New Years is approching

I’m sitting on one of the Vancouver Island Ferries today waiting to take off. I’m headed to Vancouver to see Hunter. I know it’s been a while since I have written, what can I say? I blame the Christmas season among other things but assure you I will be back at it on a regular basis as soon as possible.

I’m not sure where next year will take me. I’m not sure if I’ll be in the same position, or a different position at the same company, or if I will be doing something completely different. I hear change calling miles away, and more and more, it’s beginning to tug at my soul. I am not one to just stay stagnant…

I have a feeling this weekend could change my life. I could be in love by the time I get back, or I could be disappointed that Hunter wasn’t everything I thought he would be. Only time will tell where this path in life will take me and when it all ends. I guarantee though, this will be one of the last times I will open myself to the possibility of being with someone for some time.

I’m looking around the ferry, noticing who’s who. I’m watching the dynamics of loud children, watching the hot guy in line to get a bus ticket - I want to offer him a ride - and finally the destitute hordes of people who will never be as fortunate. I didn’t realize how many ugly people there were out there until I arrived on this ferry today. It’s good for the soul and the male ego. In Victoria you are surrounded by so many beautiful people that it messes with what is real and what is normal in this world.

I’m glad to be away from it all. I’m glad to once again leave – although this is my third time off the island this month alone. I’m not that isolated; I keep wanting more. I keep wanting to find something amazing and meaningful in this life. I don’t know if I will ever find it but I assure you that I will never stop looking. To do so would only be admitting defeat.

I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution this year. Wait, come to think of it, I do have one: to no longer fear change and the unknown; or all that is associated with it. I will be brave once again and I will draw strength from the person who escaped the shackles of conformity and judgment. I wonder if I am still the same person who moved 7,500 Kilometers away to find himself, desperately in need of something purposeful. I am still that person but I think corporate Canada has given me a beating.
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I’m deep today, don’t mind me, it comes in phases. I guess it’s the anticipation of meeting a possible long term relationship. Or the knowing that a New Year is approaching and I am perhaps in a rut? I’m not sure. The only thing I do know is that I will end this year with a bang.

I always wonder how easy it is to tell a straight guy from a gay guy. I mean some are blaringly obvious and others mend in so well that they are like one of them – the breeders, that is. I tend to think I blend in, then again, who knows how I am perceived by others. I eat politely, dress in style, and take care of myself, then again, so does the majority of people in my age in Victoria. I wonder though…Small things like shoes, the choice of jacket, and mannerisms are sometimes deal giveaways as to how straight a person is. I tend to think that I have a strong sense of who is who and silently hope that the men I am infatuated with are in fact gay. They aren’t. I chase the pipe dream of having something normal and I know full well it would be like finding a needle in a haystack.

I think we are up to speed, yes no? I always wondering how much is too much? Am I too open? Do I think too much? Or am I normal and I am behaving the way the majority of people who think behave. I hope for the latter; I hope that the majority of people out there actually have something to contribute. As I am surrounded by loud children, the dulled out voices of nearby passenger, the turning of pages, and the onslaught of handsome men roaming about, I want freedom.

There is this guy sitting across from me on the ferry. I’d like to suck him off. He’s sitting right across from me. Dark featured, nice height and frame although I can’t stand the way he talks and his look is a bit unusual. Still, I think if I could forget what I have heard so far I could anonymously take him in the washroom and have my way with him. It look like he has a big package. When I say big, I think it would be more then enough, more then a handful. I want it so bad. He’s leaning back now and I want to keep staring at him.

He’s with these old fucks. They are both conservative and they have good posture. I would guess they are both approaching their 60’s. God, to think that they have made it through all these years together. I am amazed, and hopeful, that the rest of society could use these absurdly boring people as an example that things could work out – although I can’t imagine who would want that kind of life. Ah, if they only knew what I was writing; if they knew how disturbing my mind is I doubt they would be sitting next to me. I doubt that they’d even want to share the same ferry with me. I mean, I would be horribly uncomfortable if I were the guy sitting across from me. I practically raped his crotch with my eyes. I’m glad he didn’t stand up, it would be open season then.

Oh God, they are talking about cruises now. How stereotypical of someone their age. Why not talk about their recent travels to China or India? No, it had to be a cruise and because of that last statement I will judge them for the rest of the trip. God that old man is so opinionated. He is spewing trash out of his mouth and I’m biting my tongue not to jump on him. I hate people who generalize.

And come to think of it, the guy I liked five minutes ago, well, he has a funny shaped body and bad teeth. He’s kind of fat also. Not that I’m superficial or anything, I could be open to getting to know him…if I were drunk enough.

To all my fellow readers, have a great New Years. Think about the year ahead, but not too much, ignore the polar ice caps melting – did you see the News today? A large chuck on the northern ice cap broke away today. Depressing. I wonder what the next fifty years hold. Will we be no better off? Will genetic testing take over and disease rum rampart? I see so many new things occurring, and I also see the world turning a blind eye to it all. I pray that green energy takes over and we start thinking about the future of the world. We are no better off when we were apes. It’s still dangerous and unknown to us all. Have a great year and wish me luck on my journey this weekend.