Conversations

“He could be gay, you know. It’s kind of weird that a 13 year old boy is afraid of the dark,” I say playfully, waiting for the appropriate reaction.

“Why would you say that Char?” my mom is obviously uneasy about the subject and can’t even say the word gay or homosexual around me.

“I’m just saying it’s strange that he is still afraid of the dark. I’d almost say abnormal”, I am still waiting for her to keep the entertainment factor up.

“I don’t know why you would say that. This is the second time you have brought it up.” As she pauses, letting her mind churn it over. “Are there any signs I should be looking for?” as I burst out in laughter.

Are there any signs I should be looking for? What if there were signs. Would it make a difference? If my mother knew that my brother was gay, even now, there is nothing she could do about it, only accept it.

I always try to push limits with people, especially my family and friends. I tend to throw out various topics, or entertain bias notions to see how they will react. To summarize the whole concept so you can understand, I do it because people bore me, and I look for more substance.

“Mom, I was at the gym tonight and there was this really hot guy there. I’ve seen him once before, and damn, I was too shy to say hi”. I’m trying to let her into my life and take away the stigma of being gay. This should be an everyday conversation, in my opinion. “There was one point where I was sure he was going to say hi, but I walked by as he started to open his mouth. What if I never see him again?”

My mother listens contently on the line. I know deep down in my heart she still wishes for me to be one of the breeders. She listens to my conversation and I know there will be a less accepting reply.

“Why do you have to discuss this with your mother? Do you think it’s appropriate to tell your mother about these types of things?” There is discontent in her voice. I don’t care though. I want her to suck in this part of my life, and the more I share, the less obtrusive it will be.

“I don’t mind sharing at all. I want you to be apart of my life, and I should feel comfortable discussing these topics with you”.

The man at the gym was around forty. I am saddened at the fact that I have only seen him once before in the past year, but this time we both acknowledged each other. I feel a spark, which is rare and wonderful, and he is onboard. Yet, we didn’t say hi to each other. He made the attempt but while he was forming the conversation, and starting to approach me, I jet off in another direction.

My Aunt Car (Carol) and my mother are visiting Paul and I in September. By that time, I will be moved in to my new place, and I will be further practicing my interior design skills. I want the place to be wonderful, and I want Paul to feel comfortable having my crazy family over.

I plan on having cook dinners; traditional Newfoundland meals, lots of alcohol, time on the deck at night where we all sit around smoking and drinking. I miss them so much, and I can tell you I’m looking forward to this reunion. It’s the first time since coming out that I will have seen some of my family.

My aunt and mother curse and use vulgarity at ease. It's second nature to see one of them sitting at the dining table and asking someone to "pass the fucking pepper", only have downing a few glasses of wine of course; they aren't complete rednecks.

I’ve been trying to fill Paul in on what type of people he should expect, but I don’t think he takes me seriously. They are the most unconventional Canadians you could imagine.

I can see some great times ahead. I have company next weekend. It’s a young lad who currently lives in Vancouver. He is an ex tennis pro who grew up in Australia. I’m very intrigued by him. His voice is sexy, and he is a bad boy, much like myself. I love situations like this. There is no commitment, no expectations; just two guys who want to get to know each other.

Relationships are over-rated. I prefer this way of things. I prefer having this non-conventional way of thinking, and I relish in the attempts at forming subtle bonds with other gay males who have no interest in relationships.

Besides that I’m off to Montreal. I have only been to the sister city Quebec City and am looking forward to it. I will be traveling with two friends; one of which I can’t take to, and I don’t plan on having a group vacation. I play on blending into the city as quickly as possible and meeting interesting people. If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s blending in, and forming superficial relationships.