Wednesday, November 23, 2005

And he rode on a glistening path of nothingness


Doldrums.

I have an adversity to poor taste - it's some lifelong accomplishment that is set in motion whenever I am reminded that not everyone can carry themselves to the upmost importance. I wonder why people refuse to see the best in themselves and want to better their lives. It doesn't mean you have to dress a certain way, have proper table manners, or even be eloquent; just fucking be confident and look me in the eye. It's a sad fate really. To be weak, defeated, not being able to see the world properly...they don't get it. It's pretty simple though if you think about it: You exist, you will die, make the best of it. If you hold back you accomplish nothing, and fear is your worst enemy.

There is an unknown path we all follow - some too closely, or they are so fucking off track that they are trying to claw their way back to solid ground.

Path represents a journey of the mind. A path can also lead to life or career goals; but a path is more than a destination -- paths lead to people. Paths connect communities. So I ask myself and anyone reading this, do you know your path?


Anyway, far too philosophical!
At what point, did we shed the primal stages of life to advance into this more evolved - but still very ignorant form of life? If we want to think about spiritual paths, than I would say we all have a different destination. For me, I think I have exhausted all avenues of questioning life, and now my spiritual path is very basic. Mold myself into the world of nature, relish in the beauty of life, go for hikes, bike rides, meet as many people as possible, and analyze little, the key word is fun.

I am (a) being so free and so unconcerned about the world around you. It isn't indifference, it is basically a choice to lead myself and not be influenced my media, by the people around me, and other small details. I am a thinker, but I no longer search. No Television, no newspapers, no controlling or conformed individuals to bring me back to the life I left behind. I am a spiritual hermit!

I know I rant. It's ok.

Monday, November 21, 2005

It's so visible to me now


I'm tempting fate again. I'm pushing limits. To be a risk taker is to laugh in the face of God. I've been here before, and I think this time around I'm going to put a stop to it before some serious changes start taking place.

Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth
Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth

Your just a noise in my head
Your just a noise in my head
I'll drown you out
And I'll bury all the noises
from your hateful little mouth


The fog today, it's so thick. It's like a blanket completely engulfing Victoria. It's so strange. Anyway to more pressing matters. Tyler came over and we had a great time. Now, this is the scary part, it's been four days of getting to know him in person, I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. I like him so much, but at the same time, I don't think I'm comfortable enough to let go, to explore it anymore than I already have. He is a great guy! Fuck, that's the problem in as few words as possible, he is a great, funny, hot little guy...and I'm a risk taking pussy.

You wanna hear about parallels, how about the 49th?

I don't know right now. I need to do some serious thinking.

There gonna cut the lines!!!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Ok really I'm not that bad


We'll after recovering from Friday, which was a very fun night I hit the clubs again. My straight friend Catherine, her straight friend Tristin, and my friend Mike hung out all night together. I always find these guys to be very easy to hang out with, and we laugh a lot. At the end of the night Catherine offers me some Coke to sober up, and I haven't tried it before so I thought why not, have to try this at least once in my life. We go into a lesbian bathroom and do a line. And here starts the beginnings of a story that just goes wrong!

Coke is unusual, I think what it does is help people who are insecure, lacking energy, who have problems socially - hence making the person feel invincible and confident. I do not lack these qualities and did not notice a big difference, but what it does to is give you way more energy and also makes you much more chatty.

I sober up immediately after taking a line and than an idea is sparked up. Let's go to Mike's place and get in the hot tub. We hail a cab, arrive, take our clothes off and put on some robes...onward to the tub. Four coke heads heading up a flight of stairs to the tub, with some coke at hand, alcohol, cigerettes, etc. It's getting exciting! Ok, so the tub was cold, there was a power outage and it wasn't turned back on, so there goes that idea. Instead we head down to the rec room and do another line, do some marijuana, and have a few drinks sitting around in robes (I swear I have seen this in a movie somewhere). Long story short, we had a great time but had zero sleep, we were up all morning and I didn't get a nap until about 1 or so. I am hungover today again, and will not do cocaine ever again (I did way too much). I am glad I tried it, but I have a feeling that it would affect me more if I continue to use in randomly. Thanks but no thanks...it is taken off of my list of things I have to try though (at least once in my life).

I feel a little weird today sigh. Drugs suck. We're planning a murder mystery dinner soon.
It should be a fun time.

Oh yeah I forget, Michael who is married hit on me that morning sigh. We are lying on the sofa bed downstairs in our underwear, and he asks me "What are you looking for?", ok ok I may have been flirty, but still...I turn to him and I give him a hard slap on the chest and I tell him to stop it. Why are all men pigs? Regardless, I get up right away, get dressed and head home. I know Michael's partner, and yeah maybe they are in an open relationship, I dunno, but I will not cross that line. Bad Karma!!!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Saturday morning....


I'm back from the club and it's 4:17 am, hehe, and I'm a little bit stoned :). Tonight I have learnt very interesting things about some of the people I have know for a while. I went to an after party with known peoples and hung . I enjoyed watching this new dynamic, with a group of known friends - who's lives become so much more real as I get to know each of them - being the outside acquaintance of course. I'm probably exaggerating the current effect I'm trying to relay to you, but I assure you, marijuana makes the experience seem much more interesting. I learn one guy, who I always felt was conservative is now a pot smoking, interesting guy! Another friend Michael who is a musical genius, has now become a very funny guy - comedian one might say. And the rest just validate many of the assumptions that I may have inadvertently came up with or learned over time.

Ok so topics of conversation.

One, the noticed use of my grammar is tending to be much more conservative than I would have expected. And, I understand why: the reason being, I'm thinking about looking at this in the morning and am worried about comprehension.

Secondly, someone I have known for quite some time now; I don't know he seems like there are some internal struggles occurring in his head, and I think I am not helping matters be being a lustful man who he finds attractive...from what I have gathered, the situation he is in is maybe "borderline fucked up in some way", it's just something I'm feeling (and picking from the conversations I heard tonight). I also caught a few glances from him, but I'm trying not to return them. There is a connection, but we know it won't be happening anytime soon, and I find it's a strong connection. I am fine with it, get beyond the sexual tension and just try to be friendly without jumping in the sack.

Next topic, another friend who I can honestly say has series mental issues kept rubbing everyone's head ALL night long hehe. I gave him notice about my reactions sometimes negatively, in total probably close to 20 times. I quote "please don't rub my head", or "don't rub my head it bothers me", and other nifty things that came to mind without screaming at him. The other guest were equally as pissed off or worried about this guy. You have to understand that there are some mental implications I see as a result of his behavior. I have heard that may have have an obsessive compulsive disorder, which I am seriously considering is the case right now.

I am beginning to think that some coupled relationships are quite fucked, I am now glad my one year stint was with someone at least moderately adjusted and normal...Although it wasn't that normal or adjusted, but hell he didn't embarrass me, or stalk me, or just be a really dumb person overall. Anyway, this could be a much longer story, lol, most of it praising him but at the same time pointing out some serious shortcomings also.

Note: The universe is diverting marijuana offers my way lately. Maybe to expand this guys mind more :), so the question is...should I continue smoking it, and start developing a novel? Because it seems like I enjoy typing, LOL.

This may make me seem psychotic...However tomorrow I will look at this page and think WTF, I expect it to be deleted, lol? Looking back over the entry I am describing some situations where I am being judgmental and I shouldn't be, I apologize, but I am merely pointing out the different types of people I encounter. If you take it another way, please send me a note, and I will definitely remove this entry.

Life if very interesting at this point in this existence we all share commonly. I am constantly being amused as to how someone's energy or train of though - how a change in my general demeanor dictates how others react to me. For instance, turning off the relationship radar that was operational for a while - turning it off, starting brining in all these offers, people are now more attracted to me - I find it all very strange. I will go with it though, I met some great people lately, now it's going to get confusing. Turning off the radar also turned away some of my fears of being friendly and approachable. Although I can see tonight it's a bad thing because I'm sending out too many "friendly singles which are interpreted as sex offers" in the gay community. I'll figure it out at some point in my life!

PS A man who I think I am connected to in this world of souls...I don't think he's satisfied with his life. :(. I'll never forget him for as long as I live, I think he maybe getting abused, I don't know, or he is insecure, unhappy, ok ok, he's a fucking enigma. I don't know how to describe him but I do feel the insurmountable amount of energy (sexual?) and tension being passed between us. He knows too.

you're made of my rib, oh baby
you're made of my sin
and I can't tell where your lust ends and where your love begins
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry
and the moon gives me permission and I enter through her eyes
she's losing her virginity and all her will to compromise
I didn't want to hurt you baby

if you knew how much I love you, you would run away
but when I treat you bad it always makes you want to stay
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
how can you do this to me now?

Pretty When You Cry - The Vast

Weird, awesome song, but the lyrics sound fucked when I actually look up what he is saying LOL (his voice is muffled)

As you can see -- I am Stoned

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Plug In Baby

Since I have gotten back from vacation I have been fighting a major software fire. Sigh, I am partially responsible and am on a team consisting of the most brilliant dudes at our company. It's an awesome experience, but I am humbled now, I'm no longer the perfectionist. It was a great ordeal, but it has taken a bit out of me...LOOK OUT long weekend. Regardless, today is the final day of the ship hold, we are moving forward, and mistakes and lack of policy will be looked at because in essence it never really was sigh. I won't tell you how much money our company lost, lol...Hopefully we still get a bonus...I don't know anymore now.
I still love my job!
My weekend was interesting! But at the same time I am dreading work tomorrow. We have some major ship holds and I'm in the middle of everything sigh. It'll be ok. I'm sitting back in my underwear listening to some muse.

What makes a weekend interesting? I don't know, when I go out in Victoria, I feel like I belong now. I have made some good friends, and am surrounded by some great energy. My ex Dennis was out Saturday night. In the past, if I saw him out, I would react in a very negative way, but now, we can talk for an hour and hang out, and it doesn't bother me (that much). We even set up some squash dates! I'm glad that that part of my life is finally over. A closed chapter (gawd I hate book analogies).

I met a cool guy who hails from Boston. A musical genius, prodigy...we have been playing the game for about three months now, but I finally gave in to his unparalleled confusion. He was fine, and kind of turned into a mushy guy once he realized I had a mind too, but at the same time, I cannot be with him.

I have set the bar high, and I have a great deal of expectations. I'd rather just wait and find out what's going to happen more than anything else.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Just don't think I'd ever get over you :)


I drink good coffee every morning,
it comes from a place that's far away
When I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

It's raining today again in Victoria, which is no surprise. I'm more surprised that it's Tuesday and looking back on last week it seems so far away. So distant, and in one week, I am amazed at how much I have seen, how much I have taken in spiritually, how emotional one journey could be, and how it can change my viewpoint, my outlook, my emotional state...in just one week.

Don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth?
But if I lived till I was 102,
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Tyler phoned me last night. He doesn't know how much I actually like him. And how he has changed my emotional state of mind. He doesn't know that I am deeply weighting a lot of important thoughts in my mind, that I am already more involved than I should be. He doesn't know and I'm not sure if he will ever know, I guess we will have to wait and find out. I still think I'm not worthy of someone as great as he is, but I am.

No longer moved to drink strong whiskey
Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
that if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I have to get over this teenager mentality...is it just me? Am I the only guy that gets hopeful, that dreams of impossible futures...that hopes that this one, could be the one. I think he could be the one. He has a soul that's faced a lot of life altering changes, a soul that has realized that life is short lived, it's what you make it, no more hang ups, no regrets...just go for it. He is more powerful than he knows, more complex and complete than the majority of people I have met. But he maybe a handful.

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I hate winnipeg

Late afternoon, another day is nearly done
A darker grey is breaking through a lighter one
A thousand sharpened elbows in the underground
That hollow hurried sound of feet on polished floor
And in the dollar store, the clerk is closing up
And counting loonies trying not to say

I hate Winnipeg

The driver checks the mirror seven minutes late
The crowded riders' restlessness enunciates
The Guess Who sucked, the Jets were lousy anyway
The same route everyday
And in the turning lane
Someone’s stalled again
He’s talking to himself
And hears the price of gas repeat his phrase

I hate Winnipeg

And up above us all
Leaning into sky
Our golden business boy
Will watch the North End die
And sing, “I love this town”
Then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim

I
Hate
Winnipeg