Monday, December 19, 2005

Just let it go


It's an early workday, so early in fact, I think I'm still asleep. I'm listening to Fisherspoon and just burning away the time. I had a great weekend!!! Took my short term ex Giles out on Friday and Saturday. He just finished up finals and needed to let loose, I think I can say Mission Accomplished. He's a great guy, and I feel a total connection with him.

Friday I'm leaving to go to Vancouver. I can't wait to get out of the city and into an even bigger one. Where you are just another face, where you can compleley disappear into the massive buildings, endless streets, and become a number - just a number. As excited as I am about leaving, I'm headed into a mindset of questioning again. I guess it's my mood, or the things that have befallen me in the past month or so, but my mind is alive with so many thoughts.

I'm still recovering from the flu, which I am convinced now that is all it is: the flu. Kinda worried about it initially, but at the same time whatever happens, well it's part of the plan. A plan in which I am totally satisfied with right now. My life is really really great! The plan itself is changing. I'm being catapulted with full force into an unknown. I'm waivering on my decisions as of late, and I don't know anymore, I really think it's time to run again. You see, I'll let you all in on a little secret, I run a lot. When my fears come into play or when I feel stagnant I get the sudden urge to chance everything around me. And change isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be very spiritually invigorating. Right now, I feel as if I am in this rut. This place where I know the person I'm seeking doesn't exist. A place where gay people are superficial, who are always looking for something better - even though the best things maybe right in front of you. It's disturbing me, and Victoria itself (the scene at least) is a very strange, unknown, some might even say parallel universe that contains very uninviting people. Not all though, I have so many great friends...but some people are totally fucked!

I was never really a competitive person. And to see this madness around me, is a bit disheartening. My search is shifting, well I've actually given up the search completely. I'm happy to spent the rest of my life "alone", for what is the alternative? To settle for something I don't really want? I never could. The mere thought of it makes my mind reel. Thinking about the possibilities that could have occurred if I did in fact settle.

It's going to be tough spending my first Christmas on my own. I'm a little sad about it, a little bit lonely, but at the same time I have a few friends in Vancouver, and hopefully I will get to see them all. I do miss my family, and I miss Newfoundland, but at the same time I have to get used to being on my own. I have to get used to the possibility of spending more than one Christmas by myself...I mean isn't this what the majority of us (being the single gay population) do? I'm not alone, I'm alive and breathing...and I'm more fortunate than like 80 percent of the population, I'm grateful more than anything.

Rico's bike in Vancouver is calling me. The ski hills are echoing their energies. My life is just beginning, I'm still learning....

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Santa Con

Do I really have to say anything more?


I'm sick you know. My lymph nodes are swollen, my ears...are well buzzing in and out, and I have a sore throat. I pray that is was because of this weekend, because the alternative, I fear, is much to hard to talk about right now. I could very well be approaching a very pivotal point in my life, God forbid. What every happens, know that this entry is a very important one. It may either teach me a very important lesson, or it may change my life entirely. I'm hoping for the first statement to be true.

So is this how it goes down now? Every illness I get will trigger a psychotic reaction? Is this the way I am to live my life for now on? I seriously hope not. If I am spared, than I will change my lifestyle and always remember this particular state of mind. It hasn't been a good journey the past month or so...in fact it has really pushed me spiritually and made me rethink a lot of things about life. We are not invincible soliders, never think that way. We are not!

I am glad at least I'm still able to write. This I am glad of. The girl in the picture is Jill. Cool girl! We had a great time at the Santa Con...soooo many people gave us crazy looks hehe. I totally want to do this again next year. There is something to be said about a 100+ santa's parading down the streets of Victoria and visiting the local establishments. It was quite an eye opener.



I'm still not fully recovered :(.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Angel's In America

Well, I took a break from life last night. I got home at around 4:30, made a quick dinner, and proceed to watch Angel's in America for like 5 hours. Such a great mini-series by HBO, I was quite impressed. Meryl Streep does a great job in the movie, wow her characters are so believable and the movie itself was full of great actors. The series itself is centered around the AIDs epidemic in the mid 1980's and touches on a number of different elements in relation to the gay culture, coming out, struggles, tribulations, ego, etc. I give it two snaps for sure. I recommend that you watch this mini-series, whether your gay or st8 it just doesn't matter.

It was nice to take a rest for sure. I'm doing a spin class after work today, and a major work out, and I think I may head up to Syndey to see my friend Matt and his mom (hehe) with a bottle of cloudberry wine...she loves Newfoundland wines, so I thought I would let her try this one. We will see how it all goes though, hopefully I don't feel too rushed and have enough time to visit tonight...it would be fun.