Just lost a little faith

One day, some sweet smile might turn my head.

The summer is finally here. I can walk around with t-shirts, and shorts, and sandals; I can tan, and see other tanned people enjoying cold coffee beverages and quick made salads. Oh yes, the summer is here, and the city of Victoria is feeling it. I see beauty everywhere as of late.

Do you ever get the feeling that you are surrounded by so much stunning, visual imagery? Does your soul burst with happiness on those days?

That's how I feel when I gaze upon a great piece of art, or meeting someone extremely beautiful. It's a feeling I can't measure, and a feeling that I welcome. There is nothing more pleasurable than knowing that this is it, and well, I'm ok...

A couple of nights ago I met Dale - who has a boyfriend - and asked him to head down to Dallas Road for a walk. It was a cool night, and we both strolled along Cook Street; the street itself is tree lined, and full of old character homes. The sky was clear, and as we approached the ocean, we could see Port Angeles very clearly in the background. The lights of the port town were twinkling across the ocean, and making their way to provide an adequate, romantic background.

I always wonder what the people in this well lit town are doing. They are so close, yet we never see any of them. The trail itself smelled beautiful. I could take in the grasses, the saps from the trees, and the array of different types of flowers. We approach a tunnel of bushes and trees, which blocks out the sun/moon and makes you feel as if you are somewhere completely different. And the ocean, we can hear the ocean beat against the rocks. If I weren't so respectful I would have pressed myself against him, and kissed him.

The moon is like some Roy Henry Vickers painting; full and reflecting across the sea towards us. I feel as if I'm staring into one of his works at this moment in time, and I could do nothing but enjoy it. I'm with Dale. This is what it would be like for us both, if we were together. Nothing else would matter, only our strides together, and comments about life. The moon, the sky, the lights, and smells; all that would matter is the here and now, and nothing else. I ask myself why I keep putting myself in this situation with him. I mean, he has a boyfriend; he is happy, together, and content...for the most part. Yet, I yearn to still explore him as a friend.

We are both hesitant, and have both admitted our attraction to one another, but neither of us will cross that life. We are not the same as every other gay man. I have been describe as 'one foot in and one foot out' of the culture I am apart of. I can say the same about this guy. There is so much I don't know about him, and so many bits and pieces that I'm so curious about.

All I can do is relax and stare into his hazel eyes, knowing full well, this man has struggled and had to keep his life a secret far longer than I could ever cope with; deep inside of myself, I feel love towards him. It's not because I love him so much, it's because I love the struggle he had to go through. It whispers to me, and pleads for me to break into that mess, that tangle of everything wrong with the world that has left a lasting impression on him.

No, I won't. I can't really. That is an intimacy that only his partner is aware of. That is something so personal and meaningful that only a select few could be apart of it. The only reason my life differed from his is because my courage forced me to confront it a lot earlier in life. There is beauty everywhere lately.

I went on a 40 KM bike trip this Sunday after waking up around two and missing an invitation to go hiking. I was sour at the fact I woke up so late, and immediately prepared for the journey. The trails themselves are well laid out, paved, and lined with trees and flowers. They weren't as busy this Sunday, and I attributed that to mother’s day. I pushed hard and crashed through the trails passing most everyone in my wake.

After 40 KM only one person passed me, and I could cope with it. It's not a competition, but I do like to know that I'm athletic and that at some point in my life I could take this hobby more seriously. I arrived at Sidney after biking 26 KM. The town is quaint, quiet, and settled. The majority of the tenants are older retirees; there is an energy of calm surrounding the place. It's mother's day and most of the older population is out enjoying the sunny day. The Bistros and Deli's are filled, and the older generation, who are wearing their brightly colored sweaters and pants, are basking in it. Their shades are on, and the conversations are flowing.

I am nervous looking at it all. I'm the outsider who will one day be that age. Will I want to be in a group of older folks, still being the token gay male? Will I have someone before I reach that age? What will become of it all?

It really doesn't matter, you know. I mean, I'm living and breathing; learning so much. The rest is meaningless. I'm thinking about Saturday night, and a friend of mine asked me a simple question: "What do you want out of life?”

Immediately I reply, "Nothing, I want nothing; I'm a driven guy and it would tear me up inside every time I concentrated on the things I wanted. You see, I was once consumed with want; everything around me I needed to accomplish or gain right away. If I didn't get what I wanted, my very essence would be crushed. So, long story short, wants make me unhappy, so I have managed to eliminate a life of wants and just limit myself to basic needs."

It was effective, and I think I really brought the point across. I'm living life as a Buddhist for the most part. A life of introspection and I try not to cloud it with the absurd things that most people get caught up in while living their lives. "I want nothing, man. I only want to live, change, do good..."