About the other night....

“So it’s like that, eh?”

“All this time together and we just part ways?”, as I search for something more. I try to read the unreadable, decipher something that isn’t there anymore. Find the only thing comfortable in my life all over again.

Today is a new day. I am tired from Hot Yoga, intense foods, great books, and a love for doing too much with so little time. I want to say today is glorious but I’d only be fooling myself. I know that everyone else knows how to read me so well - although I think I’m unreadable. I should take a note to fix that problem.

It’s a new day indeed. The sun is shining through the clouds, the rain; oh the down pour. Anyway, it’s shining dammit and the future is shaping itself all around me. The lush nature of living is becoming apparent and I am more then happy to continue on. I am more then happy to start a new path. I swear.

I asked an important question. What is fourteen divided by two? It’s a simple enough answer; you could even blurt it out if you want. It means a bit more to me. Fourteen divide by two is a number I’m not too happy with. It’s a number I approach with cynicism and doubt. It’s a number that has caused me much grief in the past week or so.

Fourteen divided by two is bullshit. How could you put a time on us? Are we that trivial? Seven days to think about whether or not we will spend the last seven days together?

I think you’ve already made up your mind. I think poking “your friend” in the head the other night didn’t help matters much either. Just for the record though, it wasn’t about you. It was my pride being insulted by an opportunitist.

You have no idea what he did. And if you weren’t there with him, I would have done the same thing. Because? You know me. You know I don’t stand for that sort of bullshit. I wanted a night where I didn’t feel bad, and I wouldn’t stop until I got it.

He added me to his MSN and said I should be his friend for his benefit, ha-ha. So I wouldn’t be uncomfortable when I seen him around. Because he met my friend Tino, and Giles, and you; He felt as if I owed him conviviality? And he wanted to ensure I wouldn't tell my friends what kind of person he really is.

I owe him that because he talked about me for the last eight months to not only you, but a number of other people? I'm trying to see the logic, I really am. Why do I owe him anything? I even asked God. And I quote, "God, please help me understand why I should turn the other cheek? I know Jesus did it, but does this apply to todays age? Does it apply to me, and if so, how will it make me a better person?"

He didn't respond, so I'm assuming he's stumped.

I want to tell you, I owe him nothing. And I had reasons for my behavior. God gave me clearance, and I cannot go against the divine. He's lead me true so far, why go against him now?

I'm sorry that was politically incorrect: Why go against him or her now? I feel better now. Don't tell me I'm selfish. I just included half the population in a mere paragraph...

I was never any good at forgiving. In fact, my parents taught me how to be strong, and how to pick up for yourself, and how I should never let people walk over me. From a very early age, people did walk over me. They taunted me. They made fun of my impediment. They took the joy out of my life and turned a sensitive kid into someone who hated the world around him. Why? Because there was no love around me. I let them walk over me for a very long time until I decided I’d rather be happy and proud of myself.

I don't want to hate anymore. I don't want to have these bad feelings. And sometimes, the only way I can feel good is to take the power back. I have to stand tall. Don't you understand? I have to keep the people who think they can use me and let them know it's unacceptable.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is: it wasn’t you. And I do apologize to you for the events that night. It started by me picking up for you. You didn’t even see that and it's another story all together. I went out of my way to pick up for you.

I don’t feel bad about the situation, though. In fact, I felt pretty good when my friends and I walked home. I was like, “Wow, way to go Charlie. Way to stand up for yourself”. It’s not childish. It’s anger. It’s pride. It’s passion. And it's me missing our friendship. Don’t degrade those emotions and blame it on youth, innocence, or lack of wisdom. It was me living!

I think it made me that much closer to personal self-fulfillment.