I don't know

In wanna hold the hand inside you.
I wanna take the breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing.
I look to you to see the truth

Fade into you.
Strange you never knew.
Fade into you.
I think it's great you never knew.

My ex was out tonight. Jesus, 1.5 years, and still it affects me. He noticed that I arrived with my friend Jacob, and assumed we we're together. I played into it initially...I mean why wouldn't I? This fucker changed my life; not in a bad way, but he really opened my eyes. I feel a loss, not being with him anymore. I talked to him, and initially he had his guard up, and proceeds to say things to hurt me. I ask "How have you been Dennis?” He only replies "Busy, very very busy". I know right away he wants to upset me. Our relationship has now hit a different plateau, a disconnected and uncomfortable friendship.

He tells me that he went to Whistler for a very big gay ski weekend and had a lot of fun, and implied he met some guys. Now, his two friends whom he's had an intimate relationship with are coming up from New York to visit, than he will travel back with them. I know it's because I'm with Jacob and he is hurt seeing us together, so I play into it. I just look at Dennis and reply "Well, good for you" and walk away. It's ok. I feel fine about it. I go over to Jacob, hug him and I guess I'm playing the game also.

After a while I approach him again. I express to him that it hurts to hear about these things, I don't want to know. I don't want him to rub things in my face. We talk for about a half an hour, now having a more meaningful conversation about life; where we are. I want to know if he's happy, and how things are...I mean, how things are really? It's tough, you know, living in a world where you make few intimate connections; where you feel comfortable with someone to the point where nothing matters. I have that with him. I have it and everytime we connect again after bouts of trying not to see one another, I run through the same train wreck of emotions.

He has a sleep disorder, and is on long term disability; something I questioned when I was with him. I just have to accept it and not be the logical person I am. He tells me he isn't getting better, things are worse, and he may have to more somewhere else - maybe even back to Ontario. It's so weird, I feel so much for him, and I want him to be happy. He's the lonely guy, walking alone in life, showing up at the bar by himself. My heart goes out to him - such a sad story really - and I break down. I cry in front of him and express that I only want him to be happy. "I never want to lose our connection Dennis, and no matter what has happened between us, we have to keep this link". I always find the energy between us to be so powerful. It's so important, more than anything else in my life, and I will struggle to keep it.

I think he knows that I only want good things for him, initially he was more guarded and wearisome about the progress we we’re making after the break up. A friendship may not work, but I want something out of this mess we have created. Haha, a mess...funny but true.

The sad, lost, and caring soul inside of me wants to fix his hurts. I realize, it could never work...I tried once...it could never work. I just don't know why I can't believe it.