It's not going to stop

I have to question my mortality on a constant basis. I wouldn't say that I am a hypochondriac, nor would I say that I'm overly sensitive; there are far too many coincidences and illnesses that occur for me not to think this way. The downside, or one would say the dark side of being gay, is having an intimate relationship with a virus that is killing millions. Sooner or later, it may get me; in fact, it may already have me, and I just am not aware of it yet. I have written this before, and I will have another indebt conversation about the same subject in the future, and I will pray to God, wish myself the best, over and over again.

I think my biggest fear is getting an illness that I cannot control. I wake up one day, and suddenly I cannot do the everyday things I take for granted such as biking, hiking, and staying very active. It would truly kill me. I am not afraid of dying, but I am fearful of the steps leading up to it. I am 27, and am already staring death in the face for the second time; this time though I can't predict when or why.

I have been sick for about two weeks. It started with a "normal" cold and has worked its way into my system as a stomach bug now. I am extremely fatigued, and it's been grating on me; I just want it to stop. That is the background of my experience right now. My energy is depleted and my mindset is somewhat negative right now. The upside of all of this: I have been talking to a workmate and he just went thought the same thing, claiming that it was his young, toddler daughter that had made him sick. Maybe I have caught this illness from him - it's not entirely out of the question. The illness is taking so long for me to recover from!

It's funny, I have been reading about symptoms on the internet and other people's experiences, and after going through my neurotic week, I have realized I sound a lot like the hypochondriacs that I have been reading about online. I'm a fucking hypochondriac! I think I'm ok, I will survive. The only argument I have as to why it's not the same illness as my friend, is the fact I had an encounter with a couple about two weeks ago, and one of the guys was positive. I think I was fairly safe, but there is always that lingering thought; the what if that will always be in my mind every time I meet someone new who has been around the community.

How do I combat this? Either I accept it, or I realize that sooner or later it will happen: it is evitable. Or I steer clear of sexual relationships for the rest of my life, until the other party is rigorisly tested, and a firm background check has been established. This clinical approach may seem a bit anal, but we are dealing with life, which is only handled out once in it's entirety, if we are lucky.

There is no romance anymore. The days of chivalry have ended. We are now left with a culture that is infested with chemicals, disease, and problems that we can quite nail down because there are too many fucked up alterations and at the same time it's beautiful and inviting, and I cherish each day. Welcome to my paradox.