Just let it go

It's an early workday, so early in fact, I think I'm still asleep. I'm listening to Fisherspoon and just burning away the time. I had a great weekend!!! Took my short term ex Giles out on Friday and Saturday. He just finished up finals and needed to let loose, I think I can say Mission Accomplished. He's a great guy, and I feel a total connection with him.

Friday I'm leaving to go to Vancouver. I can't wait to get out of the city and into an even bigger one. Where you are just another face, where you can compleley disappear into the massive buildings, endless streets, and become a number - just a number. As excited as I am about leaving, I'm headed into a mindset of questioning again. I guess it's my mood, or the things that have befallen me in the past month or so, but my mind is alive with so many thoughts.

I'm still recovering from the flu, which I am convinced now that is all it is: the flu. Kinda worried about it initially, but at the same time whatever happens, well it's part of the plan. A plan in which I am totally satisfied with right now. My life is really really great! The plan itself is changing. I'm being catapulted with full force into an unknown. I'm waivering on my decisions as of late, and I don't know anymore, I really think it's time to run again. You see, I'll let you all in on a little secret, I run a lot. When my fears come into play or when I feel stagnant I get the sudden urge to chance everything around me. And change isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be very spiritually invigorating. Right now, I feel as if I am in this rut. This place where I know the person I'm seeking doesn't exist. A place where gay people are superficial, who are always looking for something better - even though the best things maybe right in front of you. It's disturbing me, and Victoria itself (the scene at least) is a very strange, unknown, some might even say parallel universe that contains very uninviting people. Not all though, I have so many great friends...but some people are totally fucked!

I was never really a competitive person. And to see this madness around me, is a bit disheartening. My search is shifting, well I've actually given up the search completely. I'm happy to spent the rest of my life "alone", for what is the alternative? To settle for something I don't really want? I never could. The mere thought of it makes my mind reel. Thinking about the possibilities that could have occurred if I did in fact settle.

It's going to be tough spending my first Christmas on my own. I'm a little sad about it, a little bit lonely, but at the same time I have a few friends in Vancouver, and hopefully I will get to see them all. I do miss my family, and I miss Newfoundland, but at the same time I have to get used to being on my own. I have to get used to the possibility of spending more than one Christmas by myself...I mean isn't this what the majority of us (being the single gay population) do? I'm not alone, I'm alive and breathing...and I'm more fortunate than like 80 percent of the population, I'm grateful more than anything.

Rico's bike in Vancouver is calling me. The ski hills are echoing their energies. My life is just beginning, I'm still learning....

Santa Con

Do I really have to say anything more?

I'm sick you know. My lymph nodes are swollen, my ears...are well buzzing in and out, and I have a sore throat. I pray that is was because of this weekend, because the alternative, I fear, is much to hard to talk about right now. I could very well be approaching a very pivotal point in my life, God forbid. What every happens, know that this entry is a very important one. It may either teach me a very important lesson, or it may change my life entirely. I'm hoping for the first statement to be true.

So is this how it goes down now? Every illness I get will trigger a psychotic reaction? Is this the way I am to live my life for now on? I seriously hope not. If I am spared, than I will change my lifestyle and always remember this particular state of mind. It hasn't been a good journey the past month or so...in fact it has really pushed me spiritually and made me rethink a lot of things about life. We are not invincible soliders, never think that way. We are not!

I am glad at least I'm still able to write. This I am glad of. The girl in the picture is Jill. Cool girl! We had a great time at the Santa Con...soooo many people gave us crazy looks hehe. I totally want to do this again next year. There is something to be said about a 100+ santa's parading down the streets of Victoria and visiting the local establishments. It was quite an eye opener.

I'm still not fully recovered :(.

Angel's In America

Well, I took a break from life last night. I got home at around 4:30, made a quick dinner, and proceed to watch Angel's in America for like 5 hours. Such a great mini-series by HBO, I was quite impressed. Meryl Streep does a great job in the movie, wow her characters are so believable and the movie itself was full of great actors. The series itself is centered around the AIDs epidemic in the mid 1980's and touches on a number of different elements in relation to the gay culture, coming out, struggles, tribulations, ego, etc. I give it two snaps for sure. I recommend that you watch this mini-series, whether your gay or st8 it just doesn't matter.

It was nice to take a rest for sure. I'm doing a spin class after work today, and a major work out, and I think I may head up to Syndey to see my friend Matt and his mom (hehe) with a bottle of cloudberry wine...she loves Newfoundland wines, so I thought I would let her try this one. We will see how it all goes though, hopefully I don't feel too rushed and have enough time to visit tonight...it would be fun.

And he rode on a glistening path of nothingness

Doldrums.

I have an adversity to poor taste - it's some lifelong accomplishment that is set in motion whenever I am reminded that not everyone can carry themselves to the upmost importance. I wonder why people refuse to see the best in themselves and want to better their lives. It doesn't mean you have to dress a certain way, have proper table manners, or even be eloquent; just fucking be confident and look me in the eye. It's a sad fate really. To be weak, defeated, not being able to see the world properly...they don't get it. It's pretty simple though if you think about it: You exist, you will die, make the best of it. If you hold back you accomplish nothing, and fear is your worst enemy.

There is an unknown path we all follow - some too closely, or they are so fucking off track that they are trying to claw their way back to solid ground.

Path represents a journey of the mind. A path can also lead to life or career goals; but a path is more than a destination -- paths lead to people. Paths connect communities. So I ask myself and anyone reading this, do you know your path?

Anyway, far too philosophical!

At what point, did we shed the primal stages of life to advance into this more evolved - but still very ignorant form of life? If we want to think about spiritual paths, than I would say we all have a different destination. For me, I think I have exhausted all avenues of questioning life, and now my spiritual path is very basic. Mold myself into the world of nature, relish in the beauty of life, go for hikes, bike rides, meet as many people as possible, and analyze little, the key word is fun.

I am (a) being so free and so unconcerned about the world around you. It isn't indifference, it is basically a choice to lead myself and not be influenced my media, by the people around me, and other small details. I am a thinker, but I no longer search. No Television, no newspapers, no controlling or conformed individuals to bring me back to the life I left behind. I am a spiritual hermit!

I know I rant. It's ok.

It's so visible to me now

I'm tempting fate again. I'm pushing limits. To be a risk taker is to laugh in the face of God. I've been here before, and I think this time around I'm going to put a stop to it before some serious changes start taking place.

Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth
Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth

Your just a noise in my head
Your just a noise in my head
I'll drown you out
And I'll bury all the noises
from your hateful little mouth

The fog today, it's so thick. It's like a blanket completely engulfing Victoria. It's so strange. Anyway to more pressing matters. Tyler came over and we had a great time. Now, this is the scary part, it's been four days of getting to know him in person, I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. I like him so much, but at the same time, I don't think I'm comfortable enough to let go, to explore it anymore than I already have. He is a great guy! Fuck, that's the problem in as few words as possible, he is a great, funny, hot little guy...and I'm a risk taking pussy.

You wanna hear about parallels, how about the 49th?

I don't know right now. I need to do some serious thinking.

There gonna cut the lines!!!

Ok really I'm not that bad

We'll after recovering from Friday, which was a very fun night I hit the clubs again. My straight friend Catherine, her straight friend Tristin, and my friend Mike hung out all night together. I always find these guys to be very easy to hang out with, and we laugh a lot. At the end of the night Catherine offers me some Coke to sober up, and I haven't tried it before so I thought why not, have to try this at least once in my life. We go into a lesbian bathroom and do a line. And here starts the beginnings of a story that just goes wrong!

Coke is unusual, I think what it does is help people who are insecure, lacking energy, who have problems socially - hence making the person feel invincible and confident. I do not lack these qualities and did not notice a big difference, but what it does to is give you way more energy and also makes you much more chatty.

I sober up immediately after taking a line and than an idea is sparked up. Let's go to Mike's place and get in the hot tub. We hail a cab, arrive, take our clothes off and put on some robes...onward to the tub. Four coke heads heading up a flight of stairs to the tub, with some coke at hand, alcohol, cigerettes, etc. It's getting exciting! Ok, so the tub was cold, there was a power outage and it wasn't turned back on, so there goes that idea. Instead we head down to the rec room and do another line, do some marijuana, and have a few drinks sitting around in robes (I swear I have seen this in a movie somewhere). Long story short, we had a great time but had zero sleep, we were up all morning and I didn't get a nap until about 1 or so. I am hungover today again, and will not do cocaine ever again (I did way too much). I am glad I tried it, but I have a feeling that it would affect me more if I continue to use in randomly. Thanks but no thanks...it is taken off of my list of things I have to try though (at least once in my life).

I feel a little weird today sigh. Drugs suck. We're planning a murder mystery dinner soon.
It should be a fun time.

Oh yeah I forget, Michael who is married hit on me that morning sigh. We are lying on the sofa bed downstairs in our underwear, and he asks me "What are you looking for?", ok ok I may have been flirty, but still...I turn to him and I give him a hard slap on the chest and I tell him to stop it. Why are all men pigs? Regardless, I get up right away, get dressed and head home. I know Michael's partner, and yeah maybe they are in an open relationship, I dunno, but I will not cross that line. Bad Karma!!!

Saturday morning....

I'm back from the club and it's 4:17 am, hehe, and I'm a little bit stoned :). Tonight I have learnt very interesting things about some of the people I have know for a while. I went to an after party with known peoples and hung . I enjoyed watching this new dynamic, with a group of known friends - who's lives become so much more real as I get to know each of them - being the outside acquaintance of course. I'm probably exaggerating the current effect I'm trying to relay to you, but I assure you, marijuana makes the experience seem much more interesting. I learn one guy, who I always felt was conservative is now a pot smoking, interesting guy! Another friend Michael who is a musical genius, has now become a very funny guy - comedian one might say. And the rest just validate many of the assumptions that I may have inadvertently came up with or learned over time.

Ok so topics of conversation.

One, the noticed use of my grammar is tending to be much more conservative than I would have expected. And, I understand why: the reason being, I'm thinking about looking at this in the morning and am worried about comprehension.

Secondly, someone I have known for quite some time now; I don't know he seems like there are some internal struggles occurring in his head, and I think I am not helping matters be being a lustful man who he finds attractive...from what I have gathered, the situation he is in is maybe "borderline fucked up in some way", it's just something I'm feeling (and picking from the conversations I heard tonight). I also caught a few glances from him, but I'm trying not to return them. There is a connection, but we know it won't be happening anytime soon, and I find it's a strong connection. I am fine with it, get beyond the sexual tension and just try to be friendly without jumping in the sack.

Next topic, another friend who I can honestly say has series mental issues kept rubbing everyone's head ALL night long hehe. I gave him notice about my reactions sometimes negatively, in total probably close to 20 times. I quote "please don't rub my head", or "don't rub my head it bothers me", and other nifty things that came to mind without screaming at him. The other guest were equally as pissed off or worried about this guy. You have to understand that there are some mental implications I see as a result of his behavior. I have heard that may have have an obsessive compulsive disorder, which I am seriously considering is the case right now.

I am beginning to think that some coupled relationships are quite fucked, I am now glad my one year stint was with someone at least moderately adjusted and normal...Although it wasn't that normal or adjusted, but hell he didn't embarrass me, or stalk me, or just be a really dumb person overall. Anyway, this could be a much longer story, lol, most of it praising him but at the same time pointing out some serious shortcomings also.

Note: The universe is diverting marijuana offers my way lately. Maybe to expand this guys mind more :), so the question is...should I continue smoking it, and start developing a novel? Because it seems like I enjoy typing, LOL.

This may make me seem psychotic...However tomorrow I will look at this page and think WTF, I expect it to be deleted, lol? Looking back over the entry I am describing some situations where I am being judgmental and I shouldn't be, I apologize, but I am merely pointing out the different types of people I encounter. If you take it another way, please send me a note, and I will definitely remove this entry.

Life if very interesting at this point in this existence we all share commonly. I am constantly being amused as to how someone's energy or train of though - how a change in my general demeanor dictates how others react to me. For instance, turning off the relationship radar that was operational for a while - turning it off, starting brining in all these offers, people are now more attracted to me - I find it all very strange. I will go with it though, I met some great people lately, now it's going to get confusing. Turning off the radar also turned away some of my fears of being friendly and approachable. Although I can see tonight it's a bad thing because I'm sending out too many "friendly singles which are interpreted as sex offers" in the gay community. I'll figure it out at some point in my life!

PS A man who I think I am connected to in this world of souls...I don't think he's satisfied with his life. :(. I'll never forget him for as long as I live, I think he maybe getting abused, I don't know, or he is insecure, unhappy, ok ok, he's a fucking enigma. I don't know how to describe him but I do feel the insurmountable amount of energy (sexual?) and tension being passed between us. He knows too.

you're made of my rib, oh baby
you're made of my sin
and I can't tell where your lust ends and where your love begins
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry
and the moon gives me permission and I enter through her eyes
she's losing her virginity and all her will to compromise
I didn't want to hurt you baby

if you knew how much I love you, you would run away
but when I treat you bad it always makes you want to stay
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
how can you do this to me now?

Pretty When You Cry - The Vast

Weird, awesome song, but the lyrics sound fucked when I actually look up what he is saying LOL (his voice is muffled)

As you can see -- I am Stoned

Plug In Baby

Since I have gotten back from vacation I have been fighting a major software fire. Sigh, I am partially responsible and am on a team consisting of the most brilliant dudes at our company. It's an awesome experience, but I am humbled now, I'm no longer the perfectionist. It was a great ordeal, but it has taken a bit out of me...LOOK OUT long weekend. Regardless, today is the final day of the ship hold, we are moving forward, and mistakes and lack of policy will be looked at because in essence it never really was sigh. I won't tell you how much money our company lost, lol...Hopefully we still get a bonus...I don't know anymore now.

I still love my job!

My weekend was interesting! But at the same time I am dreading work tomorrow. We have some major ship holds and I'm in the middle of everything sigh. It'll be ok. I'm sitting back in my underwear listening to some muse.

What makes a weekend interesting? I don't know, when I go out in Victoria, I feel like I belong now. I have made some good friends, and am surrounded by some great energy. My ex Dennis was out Saturday night. In the past, if I saw him out, I would react in a very negative way, but now, we can talk for an hour and hang out, and it doesn't bother me (that much). We even set up some squash dates! I'm glad that that part of my life is finally over. A closed chapter (gawd I hate book analogies).

I met a cool guy who hails from Boston. A musical genius, prodigy...we have been playing the game for about three months now, but I finally gave in to his unparalleled confusion. He was fine, and kind of turned into a mushy guy once he realized I had a mind too, but at the same time, I cannot be with him.

I have set the bar high, and I have a great deal of expectations. I'd rather just wait and find out what's going to happen more than anything else.

Just don't think I'd ever get over you :)

I drink good coffee every morning,

it comes from a place that's far away

When I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

It's raining today again in Victoria, which is no surprise. I'm more surprised that it's Tuesday and looking back on last week it seems so far away. So distant, and in one week, I am amazed at how much I have seen, how much I have taken in spiritually, how emotional one journey could be, and how it can change my viewpoint, my outlook, my emotional state...in just one week.

Don't want you thinking I'm unhappy

What is closer to the truth?

But if I lived till I was 102,

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Tyler phoned me last night. He doesn't know how much I actually like him. And how he has changed my emotional state of mind. He doesn't know that I am deeply weighting a lot of important thoughts in my mind, that I am already more involved than I should be. He doesn't know and I'm not sure if he will ever know, I guess we will have to wait and find out. I still think I'm not worthy of someone as great as he is, but I am.

No longer moved to drink strong whiskey

Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew

that if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I have to get over this teenager mentality...is it just me? Am I the only guy that gets hopeful, that dreams of impossible futures...that hopes that this one, could be the one. I think he could be the one. He has a soul that's faced a lot of life altering changes, a soul that has realized that life is short lived, it's what you make it, no more hang ups, no regrets...just go for it. He is more powerful than he knows, more complex and complete than the majority of people I have met. But he maybe a handful.

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner

'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do

Even though I may soon feel the touch of love

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I hate winnipeg

Late afternoon, another day is nearly done
A darker grey is breaking through a lighter one
A thousand sharpened elbows in the underground
That hollow hurried sound of feet on polished floor
And in the dollar store, the clerk is closing up
And counting loonies trying not to say

I hate Winnipeg

The driver checks the mirror seven minutes late
The crowded riders' restlessness enunciates
The Guess Who sucked, the Jets were lousy anyway
The same route everyday
And in the turning lane
Someone’s stalled again
He’s talking to himself
And hears the price of gas repeat his phrase

I hate Winnipeg

And up above us all
Leaning into sky
Our golden business boy
Will watch the North End die
And sing, “I love this town”
Then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim

I
Hate
Winnipeg

The vacation is over and so am I...

Men reading fashion magazines
Oh what a world
It seems we live in
Straight man
Oh what a world
We live in

Why am I always on a plane or a fast train
Oh what a world my parents gave me
Always
traveling' but not in love

Still I think I'm doin' fine
Wouldn't it be a lovely headline
Life is
Beautiful on a New York Times

Men reading fashion magazines
Oh what a world
It seems we live in
Straight man
Oh what a world
We live in

Why am I always on a plane or a fast train
Oh what a world my parents gave me
Always
Travelin' but not in love

Still I think I'm doin' fine
Wouldn't it be a lovely headline
Life is
Beautiful on a New York Times
Oh what a world
We live in

Why am I always on a plane or a fast train
Oh what a world my parents gave me
Always
Travelin' but not in love

Still I think I'm doin' fine
Wouldn't it be a lovely headline
Life is
Beautiful

My vacation in a nutshell (There is too much to write, so I will try to summarize it - sorry guys)

Portland - summed up, great people, beautiful architecture, I met some good guys there and may have made a lifelong friend in the process. It was great. The coast line is beautiful driving down, nothing but rolling hills, yellowed grasses, Shasta Mountain was exquisite. We ate at a great italian restaurant, wish I could remember the name, but it's some of the best chow I've had in a while. The city itself, has an industrial/commerical feel to it, I'm assuming because of the industries surrounding it's history. People are laid back and unique, the streets are clean, too many homeless people though. I don't think I could ever live there, I'm an avid biker and I think there is way too much noise pollution and people. Would I go back yeah, fuck yeah! Silveradooooooooooo.


San Francisco - After driving for about 10 hours we arrive, headed towards the bay bridge, cruising along with 10 lanes of traffic. The city is so intimidating from the outside, but once you arrive, wow, stunning buildings that climb into the sky, friendly (sometimes smelly), and easy to use city. I was quite impressed. I don't think it's possible to take a bad picture of San Francisco. The gay scene is pretty bad but very friendly, and great dancing music. My friend Rico and I were too picky to hook up with anyone but we had a much better time hitting the 24 hour diner in the Castro area. We had a great laugh there. Take aways, driving around San Fran, hula hooping in the park, and doing the National Lampoons tour of the art gallary haha, such great work and photography there, I think it really inspired me. I like the fact Rico and I are such independant guys, ever place we visited, we were really outgoing and made lots of friends. It's cool, I'm so glad we can travel and not have hang ups.

Santa Cruz/The Farm - Rico's family was amazing and very friendly. We hike 3 miles one day to see elephant seals, lived on a beautiful and photogenic farm, hike a mountain or two, did visits to the local towns, had a nice dinner out. It was absolutely perfect (maybe the best part of the trip). At night, peace, quiet, no light pollution, only the sound of the ocean and the traces of some other life (the native Indians). The energy was very noticeable and gripping.

Highway one - What can I say? Lots of turns, curves, loops, hills...LOL, it makes it a pretty strenuous drive, but at the same time the coast line is amazing. The ocean goes on forever, lighthouses, small towns, farmland. And, to top it off the most incredible streaches of forests ever known to man. The redwords were awe inspiring, and I even became a little emotional after seeing them. One of the last strains of pure and natural beauty. Driving through the redword forests while the sun was disappearing really did a number on me. I kept thinking, this is one the last places I can go to find nature beauty in the world. This is one of the last places that man hasn't destroyed. The trees were so immense, so powerful, you could feel the spiritual force of nature there. Driving through, I was both smiling, sad, in awe, and I may have even shed a tear or two. I want to go back and camp there at some point, set up a tent, and just hike through the acres and acres of forest.

I think we took around 450 pictures, which I have to sift through tonight. I have some great art work coming up, some great pictures I want to frame for my apartment. I am getting quite good at using my camera, I'm very happy with it.

Back to Vancouver...this will take a little more time, and is more meaningful in a sense. Well, I want to write a lot, but I have to tone it down. Friday night my friends and I head out, and I am introduced to a guy who will remain nameless. To be honest, after the introduction and hearing him talk I was kind of entranced. I couldn't believe how hot this guy was turning out to be. But I thought, no, he's out of my league, he's clearly not interested. That night, I met the wrong guy.

We head to BOO the next night, my friend Rico, and his friend Rocco. Who I find very attractive, but...hehe, don't ask. We head to BOO, get a bit of make up applied for our Halloween costume (red masks and sparkling beads around my eye area), and start dancing. I find some stuff, and start feeling even better. I flirt heavily with Rocco, I see a guy from Portland who I have taken a liking too and have meet twice in my travels, and a few other guys are there who are flirting shamelessly...but...the guy from Fountain Head is at BOO! He comes up to me and says hello, and to be honest I'm a little taken aback but after a short conversation I get the impression that he is interested. So I move in for the kill, and I hug and kiss him. I have to let him know, I can't let him think I'm not interested. He turns out to be an incredible kisser, with a great smile, handsome voice, sexy body.

Needless to say it was a great night, and I met a lot of people, but when home with the right person. He has an amazing soul. A beautiful outlook. A sensitive yet masculine guy who gets the bigger picture. I was quite impressed and sad to leave on Sunday. It's not everyday you connect with someone and really feel like he could be someone you could build something with. Ok ok, I'm ranting. I'm happy. I'm relaxed. I love life. I'm thankful. Enough said.

A readers question

Anonymous said...

Why do gay man feel more of a need for instant gratification than those in the straight world seem to do?

Oh gawd, my first question comes from a gay dude, great way to wave the flag. I have a question, why is it that because your gay, you have to shove it down everyone's throat? Geeze, really...couldn't you think of something a little more creative to ask? Anyway Bob, here goes:

In response to the question (gag), I don't think it's just gay men, but all men. You have to remember that in a straight relationship, there is another party involved, a women. Women tend to have higher morals, are more judgemental, and uptight about sex, it would never work. If a woman was more mentally indifferent and sexually unrestrainted, and if the act of instant gratification and open relationships were more widely accepted in the straight world, maybe there would be a greater number of practicing sluts.

I don't think gay men differ from straight men in terms of sexual exploits, but if there are differences I would relate it totally to environment and conditioning. Sex is pushed more, and used as both an anti-depressant, ego booster, and ice breaker in the gay community, therefore much more of a focus. Hopefully one day, when our social systems more readily accept us, it may change.

Until then, get a hobby :)

Read my damn blog

I'm going to try to sum myself up in as few sentences as possible without sickening myself with the grandiose thoughts running through my mind. So here goes:

I'm a five foot six, gay, attractive, in shape guy that happens to be happy and single. I ride bicycle, read books, and work out, blah blah blah, and seriously I don't give a shit about most of the people in this fucking world because a) they don't deserve it; b) it's not about me; and c) what's the point?

Lets address the issue of being single for a minute. I think I know why, it's because I really haven't found too many people in my life that wouldn't annoy me to no end if we were in fact going to start a relationship. NO, I am not perfect, but claim to be. I just really can't see myself with just anyone, sorry, did that before and can't do it again. And, now please guys don't be offended, don't be all like "who does this bitch think she is?". No worries, I'm just a just a guy with standards who doesn't feel the need to settle because there are infrequent bouts of loneliness that every one feels from time to time. Who knows, maybe I'm single because I'm secretly crazy...But I haven't came to the realization yet...naw, it's all about settling. And remember girls, men are pigs...Hell they'd even have sex with one if it felt good. Monogamy is the word of the day.

So, my work. Yes I do, and no thanks I'd prefer not to have another. I am a computer programmer to sum it up. Ummm, but if I really explained my job to you, your eyes would probably cross together in less than a minute, and you would convulse after about five minutes of indebt discussion. Yeah for me, I've entered a profession in which a small percentage of people in the world could actually have an intelligible conversation in relation to my knowledge.

Writing is like sex....

Writing is like sex. First you do it for love, then you do it for your friends, and then you do it for money.

-- Virginia Woolfe

Do you really have sex for love at first? LOL. This is not what I am accustomed too. I thought sex was done for other reasons like the need for human companionship, or in some cases the need to get off, the basic building blocks of any good ape, is the raw desire to just pound some other ape and get off. Than again, I'm not an ape, and hopefully I can distinguish myself from these internal desires that should have been breed out of our species a long time ago.

My idea of a fairy tale romance, sex with the person I love - well, I am not sure if that will ever be played out now. Sex is an ice breaker in the gay community. It is expected to occur almost immediately and it also is the basis of any lasting gay friendship....to make friends you must put out!!! Sad in a way. I have been down that road, and I can honestly say I have made some great friends now!!! But, I don't think I would ever enterain the idea of sleeping around in the future only if I am in a different city. I have built up some morals and ideals and I tend to stick to them. When your young and unenciteful you tend to conform a little easier.

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

-- Daphne Fielding, The Duchess of Jermyn Street

I can come across as being judgmental at times towards my family, my brothers….and with good reason. Although no matter how much I could criticize, I’m the guy you’ll see at the world strung up on God knows what, with my shirt off, randomly meeting people for a good time. In other words, I’m a big time hypocrite, slut, fool, prick...you name it, I'll agree. But than again, maybe I’m just desperate, nice, or I just want to have a really fun time with no strings attached….or maybe 3.5 years in Victoria has lead me to break loose every chance I get because I’m practically invisible over here. The gay community in Victoria is quite strange. Other cities welcome me with open pants….I mean hearts.

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex; they should draw the line at goats.

-- Elton John

Anyway, I’m just ranting…it’s the rain I swear. It’s the four + months without television – which I feel no loss for. Maybe I should just say fuck it and buy a goat…..

The universe is the bride of the soul

The universe is the bride of the soul. All private sympathy is partial. Two human beings are like globes, which can touch only in a point, and, whilst they remain in contact, all other points of each of the spheres are inert; their turn must also come, and the longer a particular union lasts, the more energy of appetency the parts not in union acquire.

Monday, the beginning of a new week – work is now the epicenter of my existence for the next five days. Is it an existence though? Is this what was intended of us? To glide through our existence only to find that our efforts, our manifests created, merely pale in comparison to the universe as a whole. Emerson put it best:

“If I have described life as a flux of moods, I must now add, that there is that in us which changes not, and which ranks all sensations and states of mind. The consciousness in each man is a sliding scale, which identifies him now with the First Cause, and now with the flesh of his body; life above life, in infinite degrees. The sentiment from which it sprung determines the dignity of any deed, and the question ever is, not, what you have done or forborne, but, at whose command you have done or forborne it.”

No doubt analyzing the very nature of human cruelty, to be here whilst we are empty to the things we cannot see. We cannot grasp – only the here and now – due to a lack of time, a lack of spiritual growth, and a lack of opportunity. I do not question anymore, although I have much to question, many things to relish on, I have to let go or be consumed with the energies, struggles, and missed opportunities of others. I cannot for it will do nothing but hinder me.

“Man lives by pulses; our organic movements are such; and the chemical and ethereal agents are undulatory and alternate; and the mind goes antagonizing on, and never prospers but by fits. We thrive by casualties. Our chief experiences have been casual.”

Monday, the end of an old week. I’m looking forward to the potential, I’m avaricious towards new freedoms, highlights, and occurrence. I’m itinerant in three weeks; down the coast of Oregon to Portland, and than to San Francisco, California. It should be a marvelous understanding, and myself being a virgin to the workings of the NW Coast of the United States am already far to energized to put this into words. According to Emerson once again – for some reason I’m reading him today, --life is made up of the two elements, power and form…although invariably I think there is a much larger schematic involved than just these two constants. Form and Power. Although he was a novelist in the late 1800’s I can say that life is much more diverse that these two trivial notions. Life is what you make it, it’s comprised of nothing only what the individual warrants as being important and useful. Life is inevitably life….

The Dark Side of Genius

If there is anything that can be said about dreams and longings, it is that they…are hard to express. It is difficult transmit into words the oddness of an image, the comic-grotesque distortions of inner time and space, the weird amalgams of feeling that leave people perhaps a little more aware of their deepest responses to life and a little more unsure of the artifice with which they so often cover themselves.

-- The Dark Side of Genius

Are we so deprived as individuals or more blind to the things around us that we no longer understand the simplicity of this world? Being deprived is a normal response I think, because we all want more. Its human nature to be curious, to want to explore, to yearn for the best we can possibly achieve…not in all cases though. I have been talking to my sister, who thinks that life should be much more complex and interactive than what she is experiencing everyday now. She has a child, but doesn’t comprehend the fact that single mom’s with deadbeat dads have no lives. The majority of people in the world are subjected to working, eating, daily chores, and than to bed…only to wake and experience the same loop again for weeks until the breaking point, which maybe a vacation, or a change in ones life is the need is desperate enough.

The constant loop - if it were a programming loop, right away we would have to eliminate it, because loops freeze up systems, drain resources, or well as simply put they never end. Life isn’t a program, yet there are similarities and unfortunately we do not question our own loops. Human’s tend to just accept defeat rather easily. Loops have various commands depending on the language you choose to use, some examples are “next”, “random”, “skip”, “while”, “iterate”, and “prev” to name a few. If you were say stuck on a particular rut in your life…you could simply select the “next” element, or “skip” elements until you find the one you desire, “while” passing through the needless data. Would we be anymore aware if we could shape our own destinies? I think we need that hardship, that rut every once in a while to spur the motivation to want more; to drive yourself further than you ever expected.

Philosophy has no immediate influence on the great majority of mankind; it interests only a small number even of the thin upper stratum of intellectuals. While all the rest find it beyond them. As quoting my sister "Why are you talking about weird stuff?" lol. What a Dolt! In essence, I should just talk about my sexual encounters, trips, and drunken ordeals, that's all anyway really wants to read....

Happiness

Happiness is something final and complete in itself, as being the aim and end of all practical activities whatever…. Happiness then we define as the active exercise of the mind in conformity with perfect goodness or virtue.

- Aristotle

Wit is educated insolence.

I no longer want to walk on worn soles (Friedrich Nietzsche) so as of today - because of the sensitivity of solitude appropriate to the rain; due to relinquishing television; due to existing unaccompanied as a spiritual being….I NEED NEW SHOES!

The rain can be a very gratifying experience. I remember times spent in Tofino, with the rain just persistently falling for three or four days, and being wrapped in the arms of an additional, it was a very quixotic experience. In Newfoundland, the rain comes down hard, it bellows down as if the sky was waiting to explode and all you see is the might of the fall, the flow, it’s so powerful like every other weather experience on that secluded little island. I miss walking outside and immediately being drenched with water, there is nothing like that in Victoria sad to say, the rain is slow like the people and the culture, it creeps up on you and before you know it, you slowly start taking in water.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

-Carl Sandburg

"Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality."

"One should as a rule respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny, and is likely to interfere with happiness in all kinds of ways."

-- Bertrand Russell, Conquest of Happiness

I am no doubt analyzing the very nature of human cruelty, to be here whilst we are empty to the things we cannot see. We cannot grasp – only the here and now – due to a lack of time, a lack of spiritual growth, and a lack of opportunity. I do not question anymore, although I have much to question, many things to relish on, I have to let go or be consumed with the energies, struggles, and missed opportunities of others. I cannot for it will do nothing but hinder me.

“Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths."

Life is inevitably life….

I think I have found the path of least resistance. Total and utter submission, lacking daily questioning of life, lacking the vigor of wanting and striving to over achieve, it’s the inane ability (or disability) to just accept. I have found numerous ways of now being spiritual – another word for blanking out your mind of the world around you.

"The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it."