What am I doing?

There’s this forge and this ungrounded feeling that serves me ill. All along the paths I have taken, I have succumbed to the same broken thoughts, the doubts about who I am, where I am, what I am doing. My forge, which is within me, which could be around me, is starting to reek havoc on my well-being.

Whatever happened to the good ole’ days? The days when kids didn’t shoot up their parents, or when gays where secretly hiding and being miserable, or when the governments and our democracies hid their errors thanks to a lack of global broadcasting and free speech adjustments. What happened to the freedoms we once has in a time that was so restrictive?

This morning I awoke in my partners home. He can’t sleep without the aid of white noise, so I awake to the fan that is constantly churning in his bedroom. I’m on a single bed with a handful of sheets on top of me, red mind you; all I hear are the crows outside. I swear they get louder ever year. As I lie in his bed, awaiting his return, I know that this is all I want. I could make a life out of this and never question what I may be missing out on.

When I get up, I find him home already. He’s making breakfast for me to send me off to work. It’s a nice gesture but I am so out of it, I can’t acknowledge my thanks or even wish him a good day. I’m a stumbling fool at this point, but he understands, we had a long night celebrating his birthday.

I swear that everyday he gets even more handsome. Everyday I want to look at him even more, and the feelings I have for him are getting stronger. Everyday I am falling more and more in love with this guy. And trust me, I tried not to. I came up with so many excuses as to why I shouldn’t be with him. Even a month into it, I wasn’t that into him. I mean, I liked aspects of him but the entire package wasn’t there. Now, now I’m becoming more and more pathetic as the days go by. I’m officially convinced.

Relationship Update

The world is so pale next to you.

Brad and I aren’t moving forward; in fact because of our busy schedules we are now taking a step back. He only wants to see me on the weekends and he has stated that he ‘wants to have his cake and eat it to’. I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I want to be a weekend guy?

We went to a party together this weekend and there was this really hot couple hanging out. I was introduced to one of the guys, and I also flirted indirectly with his boyfriend. They both were masculine, and the boyfriend, who I didn’t talk to, had a beard; I guess I could say he was REALLY my type. The temptation was very difficult. I couldn’t help but notice him and want to be with him. And I guess now that we are taking a step back in our relationship, I wonder, should I? Is this what I really want? Should I say fuck it and inquire about bearded guy and his bf? I mean, nothing would come of it anyway. And I think the only way I would be interested is if he were single. So why even bother?

I think the point I am trying to make is, I am very pissed off about where this is going. I though we were doing so well and then I get blindsided by him. I know he still likes me, and I know that he is in to me, and I also understand his schedule and the things he needs to resolve in his life, but at the same time I guess I don't feel as needed or appreciated as I would like. When I am with someone, they should be willing to be there for me any day of the week, not just weekends. It sucks because I have opened myself up to him and now, when I actually want to spend time with him, he pulls away.

The man in me is still fucked. I am one hundred percent committed but the one thing I can’t stand is temptation. It wasn’t like this before in my previous relationship. I all wanted was my partner and the thought of other men didn’t even cross my mind. Now, it’s different…

Dudes in a car

I’m driving home last night after watching a movie with Brad. He’s caressing the back of my neck, which I love, and Brad mention to me that some dudes to my left took notice and said something nasty.

I look at the car to my left and I see three guys. A darker guy in the back giggling and pointing towards the guy in the passenger seat, and then to my amazement, I see what’s happening.

The guy in the passenger seat is getting the back of his neck caressed also. He's mocking us. They are ofcourse trying to put us down; they are trying to be complete assholes and make us feel bad for being two gay men who are publicly showing our affection; so I have to respond.

“Hey hot stuff. Looking good,” I say in a much stronger tone then my usual self. I’m looking right at the driver’s side passenger after giving a quick scan of the situation. The first thing I notice is the guy visibly jumping - I guess he didn't think we were on to their joke - and taking notice that my window is down.

They are obviously bothered now but they aren’t responding. In fact, they are not even looking my way anymore. They can talk the talk but when push comes to shove they have been dominated by one of their fears. A gay male has put them in their place. All I see now are the two people in the front of the car turn to eat other, whisper something and giggle.

I have to respond though and I do. “Yeah, that’s pretty hot man seeing your boyfriend rub the back of your neck like that. Man, I wish I could be a part of that!” Brad is in shock. He’s had bad experiences with men in the past. I guess being out at an earlier age gave him a few more experiences then myself. I haven’t had a physical confrontation before but am not opposed to it.

“HEY,” I say with an even more aggressive tone. “Maybe you should come over and rub my neck, hot stuff,” I reply. I look to Brad and I start laughing. And I see a few things happen. I see the power they once have slowly fade away, and then hand that was once caressing this guys neck is now quickly back on the steering wheel.

I’m furious and I am staring right at the dudes in the car. They, I think, are now afraid of how far I will go. What has turned into something so demoralizing for Brad and I has now turned into a situation where I have all the power. I am laughing and taunting these guys and they are too wimpy to take it to the next level.

I’m happy about this. I’m very pleased that I am at a point in my life where I am empowered and proud. I’m glad that I will not let people walk over me. After those three guys drove off, I was smiling ear to ear.

Lovely

Sometimes I still listen to the American Beauty soundtrack and think about that damn paper bag. I think about how significant something so plain and ordinary can be. I think sometimes I’m finally here, ya know. I’m finally contributing to society, and, I finally have friends, a boyfriend, and a family who I can understand. I have it all…yet, I feel empty. It’s not depression, or being unsatisfied in anyway, it’s just that I wonder if this is all there is? Is this my life?

I really should do something brave. I don’t know if I can be stuck in the same job, doing the same things, living in the same place. It’s not my nature. I was never like this. I was a rebel and I was only happy whenever I had a new project or something to obsess about. Now, I obsess about a presentation I have to give next Monday or the garden in the backyard, or my relationships with the people I love. I’m missing out.

There’s this change occurring. We all see it, no matter how sheltered or disillusioned we have become, the ice is receding friends; corporations are getting stronger, and the world as we know is losing species at an astounding rate.

The honey bee in America is in trouble. The honey bee which pollinates almost every fruit producing plant, every harvest crop give or take a few things like potatoes and like matters; the honey bee is dying. If the honey bee dies, then our cattle, our pigs, our animals that rely on these crops will also die. And then we are left with nothing. You see, it’s not just oil and gas anymore, it’s not temperature increases and floods, and it’s everything our species needs in order to survive. We’re dying.

I want to leave you with these thoughts on my Friday evening. I want you to think about your actions, because if we don’t, we aren’t going to have a world where it’s safe to live anymore. Our children, our nieces and nephews will struggle; they will suffer. And at this zenith, this epic time, when all life is in the balance, you can no longer turn a blind eye. You can no longer be ignorant because if you are, then all is lost.

I beg you. Think. Take yourselves off the grid. Lobby our governments. Change the world. It starts at one person at a time. I don’t want the people in my life to know who affected I am by this, I mean, I’m sure they are also, but I can be all doom and gloom.

When I mention these things to my parents, who live in the backwards fishing communities of Newfoundland, they think I’m crazy. They tell me they will hang up if I keep preaching these things. I don’t criticize the fact they have an SUV and a large Ford Truck, or that they do not recycle as much as they should, or that they are wasteful with energy, or that we don’t have much time left. I just tell them things will change in their lifetime if they don’t start thinking.

The last Glacier in Germany is melting away. I watch the news today as the German’s were desperately trying to cover large parts of the mountain with a tarp to deflect the sun. They have a couple of years left really; the last glacier in Germany will join the books with many other countries that have already lost their ice sheets. The polar bears are dying. Parasites and opportunistic species are coming back in full force. In fact, the pine beetle in BC is stronger then ever and on the East Coast the Spruce Bud Worm.

I see acres and acres of land failing us. I see the trees we so desperate need to keep this global warming crisis at bay; dying…it’s all I see anymore. I see it so clearly. The death around us and I want to scream at the masses. I am so angry. I can’t do anything only grieve ahead of time so that when the big day approaches, it will be out of my system and I will be ready to react.

My life is nothing but a sham now. It’s going to change. I’m going to see the world before it dies. I’m planning. I’m almost ready. And I don’t care about the responsibility of it all anymore; I will be content working on a farm somewhere, harvesting the land until it can’t support me anymore. I’m happy taking myself away from all this greed and destruction; this consumerism that has brainwashed so many.

Television, Radio, Billboards, Buses, Schools, Sidewalks, anything, it’s all been taken by these giants of consumerism. We’ve all be taken and we don’t even realize it. So how can we do something proactive in a world that has brainwashed us so badly? How can we change when all our youth can think about is the next release of Play station or World of War craft? Our children have been sucked into this void. This awful and dangerous place where it will take strength to escape. They have so many of them now and the numbers keep going up. If you don’t see the dangers, then you are one of them also.