Just let it go

It's an early workday, so early in fact, I think I'm still asleep. I'm listening to Fisherspoon and just burning away the time. I had a great weekend!!! Took my short term ex Giles out on Friday and Saturday. He just finished up finals and needed to let loose, I think I can say Mission Accomplished. He's a great guy, and I feel a total connection with him.

Friday I'm leaving to go to Vancouver. I can't wait to get out of the city and into an even bigger one. Where you are just another face, where you can compleley disappear into the massive buildings, endless streets, and become a number - just a number. As excited as I am about leaving, I'm headed into a mindset of questioning again. I guess it's my mood, or the things that have befallen me in the past month or so, but my mind is alive with so many thoughts.

I'm still recovering from the flu, which I am convinced now that is all it is: the flu. Kinda worried about it initially, but at the same time whatever happens, well it's part of the plan. A plan in which I am totally satisfied with right now. My life is really really great! The plan itself is changing. I'm being catapulted with full force into an unknown. I'm waivering on my decisions as of late, and I don't know anymore, I really think it's time to run again. You see, I'll let you all in on a little secret, I run a lot. When my fears come into play or when I feel stagnant I get the sudden urge to chance everything around me. And change isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be very spiritually invigorating. Right now, I feel as if I am in this rut. This place where I know the person I'm seeking doesn't exist. A place where gay people are superficial, who are always looking for something better - even though the best things maybe right in front of you. It's disturbing me, and Victoria itself (the scene at least) is a very strange, unknown, some might even say parallel universe that contains very uninviting people. Not all though, I have so many great friends...but some people are totally fucked!

I was never really a competitive person. And to see this madness around me, is a bit disheartening. My search is shifting, well I've actually given up the search completely. I'm happy to spent the rest of my life "alone", for what is the alternative? To settle for something I don't really want? I never could. The mere thought of it makes my mind reel. Thinking about the possibilities that could have occurred if I did in fact settle.

It's going to be tough spending my first Christmas on my own. I'm a little sad about it, a little bit lonely, but at the same time I have a few friends in Vancouver, and hopefully I will get to see them all. I do miss my family, and I miss Newfoundland, but at the same time I have to get used to being on my own. I have to get used to the possibility of spending more than one Christmas by myself...I mean isn't this what the majority of us (being the single gay population) do? I'm not alone, I'm alive and breathing...and I'm more fortunate than like 80 percent of the population, I'm grateful more than anything.

Rico's bike in Vancouver is calling me. The ski hills are echoing their energies. My life is just beginning, I'm still learning....