He's back

The married bi guy is back in my life again.

http://copeseticnature.blogspot.com/2006/03/its-alright-bi.html

I know you are thinking I’m crazy for even considering this, but we have been talking, and well, I have completely fallen for him. We have had some great conversations about how we feel about each other, and he is really opening up. I do understand that this will never go anywhere; it’s like our version of Brokeback Mountain, and I’m all for living out this experience. He has went from being more attracted to women, to now being more attracted to men, and is really giving me much more of himself than he refused to others in the past.

Mark (not his real name) told me that if he wasn’t married and so programmed not to fall for guys, he would be dating me and falling for me. All the while I’m thinking, why this guy? Why is it I fall for the men who are so emotionally unavailable?

Dating – a field where I am an experience veteran. I have been asked all the questions, I know the right things to say, and how to win a man over and get him into the sack. I do all these things, and meet great guys, but sometimes when I think the date is over, they develop a connection with me. I don’t.

When I date I almost always have zero emotional connections, but give me a guy who is conservative and emotionally distant, and I dream about being his husband. It’s certainly not healthy, but that’s what I’m into it. I could explore it in a much more pathological way, but I already know what I will find…

He’s coming over twice in August. He arrives in Vancouver, than to Victoria where I am asking him to extend the stay for an extra night. After two years of living with the infamous and emotionally distant Dennis – who by the way was very similar to this guy – I am now developing something more real with another man. My guards are totally down and I’m being candid, forward, and am starting to care a great deal about him.

The only warning I got was “don’t get too attached, I don’t want you to be hurt when I can’t return the same feelings”. And, yeah, I know I will be. I know that after spending these two weekends with him, I will be utterly devastated. The hopeless romantic inside me is yearning for it.

After he leaves me again; I will paint, write, become a little more cynical and relish in the love that I will have lost. You must think I’m a sucker for desperation, that I want to be hurt, but it’s not true; I enjoy the inspiration I gives me, the life experience that I will have obtained; I enjoy this lost soul who is struggling to find himself.