A real eye opener

He had a conspicuous smile. I never quite knew whether or not I was coming or going half the time. The morning, lying together side by side, and knowing that I would have to leave him to a day of listlessness; he would be sprawled out on the bed, in and out, and hoping I would leave him to sleep.

Most mornings the window would blow in cold air, the birds would chirp, and I would leave his place and allow him to enjoy it all, but only for as long as I could. We lived on the lower portion of a house up in View Royal.

The area resembles a park, tree clad, green, and eventful but slow. The ocean was about a block away with little to no traffic at all times. It was one of the most romantic settings I have ever been in, and I’m sure part of it played into why I loved him so much. The peacefulness around us was breathtaking. Dennis, myself, and our two cats were the only things in the world for a year of my life, the rest of it was so inconsequential. The rest of it didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was him.

Have you ever had a friend and lover that totally threw you for a loop? I came into this relationship completely oblivious and skeptical with respect to love. Love was something you see in movies; nobody could possess such a powerful emotion in real life. It just didn’t seem like something tangible, and still it’s not tangible, it’s something that we were given as thinking organisms, and it has allowed me to explore sides of my spirituality I never thought possible.

I remember the night I came out to my parents. I was living in British Columbia for about a year, and at the age of 23 I finally started exploring who I was. I finally started breaking down all my mental guards and I met someone.

He was the fourth guy I had ever slept with and I fell for him immediately. The night I saw him at the club my heart leapt. The first night I saw him, he was with a group of his friends, and I assumed he wasn’t from BC. I was so shy and uncomfortable that I didn’t make an attempt to intercept his attention. He wouldn’t have wanted me anyway…

A few months went by and I was just getting back from a vacation in Fort Lauderdale with my parents. I head out to the club and I see him again. He is leaned against one of the poles talking to a friend of his.

His dress was unusual. He wore checkered shirts along with standard jeans you could buy at a Winners location. He was 38, had a goatee, about five foot nine; he was someone that I wouldn’t consider hot, but there was something about him, some sexual presence and aura that I was drawn to.

As I walked into the club and saw him, the same complex emotions set in again, and I began to clam up. I almost turned around and left immediately, but the driving force inside of me pushed me forward. As I walk by, I make an effort to let him know that I am interested, I make direct eye contract with him, but unfortunately he is more focused on his friend.

Turning red with embarrassment I run to the bar and order a beer. A few minutes later he is on me, and later he tells me his friend told him that I was sizing him up. I’ve never been chased to the degree Dennis had perused me.

He stood in my eye view and just smiled, staring until I flushed and looked away. I quickly ascertained that the idea of subtly never quite was grasped in his long life. But, I play into it nonetheless.

After about ten minutes of idle conversation, I tell him I’m leaving and put on my jacket. I proceed to the exit only to be cut off by him. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked. His stance is challenging and his playfulness is all too aparent.

“Home,” I reply, knowing full well I just want to be with him. “This bar makes me sick. ” All I can do is notice his bedroom eyes, the cut of his jeans, his arms which are dark and hairy, along with a smirk that would piss off the best of people.

We spend the next year together. We move into together after three months. There were highs and lows, great travel experiences, some intimacy, and a great learning experience. This man brought me out of my shell and made me realize what is important in life. He made me set a standard so high, that I fear I will never find such a connection again.

On the third month of the relationship, and after one significant break up, we decide to move into together. My parents tried to reach my apartment all that week, unbeknown to them, I was never home; I was always with Dennis.

I phone them after the move somewhat distraught; I'm upset that they have such control over my life. “Mom, I haven’t been home for a week, I’ve been really busy.” She expresses how worried she has been and that they were ready to phone the police. “How could you not check in after a week? What have you been doing?”

“Mom, I have some good news. I’m moving in with someone. It’s a one bedroom apartment and I’m going to live with my friend Dennis”. I hear the gears ticking and there is silence on the line. Dennis is sitting in the background watching contently, and wearily lending his support. He is more afraid of the consequences than I am.

“A one bedroom? Where are you going to sleep? Charlie, this makes no sense at all. We are worried about you, come home!” Right then and there, I guess after years of being controlled and put into a society that prevented me from both loving myself and being loved, I knew then and there, I will no longer hide who I am. I spend far too long in the shadows and this moment will change me for the rest of my life. For the first time in my life I felt truly alive.

“I’m gay mom. I’m in a relationship with Dennis, he’s my partner, and we are gong to live together”. My soul is screaming this out on the inside; I’m grinning and happy that I, the boy who was awkward and sad, the boy who never had a place in this world, and I have finally found something viable and meaningful.

“That’s gross.” She hangs up only to phone again twice telling me that I shouldn’t joke with her. She’s pleading that I change my mind, and that I’m confused right now. British Columbia had changed me, in her opinion, and it wasn’t for the best.

We all come around in time. In less than two weeks we were talking again, and in less than a year, we had the same unfounded relationship that had always existed between us. It takes time…for some people. Gay is a small part of the world I live in, and I’m glad. To analyze this culture I’m in would only upset the general population. I am much more old fashioned and respect myself far too much to follow their viewpoints.

I loved him more than you could possibly imagine. It took a year to get over it, and then, another year to regain who I was and to finally be in the proper space. I am finally complete and he was a big part of my life journey.

My only regret was being too logical in our relationship; I refused to accept his disability because I couldn’t reason his claims. He has a ‘sleep disorder’ which I couldn’t understand; I couldn’t find enough proof one way or the other, and because of that I grew skeptical and mistrusting.

The prediction early on was that we could never be with someone due to his disability. His doctors said it would ruin any relationship that he would make efforts with; although I disagree with his self-fulfilled prophecy; I believe he was the one who failed to make it work, not the disability.

Even so, I miss him so much.