High Fidelity

I had a great dinner last night with my co-workers. The restaurant was very tacky and had a beach house feel to it, with netting and other trinkets scattered throughout. We had a table for eleven people; the majority were married couples, along with Andrew and myself. There was a lot of talk about weddings, children, and couple stories; to be honest I was a bit turned off from some of the conversations.

The food was amazing. I had a seafood medley of halibut, salmon, clams, and shrimp, along with vegetables. We were sitting at a long table and our window looked into the ocean. Sometimes throughout the night I would keep staring out there, wishing that I was out in a kayaking and not having to deal with the straight world around me. I feel rather disconnected. I feel as if my "culture" doesn't allow me to enjoy the same things. It would be difficult to bring a boyfriend who was monogamous, and who wanted children, and would be perfectly dedicated to myself and our life together. Maybe I'm just jaded or cynical...

The people around me are loving and caring. All ten of them are special in some way or another, and I am glad to know them. If I thought that a small town, depressed, closeted Newfoundlander, would be sitting at a five star restaurant eating a three course meal with significant and accomplished people, well, I guess I would have frowned at the idea. It's so beyond what my previous life was. That life, which I haven't visited in a number of years, is always in the back of my mind. Sometimes, I wonder if I have even imagined it... No, I know it's still there to some degree, and I think coming back to it will be a bit of a culture shock. I'm sure I have changed a lot, but it will not as noticeable as when I am actually back in my hometown.

I planned a trip, you know. I planned it, saved time, and was excited. It never works out, and I wonder if I'm wasting my time visiting a family that has enough problems without me. I feel as if I have pushed my family away from me, and forced myself to forget.