Suprise, I'm cynical again

I want to start by telling you I’m not a writer. I don’t have these dreams of one day making it big, being acclaimed and all. I just want to tell a story and hope that some of you have the time to read it.

I always begin in the same way. It’s always the same way. I talk about where I am, what I’m doing, who I hate. I want it to be different this time. I want to have some glorious idea that I can’t stop writing about. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point.

Mortality is slapping me in the face, taunting me, wanting me to just give him and announce to the world, yes, I will die. I’ll die alright, I have enough habits to ensure it will happen, but before I do, I want there to be some big deal, something that will turns heads and say, “Hey, remember that guy Charlie? You do? Or wow, do you remember the time when…”, as I’m six feet under and smiling at my accomplishments.

I’m not there yet, wherever that is. In fact, I’m still struggling with finding the beginning, the gear that gets the machine in motion. Fuck, sometimes I could just scream out of frustration. It’s the unknown that kills me.

Christmas is approaching and all I can do is bite my lip. I mean, I want to contribute but it goes against all of my core beliefs. I want to be like everyone else and mask my contempt of consumerism but I can’t.

I’ve disappointed a lot people because of it. They call me cheap because I have a hard time conforming to the idea of their Christmas. Instead, I chew on my lip and fill myself with anxiety because I can’t go to malls, I can’t be around the drones of people, and it makes me far too anxious.

The whole time I’m there I think about how sad their lives are and how I never want to be one of them. I think about how fat people can get, how spoiled their children can be, whether or not they washed their hands after going to the washroom; I think about fecal matter and traces of urine on every door handle, every item of food being served, on every snot nosed kid who doesn’t even have the decency to turn away and cough.

And you wonder why I hate the masses?

I’ve even tried shopping online. Oh boy, store after store of needless things. I could just pick anything. I mean, that’s all that way, some expression of monetary love, but I can’t even do that. Everything just looks so bland and I hate it. So yeah, I guess it’s another year of being judged for not ‘giving’.

I have a little nephew and a brother who are the only people I’d really shop for. After talking to dad, I find out my brother already is getting an IPOD Nano and a computer for Christmas. I mean, really… why should I even bother getting him more?

My stomach rolls over just thinking about how many thousand will be spent on him. I don’t think I’d feel good about it, to give him one more thing he can throw into his pile. I hope you can see why I find it all so sickening. So I tell him he already has enough.

Brad, my - insert defination of relationship here - suggested I should get carbon credits for my family members.

You can make a cash donation to reduce carbon emissions and put it in someone else’s name. It sounds like a terrific idea. Only, I know they’ll hate me for it. They would think I’m crazy and tell me what a waste it is and only I will see the irony of it all.

For Christmas this year, I think I’ll help save the planet in my family’s name.

About the other night....

“So it’s like that, eh?”

“All this time together and we just part ways?”, as I search for something more. I try to read the unreadable, decipher something that isn’t there anymore. Find the only thing comfortable in my life all over again.

Today is a new day. I am tired from Hot Yoga, intense foods, great books, and a love for doing too much with so little time. I want to say today is glorious but I’d only be fooling myself. I know that everyone else knows how to read me so well - although I think I’m unreadable. I should take a note to fix that problem.

It’s a new day indeed. The sun is shining through the clouds, the rain; oh the down pour. Anyway, it’s shining dammit and the future is shaping itself all around me. The lush nature of living is becoming apparent and I am more then happy to continue on. I am more then happy to start a new path. I swear.

I asked an important question. What is fourteen divided by two? It’s a simple enough answer; you could even blurt it out if you want. It means a bit more to me. Fourteen divide by two is a number I’m not too happy with. It’s a number I approach with cynicism and doubt. It’s a number that has caused me much grief in the past week or so.

Fourteen divided by two is bullshit. How could you put a time on us? Are we that trivial? Seven days to think about whether or not we will spend the last seven days together?

I think you’ve already made up your mind. I think poking “your friend” in the head the other night didn’t help matters much either. Just for the record though, it wasn’t about you. It was my pride being insulted by an opportunitist.

You have no idea what he did. And if you weren’t there with him, I would have done the same thing. Because? You know me. You know I don’t stand for that sort of bullshit. I wanted a night where I didn’t feel bad, and I wouldn’t stop until I got it.

He added me to his MSN and said I should be his friend for his benefit, ha-ha. So I wouldn’t be uncomfortable when I seen him around. Because he met my friend Tino, and Giles, and you; He felt as if I owed him conviviality? And he wanted to ensure I wouldn't tell my friends what kind of person he really is.

I owe him that because he talked about me for the last eight months to not only you, but a number of other people? I'm trying to see the logic, I really am. Why do I owe him anything? I even asked God. And I quote, "God, please help me understand why I should turn the other cheek? I know Jesus did it, but does this apply to todays age? Does it apply to me, and if so, how will it make me a better person?"

He didn't respond, so I'm assuming he's stumped.

I want to tell you, I owe him nothing. And I had reasons for my behavior. God gave me clearance, and I cannot go against the divine. He's lead me true so far, why go against him now?

I'm sorry that was politically incorrect: Why go against him or her now? I feel better now. Don't tell me I'm selfish. I just included half the population in a mere paragraph...

I was never any good at forgiving. In fact, my parents taught me how to be strong, and how to pick up for yourself, and how I should never let people walk over me. From a very early age, people did walk over me. They taunted me. They made fun of my impediment. They took the joy out of my life and turned a sensitive kid into someone who hated the world around him. Why? Because there was no love around me. I let them walk over me for a very long time until I decided I’d rather be happy and proud of myself.

I don't want to hate anymore. I don't want to have these bad feelings. And sometimes, the only way I can feel good is to take the power back. I have to stand tall. Don't you understand? I have to keep the people who think they can use me and let them know it's unacceptable.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is: it wasn’t you. And I do apologize to you for the events that night. It started by me picking up for you. You didn’t even see that and it's another story all together. I went out of my way to pick up for you.

I don’t feel bad about the situation, though. In fact, I felt pretty good when my friends and I walked home. I was like, “Wow, way to go Charlie. Way to stand up for yourself”. It’s not childish. It’s anger. It’s pride. It’s passion. And it's me missing our friendship. Don’t degrade those emotions and blame it on youth, innocence, or lack of wisdom. It was me living!

I think it made me that much closer to personal self-fulfillment.

So long

Tired but I ain't sleeping
Thinking about some sad affair
And why I should be leaving?
Some of these thoughts only seem to take me outta here
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make

Thinking about tomorrow
Tired from all the time I spare
On what I still believe in
When none of my talk ever seems to get me anywhere
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make

So long bye my friend so long
So long, will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been creating for you, so long
You know the light ain't fading from you
Nothing could save me from you, so long

Tired but I ain't dreaming falling into solid air
And why I must be leaving
Or one of these days I'm gonna pull out all my hair
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make

** 2 weeks divided by 2 equals an eternity