The new guy...

hill, originally uploaded by copeseticnature.

I remember a time when the city was full of architects and debutantes.

Brad and I are going strong. And yeah, I know, I won’t be writing every blog about this guy. I just want to let everyone see the good things in my life also. Most of the time I rant and I am judgmental, critical, dissatisfied; really I’m not though.

We were lying in bed last night and all I can do now is smile and look into his eyes. He smiles back and I start to get the ‘butterfly effect’. If you asked me how this would have played out six weeks ago, I would have told you I’m going to fuck around for a week or two and it’s over. Cause I’m not the settling type.

And here I am. I don’t want to mess around with anyone else. I am really turned on by the guy and my weekends involve planning things with him. We have our Sunday’s together – it’s common knowledge, and if we were to miss a Sunday, I would worry.

I have been saying some nice things to the guy. I first asked him what kind of guys he responds to; guys that treat him poorly and are emotionally unavailable or guys that are affectionate and kind? He picked the latter; I’m glad because it’s the way I generally am when I am into someone.

I told him that I enjoyed his company and with him all my problems and stresses disappear. I also comment on how handsome I found him and relayed the fact that I do ‘Like him”. I can’t say the other words. I am afraid of the response if I told him everything I am feeling. It’s too soon. One day.

Let me tell you all something. I’m a little scared. In fact, I’m terrified that I am going to fall for this guy and one day, he will get sick of me, or hell, he’ll cheat. I know he’s not like that though. I know a winner when I see one. But still, I think because of my earlier relationships with men, I am not used to dealing with someone who is actually an upstanding person. I’m not used to dealing with someone that treats me like a person. I’ll have to play it out. I mean, what’s the point of going through life without taking chances?

I can see a lot of things with us. I can see us settling into some small community and living a rather slow-pace life. I want some kids, a nice garden, and maybe start up our own business, travel a little…anyway, I’m over thinking things.

I’m seeing a new guy and he’s great. That’s all we both need to know.

I can't take my eyes off of you

I think I'm falling for him.

My Imagination

What's the immaterial substance
that envelopes two,
that one perceives as hunger
and the other as food.

I wake in tangled covers,
to a sash of snow,
you dream in a cartoon garden,
I could never know.

Innocent imitation,
of how it could be,
if when the music ended,
you did not retreat.

In my imagination,
you are cast in gold,
your image a compensation for me to hold.

Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.

Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.

Life, man

Living is breathing full, opening your eyes to the world around you and not wasting time on the trivial things. It’s standing tall, full of conviction with thought provoking ideas and a smile that isn’t limited to a particular time and place.

Living is going to bars with strangers who know as much about you as you know about them. Living is dressing with zest, owning art, eating good meals. Living is pretending you know what you’re doing when you don’t know anything for certain and what you do know seems to be changing all the time. Living isn’t about a plan, it’s about an ideal.

Living is knowing when to quit. It’s knowing when to call your bluff and take a plunge into the unknown. Living is about being everything you can be, and, the best you can be no matter who or what is stopping you. Living is knowing your wants and needs. It’s filling Maslow’s hierarchy to the nth degree.

My hand is numb today, numb to the pain; the throbbing muscle in my carpel that seems to be getting worse. My fingertips are vibrating and my right hand is usually purple in the mornings. I keep thinking it’s going to get better. I’m an optimist! It’s not. It’s only going to get worse. One day, when I least expect it, it’s not going to be better and I will have to make the pilgrimage into the doctors office and request the snip.

There was a time when my hand was fully functional. It was before I started working and realizing that life is about entrapment. Life is about taking a person so full of promise, so full of expectation and love for the world around him, and putting that person in situations where he no longer has a choice. We have to beat them down. We have to manage and control, we have to take the people who grow up with promise and let them know that it was just a dream.

Living is rolling with the punches. It’s letting people take advantage, or even letting people lie outright and noy even skipping a beat when you find out. It’s about shedding all the moral righteousness that people wear on their sleeves. It’s about seeing past everything and finding a place that no longer affects. It’s about become cold and numb to the nuiances in life and becoming totally selfish and absorbed in your own pleasures.

The real world is a nightmare and as much as we want to wake up, as much as we want to acknowledge that this is just temporary – “I’ll work for a couple more years, save up, then I will do the things I want” – it’s just a dream. It’s hope that we all have; hope that we hold on to; we want purpose. It’s ok though if you are content. Obviously I have given it much more thought as you.

I want to live. I want to consume as many positive things as possible. I want to meet as many interesting people as I can. I want to smile constantly, live life to the fullest, pass each day knowing that I did as much as I could and it’s not lost. It’s never lost in my eye. I want to be surrounded with color, compassion, love; I want everything. I want my soul to be filled constantly with no downtime.

Want destroys perspective. I know I want too many things. It’s been with me all my life; I think it’s because I missed out on so much when I was younger. I was too patient, I was too timid, and I didn’t find strength and conviction until a much later age. I think I was 23 before I snapped out of it. It being everything in my line of sight, everything in my life. I didn’t see until a much later age, you know. And now that I see the beautiful, the promise, I want so much more.

I am in my office and looking from office to office, noticing my co-workers. I feel sorry for them, caged up so. Some are young and full of energy. They are fresh out of school with a “I will succeed attitude”. They want it so bad and they haven’t been in the working world long enough to see. They haven’t lived their lives. And, yeah, I know I am projecting. I haven’t lived my life. I am totally being a hypocrite as I sit here and judge them. Sometimes I feel as if this is all I know and will ever know. As much as I complain I have this great fear that five years down the road I will be doing the same thing: critiquing everyone but myself.

I feel anxious about succeeding in a mediocre world and I’d rather live.

Relationships and worries

I used to be afraid of the dark, even until my later teen years. I would stumble home on a Friday or Saturday night and head downstairs to my bedroom. The whole time I would think about the monsters lurking in the dark, some unknown presence that could jump out and grab me and pull me away to its dark lair.

As I have gotten older, I no longer fear the demons in the dark but I want to be clear about this: I do have demons. I think they prevent me from getting close to people. They are my guards. They are the reason why I am so adamant about not falling in love or being in a relationship. They tell me I am better off alone.

I am fighting my demons so I can still be with Brad. It is a difficult struggle and I am constantly fighting my mind to rid myself of the doubt, or the strength I accumulated after my last devastating break up. Regardless, it’s happening, although I can’t measure it; I am in a different place right now and the future will only tell where it will lead me.

As I head out this weekend and enjoy St. Paddy’s Day. I can’t help but notice all the men – the majority straight – guys who are around. They are clad in the usual dress, and once or twice I manage to strike up some conversation.

One guy in particular approaches me at a small pub Brad and I went to. He tells me he’s bi and would love to fool around with myself and a girl. I flirt a little; he flirts back, and then behold, Brad steps forward to end our fun.

He tells me it’s because he thought the guy was being rude. The funny thing is, I really don’t mind. When he stepped in between us and had a talk with the other guy I was smiling. Normally I would be profoundly upset, but this act actually made me like him more. He was jealous although he didn’t admit it.

The past few weeks have been a trip. I have been very open to spending my time with one guy. We have cooked dinners together, went for hikes, watched movies, and even smoked a little pot.

He makes me laugh. He makes me a little jealous. He turns me on to no degree. I am asking myself why I don’t love him. Why I can’t – after 6 weeks – be totally and utterly smitten with this dude. Victoria’s number one bachelor and still nothing…well, there is something, but it’s not the unbridled passion I seek.

It’s for the best, I guess. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to fall into the trap of being head over hills. I like still having my wits about me. But oh, how I miss that romance; how I miss the gripping, uncontrolled, tumultuous passion I once had.

There is only one thing left to do. Play it out. Maybe I will find this same passion but in a different way. Maybe I’ll never find that passion again? Maybe I’m getting old and I really can’t be as picky as I once was. I still have my looks, and I have so much more, but how long will it last?

I see so many old and haggard gay men who troll it up at the gym. They walk through the bushes at parks, and they pick up hitchers, hang out in hot tubs and hot springs, and walk the local hiking trails.

They are everywhere. It’s so strange, you know. How five years ago I could go to these places and be oblivious to it all; now, it’s all I can see. I can smell them, sense their eyes raping my body, and, their desperation.

I don’t want to be an old troll and if it means finding something that is close to passion, which never equals what I once had, so be it. Besides, I don’t even like hot tubs.

Can't feel a thing...

When did I realize that everything I ever knew in this world was false?

I’m 28 now.

I’m single – business as usual if you ask me.

And, I’m living the American Dream. Accumulation, wealth, material possessions, cars, good careers; God, when will it change?

I think most people are ok with it. I think I should be ok, but I’m not. If anything I am getting worse. I find myself wanting to retreat more and more and my mind is fantasizing about something more romantic. That’s why I write, I want to secretly be a great writer, or photographer, or join some sort of green peace organization where I travel the world empowering people with purpose.

I want more….

I’m seeing a guy named Brad now. It’s been close to a month and this is – on record – one of the longest relationships I have had. We don’t just spend a couple of hours together; we spend weekends together.

Brad makes me laugh; Brad makes me smile; Brad makes me realize that no matter how great someone can be, I still don’t think I’m capable of being in love again. And, trust me, if I were to be in love it would be with someone like Brad. He has everything I want in a guy…

I think some people are destined to live a different live. Not everyone is family material. I dream of the white picket fence with children, PTA meetings, soccer practice, but I don’t see a partner in my life when I live that life. I can raise children on my own and I don’t feel as if I need the family unit to do so.

This weekend I’m heading down to the naval recruiting office to fill out an application. I have my transcripts, which I will have to dig around for, and I think I am ready to do something completely different in my life.

Soon I’ll be 30…