Tuesday, October 03, 2006
I miss you Jesus
I found a guy who thinks really deep thoughts, what’s so great about really deep thoughts?
I haven’t seen my family for over three years now. The last time I saw them we vacationed together in Fort Lauderdale, which is the vacation spot of their choice. The last time I saw my parents I was still in the closet but just beginning to reclaim my sexual identity. I was on vacation and going through a major life change – I was gay and I was ready to tell them.
The last time I saw them I was twenty three and they still affected me. They could make me argue, anxious, and yeah, I wasn’t the bigger adult – I guess most of us aren’t when it comes to having a dysfunctional family.
Since then, I have came out them and I haven’t seen them since. When I meet my father in two weeks he will be meeting a different person. I am now not just his little boy, I’m a gay male who wants to be respected, and, I want him to be proud of me. I am a little nervous about the whole meeting but I don’t think anything has changed between us.
It will be interested to see if he treats me differently. Regardless, I’m excited, and it seems like a lot of great things are happening in my life. I have met some great guys who I will explore and hopefully something will come of it.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Flooded
My workmate…enjoys food.
We hired him over a month ago and it’s been an adventure people watching this one. His desk usually as an assortment of plates that once contained food, two litre bottles of coke or coke products, a large bag of chips (probably still with the trans-fats in them), and an assortment of subway wrappers, forks, and crumbs.
I’m having a hard time mentoring him. I have had years of experience first being a product plant worker, then trainer; a tour guide turned trainer; and now, in my current position I automate processes, develop applications, and I train people on applications. I sometimes give presentations, and I think I communicate my ideals quite well; I am a configuration manager/software developer though, that is my title, the training is secondary.
I have found that if people know the lingo and take the opportunity to learn, they excel and we are able to discuss the complexities that exist in our business. And other times, I find other people have their head in the clouds. They are more concerned about getting a good deal on a two litre of pop or how big or small the deli sandwiches are at the grocery store. It’s all fine and well but I wish the same exuberance was expressed when dealing with work.
As you can tell, I’m having a difficult time right now. I have exhausted a lot of avenues trying to find common ground. I have tried to access whether or not my co-worker is visual by drawing diagrams and mapping out procedures; I have tried to communicate verbally our processes and expectations; and, I have tried to point him to various documentation and literature. Am I missing something?
I sometimes think people just aren’t driven or motivated to want to excel and learn. I can only hold someone’s hand for so long before I expect people to be able to learn on their own or take initiative. There are systems and procedures we have in place that I have had to explain multiple times, expecting him to remember or write it down properly, but I find myself having to go through the processes too many times. Someone that should have taken up double my time is now taking up much more.
The barrage of questions…oh my God. This morning alone, I think I was asked about ten questions in the period of an hour. Some of them obvious with the answer staring right at him…and what does he do…he asks me instead.
I’m venting, I know. I’m just frustrated. Not everyone gets it, I have to understand that, but still, my little brother could have figured it out by now. I have more confidence in a thirteen year old.
Where do I see him in six months when we review him? For one, he will have probably gained about twenty pounds, he will be still working on some of the projects I have given him, and he will be reviewed. It all depends on how he handles the next four and a half months. Right now I have my reservations and will keep them to myself.
His question asking may be attributed to a difference in schooling. I went to an institution where answers are not fed to you. You are given an assignment with very limited information and you have to make an effort to understand and learn. They don’t make it easy for students and at times it can be a constant struggle.
He went to a college that spoon fed answers and you can see it just by the questions I am asked on a day-to-day basis. I am to the point where I reply “Figure it out yourself” or “Don’t ask me simple questions like that without first trying to find the answer”. I feel bad about the way I am reacting but at the same time it’s “sink or swim”. There is only so much I can do and I have to make sure he starts learning on his own and is able to adapt/survive.
My vacation is coming up in a month or two and I don’t feel comfortable having him left as the main go to guy.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
10:23 Nietzsche
Nietzsche said "We are like shop windows in which we are continually arranged, concealing or illuminating the supposed qualities others ascribe to us - in order to deceive ourselves".
“I want a dog”, my friend blurts out at a coffee shop last night. We are surrounded by friends, most of them with at least a cat or dog in their life, and then as I look around, I see the vultures waiting to decend.
“Paul, dogs are expensive, they chew on furniture, they require a lot of your time, and you have to groom them”, I respond in a supportive, non-judgmental way.
As I’m speaking on of my friends is passing Paul an “adopt a pet” document from the SPCA. My words dissolve, nobody listens, and I see Paul become engrossed in the paper.
“Ok, fine, well I want a pet. How about a cat?”
“Paul, remind me…aren’t you the same person who has banned all the neighborhood cats from entering your house? Aren’t you the same person who claims that cat scratches will give you worms? You can’t even pick one up.” I’m becoming on edge, only because we are moving in together in a month, and I’m not sure if a cat or a dog will benefit my life in anyway.
I want a dog, I really do, but I don’t think I have the time or the patience to own one. I want clean furniture, I do not want to come home and discover Spike chewing on the leg of my table, or dog hairs on the couch. I don’t think it’s going to happen.
“Paul you have to be realistic about this…you told me you don’t even know where you are going to be in six months. You maybe teaching in Japan or headed to England; I’m just wondering how a dog/cat fits into this?” I plan on exhausting this conversation, I want to know a dog or cat isn’t going to mysterious going to appear in my life one day.
“Until you can commit to living in Victoria, or at least the West Coast, you can’t have a pet”, there, that’s that, end of conversation.
I guess I feel like I’m parenting at times. We are the same age and our thought patterns are very different from one another. I approach things cynically, rationally, and I think out situations before I jump into them. I wait a day before I make a big purchase and I check my bank account to ensure it won’t make my life uncomfortable.
Paul jumps. Paul can hit the town on a day of shopping and buy things on sight. I love the guy to no end, but I pray we don’t clash when it comes to responsibility.
I am open to a dog. I am, but I’m not going to let him know that, it would open up too many opportunities to be impulsive. And, I always worry about people with new puppies; there is this stigma that people with new puppies have emotional issues. Whenever I see someone with a new pet, I think, oh no, I hope he’s ok. We all know animals are sometimes used during emotional periods for comfort and security.
I just want to make sure we are both ok before a cute, little puppy comes into our lives. And if I do get a dog it will be from an animal shelter, there are so many dogs out there that need homes, it breaks my heart.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
We try but we don't belong
I’m having a hard time getting through Annie Dillard’s “Pilgrim at Tinker’s Creek”. It’s a good read, very descriptive, but I don’t think it’s my style.
The entire book is about Annie living in Tinker’s Creek and taking in the nature around her. She talks about egg casings, bull frogs, spider’s that spin webs, and the passing of the seasons. I’m all about nature, mind you, but I am having a hard time figuring out how this novel won a Pulitzer Prize in literature. I would have given the prize to her other work “Holy the Firm” instead.
The book speaks of human conditioning and our relationship with the Divine. I must admit her prose does wrap you up in the event. Every time I pick up the novel, it takes some time me to get into it, but once I do, I am deeply involved and taken on a journey. And, the references to physics, literature, numerous religious traditions, anthropology, medicine and folklore are astounding.
The book itself was indirectly influenced by a near fatal attack of pneumonia which she was stricken with in 1971. After she recovered, Annie decided she needed to experience life more fully. It’s debatable whether or not spending four seasons in a creek would be “living more”. Life is in the eye of the beholder, I guess.
I had a Tinker’s Creek when I was younger. It was my sanctuary, a place I could go and see the world for what it is, without the confusion of cities, commercialism, crowds; it was my sanity at times. As I get older, I want it again, but I feel the draw of urban life and am conflicted.
I wish there were balance. I wish a city planner like Jane Jacobs could make my dream a reality. Jane is now dead, and a lot of her ideas will be rendered useless, because Mrs. Jacob’s was the driving force and we are a world without leaders now. Our leaders are greedy and power hungry.
“There is a quality even meaner than outright ugliness or disorder, and this meaner quality is the dishonest mask of pretended order, achieved by ignoring or suppressing the real order that is struggling to exist and to be served”
–-Jane Jacobs
"But look what we have built low-income projects that become worse centers of delinquency, vandalism and general social hopelessness than the slums they were supposed to replace. Cultural centers that are unable to support a good bookstore. Civic centers that are avoided by everyone but bums. Promenades that go from no place to nowhere and have no promenaders. Expressways that eviscerate great cities. This is not the rebuilding of cities. This is the sacking of cities."
-- Jane Jacobs
I miss her...
The Coast Line
Even if I'm shouting, even if I'm shouting here inside.
Even if I'm shouting, do you see that I'm wanting,
that I want to be so,
bright,
bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.
It's over the hump day at the company. Today, because of a 5KM Cops for Cancer run last week, we are having a Salmon BBQ. I do realize I have sold out to Corporate Canada, but I really like Salmon. Is it wrong for me to get excited about these things?
They say 30 is the age in which you cannot be trusted. It was coined in the 60's during the revolution (AKA Hippy Movement); the premise was when you hit 30, you are no longer free-thinking, and you have sided with the man.
In today’s age, I'd say it's now 40 or even later, people are no longer turning to the man after a quarter of a century of living. Have I sold out to Corporate Canada? Am I now one with the man after 27 years of living? I really hope not.
I still think of myself as the "Carney in the coal mine", I will expose all social dysfunctions and feel like I'm a contributing member that doesn't conform. Yes, I will be eating the Salmon and veggie dogs, but I assure you I won't be making small talk, I will be real, and the company will be secondary to my need to get to know people on a more personal level.
I was inspired by another blog to come up with a really fetching catch phrase or slang. I'm rooting it over in my head...and I have ascertained that all the good ones are taken. Wicked, Cool, Sweet, That's Hot, Eat me...I need something that'll raise eyebrows and be used day to day.
Maybe I'll just bring back the high five; people didn't really give it an honest effort. I think if the right people were high fiving, it would be cool.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
The Fall is here
Heaven holds a sense of wonder...
The Fall/Winter is coming. Our fall is winter…yeah. Anyway, I was at the coffee shop tonight after working, then working out for close to two hours; I wonder where I’m going with my life.
Yeah, so the coffee store. As I was biking down Cook Street I see Diana, and she yells for me to come over. I quickly veer my bike over and catch up to her.
We head down the coffee store only to meet Michael, another acquaintance. I am amazed that in the short period of four years…I finally am able to recognize people on the street and form relationships. We talk, we make jokes, and after a couple of hours at the coffee shop, we head to smoke a joint.
Now, mind you, I’m not a drug smoker. Two puffs of a joint and I’m completely high – in a manageable state, but stoned nonetheless.
We talk about the coming fall. We talk about why it’s so enthralling to be in such a beautiful place as Victoria, how lucky we are, and how we handle the winter. I have to give you some background first. In Newfoundland, as much as it snows, we can see the stars on winter nights, the days still have Sunshine, and the only thing that stops living is the snow, which is unbearable at times.
In Victoria it’s different. It rains, the sky disappears, I can’t explain why we are sometimes covered by clouds for weeks on end, or how I wonder if the Sun will ever shine again; I can’t tell you how many times I have woke in the morning only to see it pour, and to see the clouds so low to the ground, almost to the point of making me claustrophobic. That’s how we feel. That’s why I need to head away and find places where I can see the sky again.
There is an upside, a beautiful and agreeable one. The fall helps us to gather ourselves back together. I lose myself in the summer, in the weather, the beaches, the biking, hiking…and everyone else around me is active. It’s a time when I forget everything. In the winter, I regroup, recharge, I start to reorganize my life and take care of myself again. I get to write, to think, to once again feel as if I’m completely involved in my domestic and personal lives. In the winter, I am now focused.
We talk about these things, and we all agree we are lower, and we lose apart of ourselves, or do we just feel human again? I don’t look at it as a stale time. I think positively about the upcoming season. And I also see a different side to these two people. They are complex and somewhat unhappy beings.
The more people I get to know, the more I think, am I one of the few happy people out there? I mean, I have my bouts of problematic thoughts or situations, but really, deep down inside, I am content and happy. And saying it just validates it more.
I do want a boyfriend though…
Something that's never been done
I'm a coldplay junkie today.
Oh brother I can't get through...
I've been trying hard to reach you cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I want to talk to you.
Are you lost or incomplete?
I'm going to stop there. As great as coldplay's music is, the lyrics are fucking awlful. Whatever happen to great lyrics? "You can climb a ladder up to the sea...". I cringe everything I listen to the lyrics, although the Thin White Duke Remix is pretty amazing.
The song speaks of wants and needs. Although ineffective, I can see a lot of teenagers hugging into their pillows, dreaming of a world outside of the norm they are bought up in -- tears and the periods...yeah.
I think my friend was right when he describe coldplay...two types of people like his music...troubled 13 year old teenage girls and homos.
There is this gardener doing landscaping on our company grounds today. Lets just say I really don't need to see it today. He's a walking sex machine; hairy legs, redneck tendancies, in shape, well tanned, and I'm sure he's a lawn mower: No fair!
I was bold enough to flirt as my lunch crew walked by...
Friday, September 22, 2006
Smile on his face

He’s got a rose in his smile
He says he knows and he does
And his mind aches
And his heart breaks
‘Cause he’s silly
Gonna teach him to sin
‘Cause I’m always knowing where he’s been
Livin’ on the wrong side of the tracks
And you know he’s never
Coming back
He’s got a smile like a flower
He looks so fine by the hour
But his mind aches
And his heart breaks
‘Cause he’s silly
Gonna teach him to steal
‘Cause I’m always knowing
How he feels
Livin’ on the wrong side of the tracks
And I know he’s never
Coming back
Friday, September 15, 2006
Nature
-- Annie Dilliard, Pilgram at Tinkers Creek
I enjoyed taking walks along the shore, along the banks, coast land, and the only road our town had. Most of the time, especially in the summer months, it’s quiet, vast, entrenched, and slow. The lakes were always calm along the single road that made up the seven or eight villages that were slung together. Einstein said “The human mind is not capable of grasping the universe. We are like a little child entering a huge library”, and as I think back to these times and agree. I see so little of nature, only bits and pieces, with life working it’s intricacies in the background.
One day on a trek along one of the small lakes that we boast are pure and clean; I hear a splash. Normally you heard birds chirping, the sound of the wind brushing against trees and leaves, the occasion call of an animal, but a splash was something different. As I look into the lake, I see a ripple, it’s small and I know that the object that made this splash couldn’t be that big. Then another splash makes me jump, as I peer out past the cloud of black flies in my vision, I see what’s finally happening. The trout are jumping out of the water to catch the mess of flies that have infested our neighborhood.
These beautifully flecked species, glinting in the lowering sun are making their way of the lake to feast, and unbeknownst to me, it was a common occurrence. Suddenly the whole lake is alive with splashes, clouds of flies hang over the puddles, and now I get it. Quoting Frank Lloyd Wright, I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
Some of the happiest times in my life, and the most isolating, was when I made these treks around the small community I grew up in. I was surrounded by nothing and everything at the same time. There were days when I was hiking up the marsh only to find a litter of wild kittens, with their ferocious mother, crouched, knowing full well she has to fight for her kittens. All we see are domesticated cats; it’s rare to meet others who have seen such sights. Upon finding the cats, I ran back to my dad and told him and all he said was “leave them alone, let them find their own lives”. Sometimes it’s better to leave nature alone, let the life around us have free will. Who are we to takes these wild cats out of nature, the place where they belong.
Other times while swimming in Business Pond with my dog Reno and friends there would be beavers allowing along by our sides. My father would never scream at us and tell us to the leave the lake, he would only say don’t get to close. Even Reno, our dog, would be respectful of the animals. A beaver, I’m told, are found to be gentle; there is even an Indian word for “beaver-like” which means “affable”. Their tails would always crack the water and their stride was amazing. Even though they are a very dense creature they are able to rake through the water at a very surprising speed.
I miss Newfoundland.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Short Shorts
I think the last few entires have been way too serious. I just want to show everyone I'm not a complete turd.
I did this on a dare to myself while visiting Montreal.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Morality
I think I am a giving person. I think of myself as an open person who is caring and compassionate. If you look at it through the viewpoints of my friends, I have far to go; I'm not afraid.
“I’ve been thinking about this situation I’m in Jake (Mark, Paul, whoever). Initially I was 95 percent sure that I am completely sound and there is no way in hell it can be me”, as I take a drag from a cigarette and let my mind wander even further. ”The more I think about it, the estimate declines and anxiety sets in...”, my words disappear as my eyes lower to my knees.
“I think I’m scared and when I have time on my own to reflect, I keep losing my sanity, it trails behind me, and I grasp for sight, smell, origin; I hate it”.
This is one of the first times in my life that I have let myself be vulnerable to others. The only other time was my ex, he would dismiss whatever emotions I felt. Now I feel as if I can let go. My friends will listen and support me, and the fear of rejection that causes us to be guarded, is waning away.
I have let them in and this time I see that the people in my life do care. I see genuine concern and emotion. I know that I’m in a good place; finally, I have people in my life that love and care about me.
I don’t live that way. I don’t think about the negative things and I push most problems out in the open so I can pick them apart, so they no longer seem intimidating. But, how do I handle the unknown? How in the hell can I justify this?
My friend once told me there is a lot of good in me. That it would be unfair for me to be giving a restriction on life…and I think about these things and wonder, why not? I am no different than anyone else. I am not special. I am the same as everyone else in the world. If anything, I am more fortunate, which isn’t a good argument for a person in my situation.
So why not me? I can’t answer the question; the next ten days of my life will be retrospective and careful. I will avoid any self-destructive actions and I will pray to my God with every spare minute my life has to offer. I mean, what else can I do?
I won’t bore you with the spiritual rant that I save for people who are fortunate enough to see me drunken and nonsensical. Today is a day of glory. For now, I know that whatever happens to me, I am without fear. I will relish in any struggle thrown at me, and conquer it with the fierceness I am known for. I will not be a victim and I will not let it destroy me.
And, I’m saying this while sitting on Cook Street in a small coffee store, surrounded by cigarettes, idle conversation, and the steady stream of vehicles passing me by. There is an eclectic mix off people as usual, and now, just because, I finally feel normal.
I can see my face getting older. I see the lines, slowly becoming more real, although I have the face of a child, the lines of my forehead are becoming more pronounced, and to the point I know that I am no longer youthful. My eyes change color depending on my mood, depending on the season, and they give far too much away with respect to my emotional well-being.
Adulthood seeps in without warning, my eyes, and my mouth, they are forming lines; it’s because my life has been good. An old buddy of mine said “whatever expressions you use in everyday life will be carried over to your senior years” and I believed him. If I ever see an older person, with a blank face, naked of lines, I’d worry about them. I’d wonder how many times they have smiled, how many times they expressed ire, or angst, I’d wonder if they have even lived at all.
The multitude of emotions any one human could express is staggering. I cling to the good ones, and embellish all the others; no one has ever accused me of being inanimate. And, as I look around, that is what I see, emotions, some more subdued, more quite gregarious, but I am surrounded by expression and am thankful.
I’ll leave you with these thoughts as the Chestnuts fall around me announcing the end of summer, as the blossoms of nearby bushes fall on my table, and one of the last remaining summer nights this year beings in the first inklings of the cold winds ahead.
I want you to know, I will not take my life for granted anymore.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Shades
We had a company event where the booze was flowing and free. Company events are great because a) everyone's guard is down; b) I get to see people in a different light; and c) there is a new coop that is fucking sexy.
Regardless, we took it to the next level and after the get together I met up with some friends on the street and it just got worse. I did something I consider ethically wrong - and his boyfriend would agree - and today and feeling bad about the whole situation.
There are a few things that are in the back of mind this early Saturday morning. One being the disease control center that phoned me asking me to get tested for HIV - it was abrupt and scary, I still don't think I'm over that episode. It turns out someone from my past has contracted the virus and my name was given out.
When I think back to the past year and my past test, I'm OK, I mean, I'm very sure I'm completely healthy, but the thought still lingers in the back of my mind. I don't think I have done anything risky since I had my last set of results back. I should be fine.
Secondly, my grandpa who passed away... Grieving is a funny thing, now I'm starting to wonder about the distance I have put between my family and I am thinking about who I hold dear. It's been close to four years and I need to see them. My life is passing me by at times and without my family, my base, I am nothing.
Third, dating! What can I say? I was turned down for the first time in my life this week...and it hit me hard.
Even when I avoid being busy - I am still busy - and escape from this 'busy' lifestyle is maddeningly impossible.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Passing...
My grandfather, who shares my same name, passed away a couple of days ago. When I first heard the news, I simply lashed out; holding on to grudges and refusing to even feel a bit of remorse. This is the same man who didn’t attend my cousin’s funeral when he killed himself. I forever held on to that grudge…until now.
He was funny, smart, and wasted most of his life away drinking. People stole from him, people took advantage of his drunken state of mind, and all he ever did was put up with it. My grandfather wasn’t someone I bragged about, and when people told me how much I was like him, I would cringle and become deeply offended.
Still, he was my grandfather. The one thing I did this week was let go of grudges. I let go of the fact that he wasn’t an ideal grandfather, I have forgiven him for not attending my cousins funeral, and I send home a goodbye for the church to read aloud during service.
I was respectful and I made an effort to look at the positive things.
My grandfather sailed around the world twice; he served in World War II on a navel vessel off the coast of Germany. He became on of the first millionaires in my small town and had a knack for taking advantage of opportunities. He painted, made fantastic blueberry wine, and when he finally sobered up, made great efforts to seek forgiveness.
I didn’t do it until he died, but now he has it.
There are so many funny stories I could tell you, so many pictures I could paint with the whimsical stories surrounding this man, he was a legend and everyone knew his name. I will leave you with the assurance, he was the only person I found intriguing throughout my childhood and it shames me I didn’t spend more time getting to know him.
Death to me is different. I have seen so many pass. I have lost my uncle to a drowning, my grandmother to a botched operation/possible suicide, my first cousin (who I regard as a brother) to suicide, two first cousins who were caught at sea, a classmate from leukemia, and so many more. I no longer mourn, I am totally desensitized to it and I am respectful that it was their time to go. I am sure they are still out there someone, although I can’t saw where or how, but they are, and I will see them all again.
I was happy he passed. No more suffering, no more old age homes, he is now in a better place, with the people he held dear in his life…hopefully sober.
I love you grandpa.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Death...
I owe him an entry besides the previous "My Grandfather's a drunk" blog:
http://copeseticnature.blogspot.com/2006/01/my-grandfathers-drunk.html
I wrote this entry some time ago. It is very characteristic of him and I have no doubt he would find it amusing.
Stay tuned...
Friday, August 25, 2006
Last night in Victoria
You’d have a happy life, if you did the things you like.
Its quiet today, quiet and I feel completely absolved to the world around me. Since my trip to Montreal, my life has been out of sorts, coming home only to have more obligations, more company, and my domestic life is suffering. I am down to my last pair of underwear, my sports socks are all used; I am wearing t-shirts that I would consider worthy of the Salvation Army Thrift Store, and I’m fine with it.
The past few days I have been gingerly exploring two new acquaintances in my life. They are quiet, hesitant, and pure in mind and spirit; I am the loud one, who makes decisions, who dictates likes and dislike, and I am the one who was trying to break their shells, just to get a little more depth.
They are gone, and now, I’m sitting at my office, chewing my finger nails, haunted with the realization that it’s time to get my ass in gear and organize my life again. The weekend will be sunny and brilliant though, maybe I should put it off…yet again?
Last night we went to the Empress, which is a well known and very formal dining area in Victoria. The food was amazing, and Ben, one of the visitors with me, gets fifty percent off the meal and drinks; the meal now is reasonably priced.
I love the Empress. We are surrounded by the higher echelon of society. We are surrounded by turn of the century architecture, impeccable service, great food, and the expectation that we know the etiquette associated with formal dining. We do, and I think the night turned out to be fabulous.
I love looking around the restaurant and seeing the different groups of people. There are a group of boys, all under 18, who are well dressed and polite; their posture is commendable, and the only thing I could critique are the cans of coke sitting around the table. I’m surprised cans of coke would be outwardly displayed at a restaurant like the empress.
Around us there are singles, eating their meals, and I’m guessing they are on business. I hear thick American accents, I see the older, social elite in Victoria entertaining out of Towner’s, and a mix of people who are dressed well, who know which fork to use, and who are intelligent and worthy of the pleasures this life can grant.
It’s nice to step inside of this environment at times, to dress up, approach it with sincerity, and enjoy what it has to offer.
To even out the night, after the meal, and a lost parking ticket that was to be validated, we head to Big Bad Johns. It’s another ‘must see’ tourist spot in Victoria; and now, instead of lush wallpapers with polished diners, agreeable teas and deserts, we are thrust into a completely different environment.
The floors are sticky and littered with peanut shells, the people are bordering on redneck, and the ceilings are covered with women’s bras. I think people get their tab paid for if someone is willing to strip off their brassiere.
We sit around, drinking, more loosened up after two days of hanging out, and a fake spider falls onto my friends shoulder. We all start laughing and look up and see that there are small inventions, such as the spider, supported by a string that is controlled by the bartender.
Our last night in Victoria…we go urban-sophisticated and then redneck.
I think they had fun…
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Dating...part II
There is one problem: I have a visitor from Winnipeg and he has a crush on me. I mean, it’s fine, and yeah, I have self-control. I let him stay at my place last night after we hit the town and had one too many drinks.
We both agreed beforehand, that if he did stay at my place, it would be purely platonic. There would be no kissing; no nakedness, no fooling around, and I think we held true to the majority of those agreements. I don’t think I’m asexual anymore.
This morning, after waking up way to early and being hung over, we snuggle some more, we kiss, and I am left feeling guilty. I’m guilty because a) I also did the same thing to his ex about two weeks ago, b) I’m not even sure if I want to do this with him, and c) I have broke a promise to myself.
In the long run, it will be meaningless, and just another experience, but now, it’s causing me to think into this situation far too much.
“Can I sleep over again sometime?” he asks as I’m dressing for work.
“I don’t know. We’ll talk about it later, ok?” I go over to him and give him a hug goodbye, not knowing how to approach this situation.
We had a fun time yesterday. I left work and met him and a friend at a sushi place downtown. Mostly, I talked to Doug because Mark was too shy.
He was just sitting there smiling and being fidgety. At one point after Doug and I gave summaries of our lives up to this point, I put Mark on the spot. He turns red, fidgets even more, and proceeds to give us the quickest overview out of all three of us.
I shouldn’t tease him so much. I know he is shy and I guess I’m prodding him a little so he can come out of his shell.
After sushi, we go for a run. We start on Dallas Road, running about 4KM along the ocean, over to a breakwater where a single lighthouse – painted red and white – stands. It’s a beautiful backdrop…and, I think we both appreciate the here and now.
Later that night, after a work out and a shower, we head downtown. The streets are empty for the most part; it is Tuesday after all. Even at eleven some of the local tourist shops, gelato houses, and small pubs are still open for business. I don’t venture down here that often on the weeknights, so I guess I’m pleasantly surprised.
We head to a pub called Irish Times and order a couple of Guinness. The pub is nice, quoted as being Irish, but the architecture, and interior, well, I’d hate to say it, but it’s more English.
The take away is the fact there is a stunning performer on stage. The minute he starts playing our conversation with one another stops, and, I’m drawn into his beautiful Irish ballad. His voice is pure, and it reminds me of a Celtic Bob Dylan without all the frills and tangles. He’s wonderful and I’m taken back to the good ole days in downtown St. John’s.
I think he had a good time. I mean, I know he had a good time. I always enjoy it when two strangers, who barely know each other, get together and discover whether or not they can actually be friends and tolerate one another. I think we can.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Dating...Part I
“No, of course not”, he replies, acting as if it’s the most hurtful and disgusting judgment I could ever make. He sneers at me and upset with the question I asked.
I feel bad about the comment, thinking, maybe his life was normal and he wasn’t as big of a sex addict as I thought. Maybe I’ve been looking at him in the wrong light; I can only go by the stories and relationships that he has told me.
“I met him in a bathhouse”, he replies.
“Oh, yeah that’s much different than looking for sex in a park. I’m sorry I made that assumption …and I thank you for the clarification”. I’m thinking the whole time this man is a diluted asshole.
Why is it so hard to meet somebody ‘normal’? Why has the gay culture taken away wholesome and meaningful events like monogamy, dating, trust? Why can’t I find ‘Mr. Right’ at coffee stores or social event?
I guess the biggest question of all is: “Why do I still care?”
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
The Seasons
I was a lonely child. I would sit upon the shores while the other kids were out biking together and playing guns; I would become one with the ocean. I would smells its salts, watch its movements, and take in the water and its surroundings as if I were mapping it out in my mind.
Along the coasts of Newfoundland you can smell the sea salt miles away. The humidity in the air would spread the familiar stench throughout the community. It would also spread the salts to our vehicles and homes, and after a few years, corrosion would set it. Most everything rusted after time, the bottoms of cars would be eaten away; the windows and siding on houses would turn brown and rot. Even the faces of people couldn’t resist the elements; aging set in quicker, and although salt is usually a preservative, it would deteriorate the living.
The crippled coast line had little aquatic life. The sea barnacles would attach themselves to the crags and build up mountains of white, crusted life. The marine life consisted of scopies, rock cod, shrimp, lobster, and the occasional jellyfish plotting they way along the shore. We could pick mussels and cook them during the summer months – provided the ocean was clean of red tide.
There were four seasons in Newfoundland; this is a long withstanding joke, but a truthful one nonetheless: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
In the summer, instead of a barren wasteland of snow, there were barren wastelands of bog. Up behind my house, there was a trail, forged so long ago by my ancestors, which led the way to the bogs that surrounded most of Newfoundland.
In order to get there, I had to pass behind my grandfather’s hotel, and trek for some time through the rocky and sandy trails. There were two large hedges of weedy trees, thinking back, I remember calling them alders, but I am not sure what the appropriate name would be.
There was nothing special about the bogs. They grew bakeapples (or cloudberries to some), blue berries, pitcher plants, marsh berries, and was a breeding ground for black flies and mosquitoes. In the summer clouds of black flies would torment us. Camping, although plentiful in these areas, was discouraged during certain times because of the abundance of biting insects.
I was a lonely child, and I would go to the bog for refuge. I would sometimes grab a gallon bucket and pick berries for my mother. I would fill her in on my expedition and tell her I would grab some bakeapples for her, and with that said, she would run for the bucket.
The bog was so barren the only things that lived on it, or inhabited it at times, were black bears. I think there was a dump nearby and the bears would forge these areas for berries. Most of the bog was acidic though, not even pine trees would grow there; if they did they would only be stumps and would only grow a few years before their bark turned white and started rotting.
About 20 minutes of hiking would bring me to a solitary lake. Nothing surrounded it, and it was like an oasis in a desert. The lake would reflect the sun beating down from the blue sky above; all that surrounded it was the brown, orange, and red boglands, no trees, no life, just berries as far as the eye can see.
Sometimes when I sat around the lake, a pool of water with no life, and I would hear the call of a bear or moose. It was the single to pack up and leave. A bear could easily out run a person if the need arose, and because their food sources were limited, I wouldn’t put anything pass them.
The winters here would transform the bog into a ski-doers paradise. There were many intersections and roads, the plows would smooth out most of the main routes with a small donation from community members. And, after school, the bogs, and most of the community, was transformed into a very unique transportation system. Everyone had a ski-doo, and if they didn’t, they would find a friend who would take them out.
Most of the road systems that we had would be covered in snow, so taking the snow mobile out would be the sensible option to getting around. Gas stations would be lined with motorists, people would go to grocery stores on ski-doors, to the liquor stores, and as you make your commute on the ocean or lakes, groups of five or more people would have their snow mobiles parked together having a yarn or scoff (a talk).
This was not a men’s only environment. All walks of life would be out around; bankers, teachers, fish plant workers would all be out, they are equal, and the only thing that separates the middle class from the working poor are the quality of your ski-doo and the type of dress. Women would float by, their hair done, make-up applied, speeding down the trails just like everyone else.
After a long day of ski-dooing we would head in, with our hands nearly frost bitten, our noses red from the cold, and would relish in the front of warm air as we barged into our home. Our mother would be waiting, smiling, and asking if we were cold. We would sit down and have a cup of coffee and home made bread to set us right.
One winter, I’m guessing because of the harsh cold, the arm (Inland Ocean) had frozen over, and seals were making there way down to the shores on ice sheets. Driving along the loop where we lived, we could see one or two battered seals strewn out on the ice-laden shores. Their blood would soak the white snow, their pelts dirty and unkempt, and someone in our small community ended their life, just because they could. The seals were a harmless nuisance.
The occasional polar bear would find its way down also and the communities affected would be put on alert. They weight a ton, are very wild, and if they want to get into a home, they will. Most polar bears that found there way down to the coast were shot on site unless an animal rights activist found them first.
It’s a raw environment. There were no wal-marts, sport checks; commercialism never existed until I moved into the city at 17. If we were bored, we would go on hikes, explore nature, or hang out with friends and play some sort of sport. I still don’t understand the need for people to shop; I don’t understand the need for people to surround themselves with this ideal accumulation. I don’t understand television, being idle, or complaining about life. I understand the simple things, and although I live in a moderately large city, I think the life I had, shaped the life I have now.
Film Review Blog
My Blog List
-
January 13th Trailwork day canceled8 years ago
-
Follow Chris13 years ago
-
In a moment...18 years ago
-
A New Beginning...19 years ago
-
-
About Me
- Charlie
- Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
- confusing, difficult, happy, endangered, spunky, arrogant, trustworthy, deceitful, social, loving, intelligent, recluse, active, love the outdoors (camping rocks!)
Followers
Life












