My friend is on an epic journey now. I found out this weekend he is positive as we lay in bed together in the wee hours of the morning. I have known him for a number of years – I have even dated his ex who broke his heart and forever changed him. We were on the town together, and at the end of the night, I went back to his place to hang out.
He pointed out some cancer spots all over his arms and immediately I knew that form of carcinoma. He’s fucking 26. 26 fucking years old and I can do nothing but hold back my sorrow. I don’t want to cry in front of him. I don’t want for him to see that it’s not ok. And yeah, you really fucked up, my friend. There’s no getting out of this one.
So we spend the rest of the night talking about it. We address the what-ifs associated with the disease.
“What if…when I get older…what if I have to start injecting myself with drugs, like Greg, you know Greg, right? I’d kill myself before I get to that point, I wouldn’t be able to handle it,” he tells me. I hear him sighing with grieve. I hug him and squeeze him and I tell him that he's strong. The drugs nowadays are much more advanced then Greg’s time. He’s had it for fifteen years. “I never want you to give up, man”. “I’d be lost”.
“Ok, ok…but what if I go on a date with a really cute guy, like Todd. How do you think Todd would react if he found out?” I know how Todd would react. He would hear the words, and then start thinking about an escape.
“Todd’s a complete jackass man. If he reacts negatively then he’s not the right guy for you”. He has this opportunity now to do something unconventional. This disease will ground him severely and I think at the age of 26 he will finally become an adult. It’s sad to see it, but this is his path in life.
It’s still around guys. And I can name about ten other people I know, who are all close to me, who I have dated or befriended, who also have the virus. I don’t want to see anyone else suffer. I don’t want to see gay males fall into the trap of self-destructive behavior. We are a minority, and yes we ARE NOT accepted, but that doesn’t mean you can’t travel this word seeking self-love and acceptance. It’s out there. I have it.
“Its’ ok man. I love you. And I want you to know that you have me for life now. I will forever be loyal to you,” I’m fighting back the tears. No, why bother, I’m fucking crying and I don’t give a shit. It’s one more person I have to worry about now. I’m going to see a lot of friends die in the upcoming decade. And every time a death occurs it will take another piece of my soul with them; I’m afraid it will get to the point where I will no longer be affected, and when I react that day, I will be scared out of my wits.
It’s a wake up call. It’s something that has plagued me again and again in my own life. Getting calls from disease control because someone I had a relationship with is now positive, or dating someone who is positive and then having myself go completely wacko because or it…or…what does it matter. All I know is, I am twenty eight years old and I will do everything in my power to stay healthy.
I’m not an angry guy but when I see the hurt, pain, suffering, whatever…when I see the lives of my brothers fade, I want to scream at God. I want to ask whatever force create this elegant universe, WHY? Why do you want us to suffer?
Without suffering we are nothing.
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1 comment:
I'm sorry to hear that mate. I had a close friend disclose his status as well. It was a wake up call for me as well. Infection rates are very high in Sydney, 20% and more younger people are getting the virus. All it took for my friend was one time of unprotected anal sex. It is sad..but luckily his health is good and as you said the meds are much better now.
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