I'm mad at you

Everyone wants something epic in their life. Something to look back on and say “I did that!” I want to conquer the world. I want the people in my life to excel and be happy. I want a utopia that is blissful, where there is no suffering, where I don’t go to sleep at night with guilt hanging over me for the lives I overlook.

My friend is on an epic journey now. I found out this weekend he is positive as we lay in bed together in the wee hours of the morning. I have known him for a number of years – I have even dated his ex who broke his heart and forever changed him. We were on the town together, and at the end of the night, I went back to his place to hang out.

He pointed out some cancer spots all over his arms and immediately I knew that form of carcinoma. He’s fucking 26. 26 fucking years old and I can do nothing but hold back my sorrow. I don’t want to cry in front of him. I don’t want for him to see that it’s not ok. And yeah, you really fucked up, my friend. There’s no getting out of this one.

So we spend the rest of the night talking about it. We address the what-ifs associated with the disease.

“What if…when I get older…what if I have to start injecting myself with drugs, like Greg, you know Greg, right? I’d kill myself before I get to that point, I wouldn’t be able to handle it,” he tells me. I hear him sighing with grieve. I hug him and squeeze him and I tell him that he's strong. The drugs nowadays are much more advanced then Greg’s time. He’s had it for fifteen years. “I never want you to give up, man”. “I’d be lost”.

“Ok, ok…but what if I go on a date with a really cute guy, like Todd. How do you think Todd would react if he found out?” I know how Todd would react. He would hear the words, and then start thinking about an escape.

“Todd’s a complete jackass man. If he reacts negatively then he’s not the right guy for you”. He has this opportunity now to do something unconventional. This disease will ground him severely and I think at the age of 26 he will finally become an adult. It’s sad to see it, but this is his path in life.

It’s still around guys. And I can name about ten other people I know, who are all close to me, who I have dated or befriended, who also have the virus. I don’t want to see anyone else suffer. I don’t want to see gay males fall into the trap of self-destructive behavior. We are a minority, and yes we ARE NOT accepted, but that doesn’t mean you can’t travel this word seeking self-love and acceptance. It’s out there. I have it.

“Its’ ok man. I love you. And I want you to know that you have me for life now. I will forever be loyal to you,” I’m fighting back the tears. No, why bother, I’m fucking crying and I don’t give a shit. It’s one more person I have to worry about now. I’m going to see a lot of friends die in the upcoming decade. And every time a death occurs it will take another piece of my soul with them; I’m afraid it will get to the point where I will no longer be affected, and when I react that day, I will be scared out of my wits.

It’s a wake up call. It’s something that has plagued me again and again in my own life. Getting calls from disease control because someone I had a relationship with is now positive, or dating someone who is positive and then having myself go completely wacko because or it…or…what does it matter. All I know is, I am twenty eight years old and I will do everything in my power to stay healthy.

I’m not an angry guy but when I see the hurt, pain, suffering, whatever…when I see the lives of my brothers fade, I want to scream at God. I want to ask whatever force create this elegant universe, WHY? Why do you want us to suffer?

Without suffering we are nothing.

New Years is approching

I’m sitting on one of the Vancouver Island Ferries today waiting to take off. I’m headed to Vancouver to see Hunter. I know it’s been a while since I have written, what can I say? I blame the Christmas season among other things but assure you I will be back at it on a regular basis as soon as possible.

I’m not sure where next year will take me. I’m not sure if I’ll be in the same position, or a different position at the same company, or if I will be doing something completely different. I hear change calling miles away, and more and more, it’s beginning to tug at my soul. I am not one to just stay stagnant…

I have a feeling this weekend could change my life. I could be in love by the time I get back, or I could be disappointed that Hunter wasn’t everything I thought he would be. Only time will tell where this path in life will take me and when it all ends. I guarantee though, this will be one of the last times I will open myself to the possibility of being with someone for some time.

I’m looking around the ferry, noticing who’s who. I’m watching the dynamics of loud children, watching the hot guy in line to get a bus ticket - I want to offer him a ride - and finally the destitute hordes of people who will never be as fortunate. I didn’t realize how many ugly people there were out there until I arrived on this ferry today. It’s good for the soul and the male ego. In Victoria you are surrounded by so many beautiful people that it messes with what is real and what is normal in this world.

I’m glad to be away from it all. I’m glad to once again leave – although this is my third time off the island this month alone. I’m not that isolated; I keep wanting more. I keep wanting to find something amazing and meaningful in this life. I don’t know if I will ever find it but I assure you that I will never stop looking. To do so would only be admitting defeat.

I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution this year. Wait, come to think of it, I do have one: to no longer fear change and the unknown; or all that is associated with it. I will be brave once again and I will draw strength from the person who escaped the shackles of conformity and judgment. I wonder if I am still the same person who moved 7,500 Kilometers away to find himself, desperately in need of something purposeful. I am still that person but I think corporate Canada has given me a beating.
I
I’m deep today, don’t mind me, it comes in phases. I guess it’s the anticipation of meeting a possible long term relationship. Or the knowing that a New Year is approaching and I am perhaps in a rut? I’m not sure. The only thing I do know is that I will end this year with a bang.

I always wonder how easy it is to tell a straight guy from a gay guy. I mean some are blaringly obvious and others mend in so well that they are like one of them – the breeders, that is. I tend to think I blend in, then again, who knows how I am perceived by others. I eat politely, dress in style, and take care of myself, then again, so does the majority of people in my age in Victoria. I wonder though…Small things like shoes, the choice of jacket, and mannerisms are sometimes deal giveaways as to how straight a person is. I tend to think that I have a strong sense of who is who and silently hope that the men I am infatuated with are in fact gay. They aren’t. I chase the pipe dream of having something normal and I know full well it would be like finding a needle in a haystack.

I think we are up to speed, yes no? I always wondering how much is too much? Am I too open? Do I think too much? Or am I normal and I am behaving the way the majority of people who think behave. I hope for the latter; I hope that the majority of people out there actually have something to contribute. As I am surrounded by loud children, the dulled out voices of nearby passenger, the turning of pages, and the onslaught of handsome men roaming about, I want freedom.

There is this guy sitting across from me on the ferry. I’d like to suck him off. He’s sitting right across from me. Dark featured, nice height and frame although I can’t stand the way he talks and his look is a bit unusual. Still, I think if I could forget what I have heard so far I could anonymously take him in the washroom and have my way with him. It look like he has a big package. When I say big, I think it would be more then enough, more then a handful. I want it so bad. He’s leaning back now and I want to keep staring at him.

He’s with these old fucks. They are both conservative and they have good posture. I would guess they are both approaching their 60’s. God, to think that they have made it through all these years together. I am amazed, and hopeful, that the rest of society could use these absurdly boring people as an example that things could work out – although I can’t imagine who would want that kind of life. Ah, if they only knew what I was writing; if they knew how disturbing my mind is I doubt they would be sitting next to me. I doubt that they’d even want to share the same ferry with me. I mean, I would be horribly uncomfortable if I were the guy sitting across from me. I practically raped his crotch with my eyes. I’m glad he didn’t stand up, it would be open season then.

Oh God, they are talking about cruises now. How stereotypical of someone their age. Why not talk about their recent travels to China or India? No, it had to be a cruise and because of that last statement I will judge them for the rest of the trip. God that old man is so opinionated. He is spewing trash out of his mouth and I’m biting my tongue not to jump on him. I hate people who generalize.

And come to think of it, the guy I liked five minutes ago, well, he has a funny shaped body and bad teeth. He’s kind of fat also. Not that I’m superficial or anything, I could be open to getting to know him…if I were drunk enough.

To all my fellow readers, have a great New Years. Think about the year ahead, but not too much, ignore the polar ice caps melting – did you see the News today? A large chuck on the northern ice cap broke away today. Depressing. I wonder what the next fifty years hold. Will we be no better off? Will genetic testing take over and disease rum rampart? I see so many new things occurring, and I also see the world turning a blind eye to it all. I pray that green energy takes over and we start thinking about the future of the world. We are no better off when we were apes. It’s still dangerous and unknown to us all. Have a great year and wish me luck on my journey this weekend.

Hunter

I met a guy (surprise). I think this time he’s a keeper.

His name is Hunter, and after arriving back from Calgary, I take a trip over to Vancouver with my friend Paul. We head out Friday night and I am out on the dance floor minding my own business when I see this guy… He is different, he’s dancing rather EMO, and we stick to each other the whole night without exchanging so much as a glance. I am terribly shy and so is this dude.

“But now it’s come to distances, and both of us must try…your eyes are soft with sorrow, hey that’s no way to say goodbye.”

We say hi to each other late into the night, which leads to us finding a quite place to talk. I quite enjoy him because he’s very nervous and shy. To me, it seems as if he’s very grounded and down to earth. I know my fascination with shy people – my fetish, one might say – is in full effect. The more and more we share this awkwardness the more I want to be with him.

The night at the club we both go our own separate ways. I am with my friends and am showing them around Vancouver. It would look bad if I left them for another guy. So I say goodbye and plan to meet the next night.

Night two: we meet and I must say after seeing him for the second time, I like him even more. After a few drinks, some leg rubbing and a polite kiss we part ways once again…this time with a brief kiss but nothing to sexual and plan to connect again at the end of the night. I know that he doesn’t think I will actually live up to my promise, but I do….and four in the morning we head back to his place to hang out.

His place is very interesting. Before entering he pulls a Charlie and tells me that it isn’t as clean as it should be – it’s something I would say and I smile. As I enter, everything is clean and put away and as I look around I see so many creative ideas. He has some old televisions stacked on top of one another, and the icing on the cake, a manikin that has been dressed up – half the body at least, and it’s standing, commanding, over the highest television.

The guy is so shy he won’t even look me in the eye. It takes him a right to make eye contact with me and to smile – to laugh – I am overjoyed and so turned on. I love it. I’m drawn to shy people and I find him to be interesting, I want to explore him, I want to be with him, the connection is undeniable and we spend as much time together as possible.

His style is very Hunter, he is unique and beautiful. The next morning, around twelve I guess, my friend phones me and wants to leave Vancouver. I had to peel myself away from Hunter, literally, and I was sad to leave. I wanted to do nothing more then stay in bed with him and find out more and more. I wanted to keep connecting and to keep feeling more and more intense feelings towards him. We both agreed its a good thing we live apart from one another or it may move too fast. I don’t want to rush anything and at the same time I want nothing more then to be with him – only him.

I’m spending New Years with Hunter. He wants me to meet his friends and I want to make sure if he is the one or not. I think he is…I know these things. I knew the first time and I know now. Much like I knew that the umpteenth time quitting smoking was the final time, or how I knew it was over between my ex and I, or how I knew so many other things; I know it and you’ll see it all unfold.

Xmas Party!

"I came by myself to a very crowded place; I was looking for someone who had lines in her face”

I sang Leonard Cohen’s Lady Midnight at my roommates Christmas party the other night. I had a few drinks, and the crowd was pretty much cleared up, the karaoke monitor was out of operation, and I decide to get up and do a number from memory. I’m normally a nervous person; it took me half the night to work up the courage to do it, but as I looked around, belting the tunes, people actually enjoyed it.

One of the managers, who reminded me of one of the Judd’s, ran up to me while I was singing and planted a kiss on my forehead. She tells me I sound just like him and that I was amazing. My confidence is boosted. I start dreaming about my future life as a musician. Looking around at the tables of people, I see them all focused on me. There is no more chatter, everyone is deeply immersed in my singing – and they are actually enjoying it. I had no idea…

“Whatever you give me, I seem to need so much more”.

After the song finishes, I head back to the table of friends, including a bi guy who has been flirting heavily with me all night. He tells me he’s jealous and I blush nervously, and I am complimented by my friends also. All eyes are on me and I’m relishing on my job well done. At this time, the manager who complimented me earlier, approaches me and asks who I was singing…I guess, I didn’t sound that much like him after all.

The bi guy is strange. He arrives with a gay pastry chief, and I only assume that he is an escort. I find out they are friends, as we sit side by side, feasting on rare lamb and Fillet Mignon. The night is amazing. His arm is around me; we are joking, looking into each others eyes, holding our gazes. I’m getting more and more excited about the after party.

All eyes are on us. I guess, we are the two best looking guys are the party. Some of the women are looking us both over – and the gay pastry chief is becoming more and more friendly. He reeks of perfume and I am getting more and more annoyed as he rubs my head and hugs me repeatedly.

The bi guy is sitting one chair away from me and I am starting to get turned on. I keep gazing into his eyes as he keeps talking into my ear, and I can feel his whiskers on me, his breath is on my neck. And, after a few jokes, I find my hand occasionally touching his leg and knee. He doesn’t mind at all.

"Don't try to use me or slyly refuse me, just win me or lose me, it is this that the darkness is for."

It turns out the bi guys enjoys my good friend Camilla also. After a failed attempted to show him where the washroom is, he jumps on a chance to talk to her. I see it all falling apart. I see how the two interact; I see how Camilla and I are in direct competition and I want no part of it. As I approach her, she merely comments “You can’t have it all” and I eagerly give up – I mean, I may see him again – but alcohol, bi men, and friendships do not mix well together.

“So I walk through the morning, sweet early morning, I could hear my lady calling, you’ve won me, and you’ve won me, my lord.

Camilla views me as a fiercely motivated individual. She has mentioned I can be intimidating because a) I am so focused; b) I am talented; and c) I have accomplished a lot in my lifetime. By no means are these my words, but I see how she could perceive me that way. I will not compete against her.

I remember one of the first times we hung out together. We head to the YMCA to work out. Camilla knows how focused I am when I work out so I challenge her to do some circuit training with me. Forty minutes later – and I am shocked – she is still going. I know right then and there, she isn’t going to give up until I do. So we are competing. And, I am drawing from her energy and her determination to prove to me that she can win, that she has enough motivation to pull me down from this pedestal that she has put me on. I beat her that night, so I guess it’s only fair she proves to me tonight that I don’t always win.

The night was amazing. The food was superb and I like the fact I showed up in a really tired and worn out mood, and, at the end of the night had befriended and entertained half the staff. I have a feeling some of them thought of me as upper management. I was assumed to be one of the invisible operaters of the organization. The fact that I was rubbing elbows with the managers didn't help either.

At the end of the night and after having a few drinks we stagger home. My roommate Paul asks me how my night was and I can only reply “I smell like a gay pastry chief”.

Title and Registration

High up, originally uploaded by copeseticnature.

The glove compartment isn't accurately named
And everybody knows it.
So i'm proposing a swift orderly change.

Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night.

Cat Power

Victoria Cinema, originally uploaded by copeseticnature.

When I’m drivin’ in my car,
And the man come on the radio,
He’s tellin’ me more and more,
About some useless information,
Tryin’ mess with my imagination.

When I’m watchin’ my TV,
When a man comes on to tell me,
How white my shirt’s can be,
But, he can’t be a man cause he doesn’t smoke
The same cigarettes as me

When I’m riding around the globe,
And I’m doin’ this and I’m signin’ that
And I’m trying to make some boy
Baby, baby, baby come back
‘Cause you see, I’m on a losing streak
When I’m ridin’ around the glove
And I’m doin’ this and I’m signin’ that
And I’m tryin’
And I’m tryin’

It's just a rant, don't worry...

And this is my world, your world, the world now, tomorrow, and forever, until it’s no longer bearable. I am asleep most days, even if I am awake, I am in a different state of mind. My mind is hazy, out of focus and can only be awoken when something visually pungent comes my way.

I am a born soldier with a work ethic built on the blood, loss, and natural selection of my East Coast ancestors. They were the pioneers, dropped off on the shores of Newfoundland to die, malnourished, cold, without food or shelter, to be the work horses, slaves, of England. My blood is fueled by their loss, by their strength, and I am nothing less than what they are. I am strong because of it and their voices echo in my veins. They were the ones who I look to proudly to, and I thank everyday with the zeal that most have lost in their own family trees. I am not blind to what was sacrificed for me.

I am stark raving mad. I laugh in the face of stupidity. I carry my ego wisely, and never! will I let people know how much I think, for then, I will never be able to taken them for the fools they are. You want redemption, it’s too late. All hope is loss and you are spiraling towards an even greater problem: repentance, for you will need it soon. Don’t look to me guidance, for I am, and will be, the greatest hypocrite that has ever lived. I will go down in history in a state of utter contradiction.

Now, stuck in this mindless world, struggle with new technologies, more absurd and artificially created foods, polluted oceans and atmosphere; I am but a struggling pioneer once again. Where are the days of old? Where is the age of innocence? We are but a species that is more lost then ever, never mind the dark ages of Europe, the collapse of the Roman Empire, never mind the forging of mankind, it’s the here and now that is most volatile. We say it’s an easy time to live, but I don’t see it that way.

In this volatility I do nothing but watch the hoards. Those parasites who are stomping though their lives and missing the larger points. The consumers will always be consuming, and without any foresight, they will die with a mass of nothingness. They will die and pass it on to the next poor victim who will consider it a blessing.

Lets rape the land together. Lets form clubs where we can go out to the ocean fronts to dump our chemicals and finish of the ritual with a large bowel movement. It’s better to see it directly rather then mask the problem. I will be first to help out. To show the masses their foulness. I want to salt the earths and cut down random trees, burn them, still alive and dripping with sap. Why not? They will only be plundered anyway. Why do we use so much paper? Why do we live in a word that wastes?

Lets feast on tainted meat, chickens caged by the dozens who know nothing but disease. Shall we eat fish filled with mercury, regardless of the health warnings? I wonder how many birth deflects will come forward this century. I want to see it all. I want to see you affected, beg for your sins my friends, for you are to blame.

As the population grows so does our need for even more sea life, more farms, greater numbers of organisms that produce meats. I wonder how the next fifty years will treat our food reserves. Already East Indian and China are over a billions worth, who is next? Will we keep growing? Right now the only sure fire way of minimizing population is wide scale war, or start dropping the nukes. I know, in our resource rich Country, they will move out of need soon, morals will not come into play, it’s going to be a free for all when life is challenged.

-----------------------------------

I am a free thinking mammal with nothing to contemplate. I am a smoker who smokes too much. A lover who is loveless. I am immortal and will die. I am your worst nightmare and best friend. I am…just a man, disgruntled, scared, depressed, anxious, happy, fearful, and I don’t trust you, I don’t trust the government and I want out.

I think Sweden would be nice. Maybe I could learn the language, ski all day long, eat their horrible foods and hope not to get paddled. I don’t want to be the neighbor to the most horrendous state ever created. I could even dye whatever is left of my hair a blond color to fit it. I don’t want to be regarded as a foreigner…that guy from Canada. I am Swedish now, treat me as your brethren. I love meatballs and Ikea, although I haven’t shopped there; I think Ikea is getting worse as the years go by, but at least they take their raw products and form industries rather then ship all of their raw materials out of country, to do what? Lose even more of our economy. Gain fair, handshakes?

So if I resist, will I be noticed? Will it be meaningless, maybe taken on film by some Japanese tourist? Will it be on the papers controlled by the liberal governments? Will I be forgotten like everything else?

I want to start a protest, I don’t even care what it’s about, I just want one, and it should be memorable, historical, significant, with children, parents, gays, blacks, Chinese, I want all cultures, all sub-cultures, even animals, and I want it to strip us of all needs and wants. I want a unified struggle to change something…anything. I want to breath again. I’m not breathing - I’m dying here. It’s boring and I hate you all.

Zee crazy Germans

My neighbor is a crazy ass, German bitch. I’m thinking about where to began, or how to even word this, so please, bear with me.

I think it all started the week I moved in. I parked my U-haul out in front of both of our houses and she comes running out. “You can’t park there, it’s my spot!” Which is fine, I turn to her and ask her if I should move. I explain that the truck will only be parked for about twenty minutes and I’ll be out of your way. She tells me its ok, only because she likes my roommate Paul. “Paul’s a good boy”.

The next incident is a little more off the wall. A few of the pickets on her white fence are old and deteriorated. I head home one day to find her picking at them, staring, musing over it. When she sees me she points out that my landlord has destroyed her fence.

“He did it, I know he did”, speaking to me as if I even cared. “He doesn’t want to mess with me; I’ll phone the city counsel and take him down”.

“Yeah, you do that”, I respond and walk by, as she is still talking to me. It was a long day and I’m starting to see what type of person she is.

Before Ryan – also known as dirty, straight dude - moved out, he was changing in one of the bedrooms. The blinds were taken down because of the move, and half of the window is frosted glass. I awake about eight thirty in the morning to overhear the conversation.

“I can see it”, in a high pitched, German accent. "I can see you naked".

“Oh, Hi Mary,” Ryan replies. He just got out of the shower and was removing his towel only to find Mary staring right at him. The conversation pursues but I am now thinking forward in time to the next night. It’s eleven or twelve at night, my curtain isn’t put up yet, and Mary is flicking lights on and off, waving to me, through her window. I am shirtless and couldn’t give two fucks.

“Paul, this bitch is crazy”, I tell him over dinner one night. “She is spying on me through her windows late at night”. Its absolute insane and he acknowledges this.

Yesterday, the icing on the cake, there is a great deal of rain in Victoria. Our backyard is starting to collect a lot of water and the landlord comes in with a sub-pump. While I’m at work Paul logs in to tell me that Mary is going crazy. She is yelling at our landlord Cam and is causing a lot of trouble. This is about nine in the morning…

I arrive home at five to find Mary still yelling. She is screaming at cam, her shrill voice is yelling “I don’t care, get off my property!” Cam himself is defending himself and telling her that it’s not her property; he is on his own piece of land.

I head into the house only to hear her screaming, with broom in hand, for another twenty minutes until the pump is shut off. “Get off my land!” “Get off my property!” “This is not your land, get off”.

“You’re nuts Mary,” Cam replies. “You need help,” as he fends off her attacks. He’s a part of the city working core, he’s here to stop the flooding. He is a kind, sexy, football player looking kind of dude.

“I’m not nuts, you’re nuts. You get off my land”, Mary screams. Her voice is echoing the neighborhood, and at this point in time, I want to gas her and bury her in my backyard.

Cam knocks on my door to apologize. He explains that he has to phone the police because a) Mary took a swing at him and made contact and b) she pushed his father, who is in his sixties.

The whole time I am shocked and can still here Mary in the background. Mary makes me realize that this isn't the East Coast anymore. Crazy East Coast ladies would take up all your time in conversation and follow you around the yard; I'm thinking so much for neighborly love.

The funny thing is, water is running into her property also, but she doesn’t care. Cam tells me she blames the house for the death of her husband; the house is blamed for everything that had done her wrong in her life. She wants to burn it to the ground, my friend Paul tells me. I’m thinking I need insurance.

This morning I hear Mary talking to my downstairs neighbor. “You should apologize for what you put me through”, in her now insane, annoying, calculated, and dreadful German accent.

“Mary, I live here too,” she relies. She actually sounds human today, sporting a spine and the courage of her convictions.

“I live here!, Mary replies sharply. “I live here too…”

I believe in you Lord!

It has been raining for about a week straight now. The sky is clean and full of clouds, vehicles drive by more slowly with all the summers dirt drained off. I’m getting that claustrophobic feeling again. It’s as if my body has a great deal of gravity and pressure being exerted on it. Maybe I’m overtly sensitive? This feeling comes and goes and for the next four months will be a struggle for myself. I have to be domestic again.

I just found out there is a Church of Scientology next to where I live. The building is sporting a Roman-Greco architecture – it screams of pretension – and I want to infiltrate it. I always hear about this group and am curious how different their religion is in comparison to others. Maybe I should try to track down a service, show up unannounced and see what the reaction would be.

Worst case scenario, they think I’m the prophet reborn and they start to worship me with zest. Or best case scenario, upon sneaking in, I discover they are not really human’s but instead aliens who shed off their skins when the doors of the ‘scientologium’ are closed. I still haven’t figured out how a science fiction writer such as L. Ron Hubbard could be a founder of a religious movement.

I have been rifling though all my previous religious crazes. First, my United Church, glory bestowed upon me, it was my first taste of something holy and pure. I only attended this church for funerals, weddings, and school trips, minus a brief stint in Sunday school, I do feel as if I evolved greatly as a religious being. It was a church that bestowed a great deal of pride in me when I would mention my denomination to friends.

Secondly, think about this statement: JW galore. Yes, it’s true. I have a connection to the Jehovah’s Witnesses. My mothers side, at least half of her sisters and one brother are ‘Jehovees’, and they have just recently got my grandparents. Whenever we visited our aunt Charity in Gander she would always bribe our family to make us attend a meeting with her. Now, first we would be scrutinized on our clothing, our hairstyles, even our general cleanliness, and after a promise of treats and/or pizza we were off.

Now I have met some crazy fucks in my day but this church was quite the social experiment. I’ve never seen so many wide eyed yet vacant people in my whole life. My aunt would parade me around and keep my sister and family in the background. My selling feature was the fact that I was young and very knowledgeable about the bible. One might say I was even interested in it.

My religious knowledge went a long way in the community and when question time came about, I would put up my hand, grab the mike, and answer questions, only to hear a hall of applause afterward. I was hooked! I wanted the fame. I wanted people to approach me after a meeting and ask about me, her smart, young nephew. What can I say I was a whore for attention.

After leaving Newfoundland and heading to BC, I decided I am a man of great spirituality. I don’t need a specific religion to become closer to God. So I formed my own religion and had my own views about the world around me. I would define spirituality as taking a bike ride along the ocean and clearing my mind, or swimming laps, or…going for a hike up Mount Finlayson. To me, spirituality was being one with nature, keeping my body strong, and active. There was one thing missing though...

I was traveling on the ferry back from Vancouver; I think I was coming down from a harsh weekend of … well, let’s not go there. As much as I wanted to sleep, all I could hear was the sounds of laugher. One seat up from me were the happiest people I have ever seen in my life. It almost seemed unreal in a way. Four smiling and well-adjusted, young adults were entertaining themselves for an hour now. I had to investigate.

As groggy as I was, I asked “Excuse me, I can’t help but notice how happy you all are, not that it’s abnormal, but …. why are you so happy?”

“Well,” the younger guy, with blond hair and perfect teeth turns to me, still smiling, still radiant, “it’s simple, we’re Mormon’s”, and once again they surprise me with an uproar of happiness. I must say, I love Mormons. I met another group of them – notice they travel in groups – on a bus to Vancouver once. After my first experience, identifying the next group was easy. All I had to do was ask “Are you all Mormon?”

So my next stab at something more concrete as a religion was the Mormon faith. They gave me a bible on that bus trip and wished me the best. I was interested. I kept the bible close, looked at its thickness, watched a South Park episode on it, and realized it wasn’t for me. I mean, yeah, I could have made the effort of at least reading one page, but really, I know they won’t accept me. I’m not as…innocent as they are. I have had a much more enriched life, and I’m not sure if I could life by their rule set.

Religion is a great thing. It’s great to have some sort of omnipotent force supporting your everyday life. It’s cool to ask this unforeseen force for guidance, to use this spiritual being as a vessel to judge and blame others. It’s great…but I think I have a busy enough schedule.

Moving...

I have officially moved into my new place with my friend Paul. We are in a two bedroom character home on the main floor. I love it and I get along with Paul quite well.

There are a couple of issues right now though: one being the existing roommate. He hasn't left yet! We have two sets of furniture in the house right now and everyday when I get home a little bit more has been packed away and moved; I am slowly reclaiming the space as my own.

The second issue is our roommate’s adulterated concern for others. When I arrived home yesterday my expensive bike, which I cherish, and a large plant was moved out on to the outside deck. I was enraged and I decided to redirect all of the rage out on cleaning.

I emptied the dishwasher and proceeded to fill it again with all of Ryan's plates and glasses that he left on the countertop. He is one of those people that just leaves things around. I spent the day before cleaning up the kitchen and when I arrived yesterday it was back to the original state of disarray. This guy will never get married.

On to the bathroom...it was a mess. I don't think they ever gave the tub a good scrub or the toilet for that matter. I spend a good hour cleaning the base boards, the tub, the sink, toilet, windows and ledges; when I poured out the bucket of water it was completely black. I have never lived this way...and now that it's OUR place, I am going to set some rules up for Ryan until he moves out on Saturday.

He managed to walk all over Paul and destroy him with his uncleanliness; I will not left him do the same thing to me. Two days of living with Ryan and I already want to kill him. I had no idea how disrespectful and messy one person can be.

This morning when I woke, I came out to the kitchen, which was pristine the night before, only to find plates, an open package of sandwich meat, a knife in the sink...etc. I picked up the plastic meat package intended for the garbage and placed it next to his bedroom door. I hope he steps on it when he gets up. I have little to no patience for laziness. He is my guest now. He is now a renter.

I also took the liberty of picking up all of the things he has left around. Irons, clothing, laundry baskets and threw them on his bed and shut the door.

Paul is concerned he will get mad. To be honest, I really couldn't care less, he should be ashamed and apologetic. A healthy home is positively correlated to a healthy mind. I cannot portray myself any differently and need good Chi in my life. Ryan drained Paul and destroyed him by being the messiest person I have ever met.

My life....haha, I don't think it will ever get dull.

Life in a nutshell

I have a lot of news to fill everyone in on.

Firstly, I want to address the workmate situation. As it stands, we have let him go. He came into the office - after my boss popped by to ask him if he had a minute - and came back a few minutes later. Visually, I could see he was distressed and probed, “Is everything alright?”

“Well”, he responded, “he pretty much let me go”. It looked as if he was going to cry and his head sunk down. I had a mix of emotions. I do realize that when I get into situations that make me uncomfortable I sometimes break out into a smile or giggle to myself. After hearing him, I got up and walked out of the office for a half an hour.

He couldn’t understand why he was being let go. He said he thought he was doing a good job and didn’t see it coming. He complained about not getting feedback, etc. I heard him express these things and became a little upset. I shut the office door and talked to him for two hours. I think at the end of his conversation he was like “Oh, I really did fuck up, you’re right”.

He applied for a new position at the company. It’s in the other building and it’s a lesser role. Guess who created this role? Guess who oversees its operations? It’s me. He told me and my jaw nearly dropped. It’s ok though, I don’t mind, but once again I will have to train him on a process that is less complicated but still….I am happy he isn’t left out in the cold.

The second big thing is the move. I have moved about seven blocks down the road. I’m moving in with a buddy. His straight roommate Ryan isn’t leaving until Saturday though and we have two sets of furniture stuffed into a character home. It’s a bit unnerving but I have learnt to be tolerant and let go. They are both great people and I’m happy to be in that space regardless of how disorganized it is.

I like having fun with Ryan. He’s a really attractive guy and I throw out comments like “Ryan, I have one rule…after ten nobody wears pants in my household”. He takes it with a grain of salt and tells me to fuck off. I love our relationship.

In about a week everything should be settled away. I will have a new phone and my things will be sorted. I’m not too concerned right now.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I met my father in Vancouver. It was fine. We had a few nice dinners, one small argument, and he is totally cool with me being gay. In fact, nothing has changed at all; I can’t pick up any apprehension or tension. One night at a restaurant I pointed out a cute waiter and he had a conversation about it. My dad thought he was too feminine. I agreed but pointed out I’d do him just for the body and the look. He doesn’t have to talk.

Sorry to summarize this so much. I’ve been too busy to devote a lot of time to blog lately. Hopefully in a week or two I can return to this and elaborate a bit more about all these epic events.

No kind of life

You rely on someone else to make you feel alright.
As far as I'm concerned, it's no no kind of life.

The Fall

It's here.

I'm heading to Vancouver on Saturday to visit my father who I haven't seen in over three years. He has conferences all day long and I will be living it up at the Mariott (one of the nicest hotels in Vancouver). I plan on heading to the spa, ordering room service, lounging in the pool, hiking the grouse grind, biking around the city, and doing some hardcore shopping on Robson Street.

I have a feeling nothing really happens in Vancouver during the day. I will have to try to set up a few dates for the early morning when dad is away at work, lol.

One more thing, I'm on Zyban to quit smoking. It's been ten days on the medications and each morning I awake extremely early with a jumble of horrific images in my head. The drug itself changes your serotonin levels which regulate both sleep and mood.

Low levels of serotonin have been associated with depression, migraine, bipolar disorder and anxiety. Now, I am not a depressed person, nor do I ever get depressed; this drug makes me sink once in a while for brief periods. I know I shouldn't be playing with my mental state but I really want to stop smoking. I will handle the visions, the mood distriburances, and hopefully I will no longer smoke in a months time.

I'm really optmistic about ending this habit this time around. I have no need for it anymore. Wish me luck!

People...

There are so many of us. One city can house millions of people in various stages of life, with different tastes, jobs, lives, and we have one thing in common, we are all human.

My friend Scott passed away last weekend. He was in his 40's, HIV positive, in excellent shape (he was a gym rat), and was quiet and shy. He would hit on me when I went to the gym but he was too shy to say hi to me. I would gingerly walk by, nod, acknowledge his smiles and hope I didn’t come across as interested. Scott didn't even know I was gay until he saw me at a party with mutual acquaintances.

Scott had a heart attack. Its ok, I knew him but I didn't know him that well. It got me thinking though how many people would miss Scott. Did Scott have a group of friends and family in his life? I have no idea really. I always took him to be a loner. He seemed to always be in his own quiet, little world; this was my impression of Scott.

Will he be missed? I mean one life out of billions that blinks out of existence; in the great scheme of things it doesn't really matter. I knew Scott, Scott's dead; life goes on...It sounds shallow I know. But I look at the vast number of people in this world and I finally realize none of us really matter. That’s not entirely true, we affect the people around us, and hopefully we live really awesome lives but unless we hold a position of power or social influence our life is meaningless to 99 percent of the world’s population. We are but a speck.

Maybe I’m taking the pragmatic approach to it all. I won’t wrap it up in romanticism nor will I give it a more positive disposition, and I want to stress this, you’re life is meaningless. If you are reading this instead of helping third world countries in Africa, or at least thinking about helping them, then I feel sorry for you. If you are reading this instead of trying to climb the ladder of your countries political system, or develop a cure for cancer, or work in the field of AIDS research, or anything worthwhile for that matter…I don’t want to meet you.

In fact, if you sit around all day long and complain about life and expect everything to be handed to you, then you will never be worthy of a life. If you give up easily, or complain about mundane things, such as your steak being medium instead of medium rare, then I am sickened to my stomach in your presence. If you are on welfare, you suck. If you are too stunned to get an education, so be it. If you wake up every morning and rush for your remote control instead of to your window to see how the day is…you should think about what is more important.

Ground yourself friends, be humble, give thanks and thank, you only have one go of it and you may just drop dead of a heart attack, get hit by a bus, or have an aneurysm that could pop at anytime. What are we fucking doing? Sky dive, base dive, fuck strangers, eat unhealthy foods, and have more than one glass of wine a night; take a few vacations even if it breaks you financially. Don’t hoard your money, don’t gossip about your friends, and for fuck sakes smarten up and start looking around…look at things, don’t just walk by thinking about how you need to lose weight, or how you want a condo real bad in the downtown area; just fucking think about life, not the material things.

Please, don’t take it for granted. Don’t be a shy person who is afraid to take risks. Don’t let disease defeat you and always try to look for the good in every situation. Don’t be what I thought Scott was…alone. And the great Plato will tell you “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle”. Fitting isn’t it? In other words, the world has enough assholes, let’s try as hard as we can to rid ourselves of ego, selfishness, and the shallowness we all encounter from the people around us. It’s a hard fight.

I rant when people die. It’s my nature.

My Workmate

I came into work this morining only to see my IM opened with a message from the young guy I'm mentoring. As it turns out, he was trashing me and sent the message to the wrong person. HAHA. Check it out:

Geoff [5:02 PM]:
try being on charlies (5 questions a day) rule

Geoff [5:02 PM]:
that's so annoying

Geoff [5:02 PM]:
im learning a bit more finding the answers myself, but it takes ALOT longer

Geoff [5:03 PM]:
which is one of the reasons i'm helpin ya

Geoff [5:03 PM]:
hahah

Geoff [5:04 PM]:
lol

This is hilarious. The minute I read it I question him about it. "Ummm, Geoff, I opened my IM today and noticed you had a few things to say about me", and I must say this is the funniest thing that has happened to me in a while. He turns red and suddenly starts covering his own tracks.

"Yeah, I meant to send that to you...", still red and obviously telling me the biggest lie ever.

"Interesting, I don't think so, it seems to be addressed to someone else. This is why it's important to be meticulous Geoff...", and I go off on a rant. Here I go again trying to father him.

"Don't worry Geoff, I'm not pissed off, it's actually quite funny", but as it sinks in, I realized that a) he has lied to my face about this, and b) he was hoping I would be dumb enough to fall for it.

As I'm writing this he's scrambling at his desk to try to find the location of a meeting that he just missed. God, he's not that bright.

I'm glad it's Friday.

Lady with Baby

This song is about two closeted, young gay guys getting it on:

god bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
remembering when you were mine
in a still suburban town

when every thursday i'd brave those mountain passes
and you'd skip your early classes
and we'd learn how our bodies worked

god damn the black night with all its foul temptations
i've become what i always hated
when i was with you then

we looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
fumbling to make contact
as the others slept inside

and together there
in a shroud of frost, the mountain air
began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
and i held you closer than anyone would ever get

do you remember the JAMC?
and reading aloud from magazines
i don't know about you but i swear on my name they could smell it on me
i've never been too good with secrets
no…

and together there
in a shroud of frost and mountain air
began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
and i held you closer…

Messy People

As you may have read in previous entries, I have a new study project. It's my workmate, and I am completely entranced with his lifestyle. Right now as I type he is drinking pop from a mug, while finishing off his deep fried chips (with hot sauce) and a two patty burger; he licks his fingers as eat bite goes down.

I don't mean to be critical...When I asked where we are going for lunch today he suggested "Wings!" and we left it to a vote. The wing idea was thrown away but we ended up heading across the street. I mentioned I wanted something healthy and decided to have a wrap with chicken, beans, and brown rice; my other co-worker followed me, and this dude decides to order a burger.

"You eat like a 12 year old girl", he tells me. I roll my eyes thinking about my eating habits.

"No, I usually eat three times a day. The difference between you and I are our choices in foods".

All my friends think I eat a lot. I mean, I'm constantly having fruits, some sort of healthy stir-fry, or some reasonably planned meal with healthy foods. Just because I'm not eating MacDonald’s or greasy burgers doesn't mean I'm starving myself.

People are turds. Well, some people are turds.

"I want to start collecting all the take-out menus for restaurants in this area. I mean, that way we can all get together and pre-order so we don't have to wait", he tells us after obviously thinking heavily about this.

"That's great, man. Fucking wonderful". We are very different people. Once again, this is someone who is a lot different that the majority of people at my workplace. Maybe it’s youth, maybe it’s upbringing, personally, I have no idea what it is, all I know is I find it really entertaining.

I miss you Jesus

I found a guy who thinks really deep thoughts, what’s so great about really deep thoughts?

I haven’t seen my family for over three years now. The last time I saw them we vacationed together in Fort Lauderdale, which is the vacation spot of their choice. The last time I saw my parents I was still in the closet but just beginning to reclaim my sexual identity. I was on vacation and going through a major life change – I was gay and I was ready to tell them.

The last time I saw them I was twenty three and they still affected me. They could make me argue, anxious, and yeah, I wasn’t the bigger adult – I guess most of us aren’t when it comes to having a dysfunctional family.

Since then, I have came out them and I haven’t seen them since. When I meet my father in two weeks he will be meeting a different person. I am now not just his little boy, I’m a gay male who wants to be respected, and, I want him to be proud of me. I am a little nervous about the whole meeting but I don’t think anything has changed between us.

It will be interested to see if he treats me differently. Regardless, I’m excited, and it seems like a lot of great things are happening in my life. I have met some great guys who I will explore and hopefully something will come of it.

Churchy Church

Flooded

My workmate…enjoys food.

We hired him over a month ago and it’s been an adventure people watching this one. His desk usually as an assortment of plates that once contained food, two litre bottles of coke or coke products, a large bag of chips (probably still with the trans-fats in them), and an assortment of subway wrappers, forks, and crumbs.

I’m having a hard time mentoring him. I have had years of experience first being a product plant worker, then trainer; a tour guide turned trainer; and now, in my current position I automate processes, develop applications, and I train people on applications. I sometimes give presentations, and I think I communicate my ideals quite well; I am a configuration manager/software developer though, that is my title, the training is secondary.

I have found that if people know the lingo and take the opportunity to learn, they excel and we are able to discuss the complexities that exist in our business. And other times, I find other people have their head in the clouds. They are more concerned about getting a good deal on a two litre of pop or how big or small the deli sandwiches are at the grocery store. It’s all fine and well but I wish the same exuberance was expressed when dealing with work.

As you can tell, I’m having a difficult time right now. I have exhausted a lot of avenues trying to find common ground. I have tried to access whether or not my co-worker is visual by drawing diagrams and mapping out procedures; I have tried to communicate verbally our processes and expectations; and, I have tried to point him to various documentation and literature. Am I missing something?

I sometimes think people just aren’t driven or motivated to want to excel and learn. I can only hold someone’s hand for so long before I expect people to be able to learn on their own or take initiative. There are systems and procedures we have in place that I have had to explain multiple times, expecting him to remember or write it down properly, but I find myself having to go through the processes too many times. Someone that should have taken up double my time is now taking up much more.

The barrage of questions…oh my God. This morning alone, I think I was asked about ten questions in the period of an hour. Some of them obvious with the answer staring right at him…and what does he do…he asks me instead.

I’m venting, I know. I’m just frustrated. Not everyone gets it, I have to understand that, but still, my little brother could have figured it out by now. I have more confidence in a thirteen year old.

Where do I see him in six months when we review him? For one, he will have probably gained about twenty pounds, he will be still working on some of the projects I have given him, and he will be reviewed. It all depends on how he handles the next four and a half months. Right now I have my reservations and will keep them to myself.

His question asking may be attributed to a difference in schooling. I went to an institution where answers are not fed to you. You are given an assignment with very limited information and you have to make an effort to understand and learn. They don’t make it easy for students and at times it can be a constant struggle.

He went to a college that spoon fed answers and you can see it just by the questions I am asked on a day-to-day basis. I am to the point where I reply “Figure it out yourself” or “Don’t ask me simple questions like that without first trying to find the answer”. I feel bad about the way I am reacting but at the same time it’s “sink or swim”. There is only so much I can do and I have to make sure he starts learning on his own and is able to adapt/survive.

My vacation is coming up in a month or two and I don’t feel comfortable having him left as the main go to guy.