You know that you’ve hit rock bottom when you’re sitting at a bathhouse, talking to a complete stranger, explaining how faithful you are to your partner, who is sleeping in one of the rooms.
“We don’t normally go to things like this, but I was curious. Dennis and I are completely dedicated to one another. I mean, yeah sure, sex with other guys is important to him, and it hurts me, but we are more evolved, you know?” I’m saying this to some skinny, bitter, gay boy who is looking me up and down in my towel. He has no interest in this conversation and is silently planning his escape.
“Dennis recommended that we go to a sex club last night. There were all these guys around, roaming in the dark, and finally we were trapped in this small room with them.” I recalled to this fag who was incisively taking drags on his cigarette and nodding at the right times.
“We didn’t finish! I thought it was a gross experience and I made Dennis leave with me.” I had to make note of this and hang on to whatever dignity I had left.
“You went last night?” He finally spoke up and after I confirm the hard date he replies: “Dude, it was AIDS night, everyone knows that.”
My face turns an ashy gray color and I yell what? AIDS night? “Nobody told us this. Don’t you think they would warn us if that were the case?” I’m completely enraged right now and retracing the past night's events.
“It was in the paper dude,” he gets up and leaves only to say “You’re hot, man!”
“You’re disgusting,” I rally back, feeling free and liberated. I’m so sick of being objectified. He only turns to me again with a stunned look and walks off; actually, he wobbles off in his clean white towel, never to return again.
You know you’ve hit rock bottom, when you're standing by yourself, in a bathhouse, with your partner asleep in one of the rooms, thinking you may have just contracted HIV.
I run back to our room and shake him away. “Dennis, Dennis, get the hell up. We are leaving, I’ve had enough of this,” his lids flutter open and he’s obviously upset that I woke him.
“What?” he asks.
I explain the newly founded information about AIDS night and am in a panic. Laughing, he replies “We didn’t do anything unsafe, and I doubt it was ‘AIDS’ night. You’re over-reacting.”
“I don’t care I want out. I can’t take this anymore. It’s insane,” I’m picking up my things and dressing, expecting him to follow suit. “I’m done Dennis, its over.”
Why do so many gay men fall into this obscurity? Bathhouses, sex clubs, anonymous online hook-ups, these are the things that I have to deal with on a daily basis when facing men of my
proclivity .
Why are we so consumed with sex? Is it loneliness? Boredom? Is it different for everyone who partakes in the sinful side of being gay?
When I first came out I was so ignorant to it all. The only role model I had, the only man I could look up to and learn the ropes with, was Dennis. He taught me a great deal, most of it disturbing and wrong. I was taught that I needed to partake in the debauchery of our culture. He told me I needed threeways, and to experiment; I needed to get my heart broken by countless men, and then to finally collapse and become one of them: an emotionally, unadjusted gay male. It’s something we all strive for.
My role model. How I absorbed it all and questioned nothing. It was funny looking back how lost I truly was. Now I know what’s important and I am not tainted by love and utter conformity. Now I can look at these venues we went to, these acts that I can honestly say, I was forced into, and think how stupid I really was.
We don’t have to conform, nor will it make you happier. The only thing it will do is make you less human, less caring, and you will loose the most important parts of being human: emotional sensitivity, sexual intimacy, and trust. I don’t want to treat my partner like a porn star, and I don't want to be viewed as just another lay.
The weekend in Seattle ended with me punching my partner in the stomach, storming out of a bar, never to return again. That weekend was the breaking point for me, and I would never venture back into that dark side of the gay scene again.
I’m surprised I’m even writing this. I’m embarrassed that people may read it or judge me for my comments on this scene. I will not apologize. These are my thoughts and you cannot take my viewpoints away from me.
The only thing I can do is urge people to respect themselves, and respect your partners. We don’t need to have threeways and open relationships to appease our partner. We should be dedicated and respectful or each other; no bullshit. It’s an easy way out of making an actual commitment, and it certainly isn’t a healthy way to grow with someone and form intimacy. I see so many lost, lonely men who have chosen this path. The only advice I can give you all is: grow up.
“We don’t normally go to things like this, but I was curious. Dennis and I are completely dedicated to one another. I mean, yeah sure, sex with other guys is important to him, and it hurts me, but we are more evolved, you know?” I’m saying this to some skinny, bitter, gay boy who is looking me up and down in my towel. He has no interest in this conversation and is silently planning his escape.
“Dennis recommended that we go to a sex club last night. There were all these guys around, roaming in the dark, and finally we were trapped in this small room with them.” I recalled to this fag who was incisively taking drags on his cigarette and nodding at the right times.
“We didn’t finish! I thought it was a gross experience and I made Dennis leave with me.” I had to make note of this and hang on to whatever dignity I had left.
“You went last night?” He finally spoke up and after I confirm the hard date he replies: “Dude, it was AIDS night, everyone knows that.”
My face turns an ashy gray color and I yell what? AIDS night? “Nobody told us this. Don’t you think they would warn us if that were the case?” I’m completely enraged right now and retracing the past night's events.
“It was in the paper dude,” he gets up and leaves only to say “You’re hot, man!”
“You’re disgusting,” I rally back, feeling free and liberated. I’m so sick of being objectified. He only turns to me again with a stunned look and walks off; actually, he wobbles off in his clean white towel, never to return again.
You know you’ve hit rock bottom, when you're standing by yourself, in a bathhouse, with your partner asleep in one of the rooms, thinking you may have just contracted HIV.
I run back to our room and shake him away. “Dennis, Dennis, get the hell up. We are leaving, I’ve had enough of this,” his lids flutter open and he’s obviously upset that I woke him.
“What?” he asks.
I explain the newly founded information about AIDS night and am in a panic. Laughing, he replies “We didn’t do anything unsafe, and I doubt it was ‘AIDS’ night. You’re over-reacting.”
“I don’t care I want out. I can’t take this anymore. It’s insane,” I’m picking up my things and dressing, expecting him to follow suit. “I’m done Dennis, its over.”
Why do so many gay men fall into this obscurity? Bathhouses, sex clubs, anonymous online hook-ups, these are the things that I have to deal with on a daily basis when facing men of my
proclivity .
Why are we so consumed with sex? Is it loneliness? Boredom? Is it different for everyone who partakes in the sinful side of being gay?
When I first came out I was so ignorant to it all. The only role model I had, the only man I could look up to and learn the ropes with, was Dennis. He taught me a great deal, most of it disturbing and wrong. I was taught that I needed to partake in the debauchery of our culture. He told me I needed threeways, and to experiment; I needed to get my heart broken by countless men, and then to finally collapse and become one of them: an emotionally, unadjusted gay male. It’s something we all strive for.
My role model. How I absorbed it all and questioned nothing. It was funny looking back how lost I truly was. Now I know what’s important and I am not tainted by love and utter conformity. Now I can look at these venues we went to, these acts that I can honestly say, I was forced into, and think how stupid I really was.
We don’t have to conform, nor will it make you happier. The only thing it will do is make you less human, less caring, and you will loose the most important parts of being human: emotional sensitivity, sexual intimacy, and trust. I don’t want to treat my partner like a porn star, and I don't want to be viewed as just another lay.
The weekend in Seattle ended with me punching my partner in the stomach, storming out of a bar, never to return again. That weekend was the breaking point for me, and I would never venture back into that dark side of the gay scene again.
I’m surprised I’m even writing this. I’m embarrassed that people may read it or judge me for my comments on this scene. I will not apologize. These are my thoughts and you cannot take my viewpoints away from me.
The only thing I can do is urge people to respect themselves, and respect your partners. We don’t need to have threeways and open relationships to appease our partner. We should be dedicated and respectful or each other; no bullshit. It’s an easy way out of making an actual commitment, and it certainly isn’t a healthy way to grow with someone and form intimacy. I see so many lost, lonely men who have chosen this path. The only advice I can give you all is: grow up.
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2 comments:
I didn't know that there was still baths out there I thought that AIDS had close them all down. I have never attended one. Only heard about them. I'm not sure if they sound like fun or not
Yeah, we still have them all across Canada. I think the West Coast parts of the United States has made efforts - more notibly San Fran and surrounding areas - to rid themselves of this beast.
I have tried them, and I wouldn't do it again.
I'm sorry to sound all preachy today, but when I reflect on these things...well I vent, because I didn't vent back then. It therapy man.
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