wasn’t the bigger adult – I guess most of us aren’t when it comes to having a dysfunctional family.

Since then, I have came out them and I haven’t seen them since. When I meet my father in two weeks he will be meeting a different person. I am now not just his little boy, I’m a gay male who wants to be respected, and, I want him to be proud of me. I am a little nervous about the whole meeting but I don’t think anything has changed between us.

It will be interested to see if he treats me differently. Regardless, I’m excited, and it seems like a lot of great things are happening in my life. I have met some great guys who I will explore and hopefully something will come of it.

Churchy Church

Flooded

My workmate…enjoys food.

We hired him over a month ago and it’s been an adventure people watching this one. His desk usually as an assortment of plates that once contained food, two litre bottles of coke or coke products, a large bag of chips (probably still with the trans-fats in them), and an assortment of subway wrappers, forks, and crumbs.

I’m having a hard time mentoring him. I have had years of experience first being a product plant worker, then trainer; a tour guide turned trainer; and now, in my current position I automate processes, develop applications, and I train people on applications. I sometimes give presentations, and I think I communicate my ideals quite well; I am a configuration manager/software developer though, that is my title, the training is secondary.

I have found that if people know the lingo and take the opportunity to learn, they excel and we are able to discuss the complexities that exist in our business. And other times, I find other people have their head in the clouds. They are more concerned about getting a good deal on a two litre of pop or how big or small the deli sandwiches are at the grocery store. It’s all fine and well but I wish the same exuberance was expressed when dealing with work.

As you can tell, I’m having a difficult time right now. I have exhausted a lot of avenues trying to find common ground. I have tried to access whether or not my co-worker is visual by drawing diagrams and mapping out procedures; I have tried to communicate verbally our processes and expectations; and, I have tried to point him to various documentation and literature. Am I missing something?

I sometimes think people just aren’t driven or motivated to want to excel and learn. I can only hold someone’s hand for so long before I expect people to be able to learn on their own or take initiative. There are systems and procedures we have in place that I have had to explain multiple times, expecting him to remember or write it down properly, but I find myself having to go through the processes too many times. Someone that should have taken up double my time is now taking up much more.

The barrage of questions…oh my God. This morning alone, I think I was asked about ten questions in the period of an hour. Some of them obvious with the answer staring right at him…and what does he do…he asks me instead.

I’m venting, I know. I’m just frustrated. Not everyone gets it, I have to understand that, but still, my little brother could have figured it out by now. I have more confidence in a thirteen year old.

Where do I see him in six months when we review him? For one, he will have probably gained about twenty pounds, he will be still working on some of the projects I have given him, and he will be reviewed. It all depends on how he handles the next four and a half months. Right now I have my reservations and will keep them to myself.

His question asking may be attributed to a difference in schooling. I went to an institution where answers are not fed to you. You are given an assignment with very limited information and you have to make an effort to understand and learn. They don’t make it easy for students and at times it can be a constant struggle.

He went to a college that spoon fed answers and you can see it just by the questions I am asked on a day-to-day basis. I am to the point where I reply “Figure it out yourself” or “Don’t ask me simple questions like that without first trying to find the answer”. I feel bad about the way I am reacting but at the same time it’s “sink or swim”. There is only so much I can do and I have to make sure he starts learning on his own and is able to adapt/survive.

My vacation is coming up in a month or two and I don’t feel comfortable having him left as the main go to guy.