This weekend

Imagine this: a twenty minute hike through rainforest carrying our goods; there is a tent folded up on one arm, a back pack, blankets, and a cooler of food; this is followed by a small hike across the most magnificent landscape known to man; followed by a resting place found in the middle of nowhere, where time waits for no man.

I’m not a spiritual man most of the time. In fact, I hardly have time to think because my world moves so fast. If you strip all that away, leave me with nature and I can paint the most amazing stories.

I can take you back to that night. It is a night where we are camping on mystic beach surrounded by forest on one side and ocean on the other. There is no escaping what we have found. You can either move a few meters in one direction and meet waves, or a few meters opposite and start traversing the forest. There is no in between and we now realize that we are in a realm of our own.

I can see a few things occurring all at once, around me, that is. The tide is moving out, which is a good sign since the waves were nearing our post. The backdrop is full of tree-clad hills, rocks, and mist as far as the eye can see. A waterfall is about thirty meters down the beach, falling from a rugged and worn hillside. Everything is blue and amazing, and all I want to do is live on the shoreline for the rest of my life.

Yes, we lack visibility. Yes, we are alone minus a few like minded people, and yes, I am very happy. And I don’t even have to question that anymore. Happiness, that is. I know it when I curl up in my sleeping bag and listen to nature.

The neighbors are obviously on drugs. After borrowing an axe and making our campfire, we can hear the screams, roars of laughter, and the fire in the distance. “I’M SO FUCKING WASTED”, one girl yells. “WOOOOOTTTTT”.

I can see their massive flash light swerving in and out of reality. At one point it’s being turned off and on, and at other points, it’s not walking a straight lie, it’s veering from side to side while we see its target – the ocean – in the distance. I can see the three of them clearly now, they are huddled around a fire with a blanket stretched out. A male – who is the caretaker – and his two female companions.

I can tell you it was interesting. We paid a short visit to our neighbors a little later in the night. They were a bit too much at times but I laughed quite a bit. It progressed from meeting two boys, 13 and 15 buying pot for their parents, and then us lecturing them on good music.

“Sonic Youth, man. You have to look them up. No more of that Chemical Romance shit!” I yelled at them. Their eyes are fixated on the lot of us. I think they are amused and at the same time thinking they will never end up like us.

“Courtney Love is the devil,” screamed our new camping buddy. To be honest, she kind of resembles Courtney but we all know that she is a diehard Nirvana fan at heart. We play some trivia with them and take off.

I think the most gratifying part of the night though is when I’m laying in the tent and listening to the ocean. Sometimes you forget how powerful it really is. This massive body of water that can both create, destroy, increase, and diminish; it is an unstoppable force.

All I can hear are the large waves bringing a variety of different sensations, different noises, and finally when it hits the shore the sound of pebbles being eroded slowly. When it hits the shore we know that if it came just a few meters closer, it could drag us and everything else around us back into its body. I appreciate, and I can admit to being humbled by its majestic and long life.

The world is magic. The world and its beauty is everything I ever wanted and more. It reminds me that I am just a man, and that I am small when compared to everything we as humans take for granted and fail to understand. I can only ask permission to use it, and pray that it treats me well, for I have no control over it and it has my life in its balance.
How can I ever measure up to it?

The Trip Home

I’m heading home in three weeks to that place I wrote about previous to this. That small town that I carved out in some of my earlier blogs . I’m heading home and am anxious. I’m not sure if I can play the role of an adjusted family person. I mean, my family can’t, so why should I?

My sister is now living with her boyfriend Ryan, who initially was my friend, but when I left for University they started dating. They tried to hide it, although they were together most everyday. They would initiate hanging out. They played me for a fool. The one thing I hated more then anything about the situation is the fact that they actually thought they were smarter then me.

I’m not sure where they are living, or what they are renting for that matter. I have a four to five year old nephew that I have seen once; I have family that I haven’t seen in close to five years besides. I owe them at least closure. I am on a different current now, and to be lead back into the bowels of my creation, into the land that shaped me and formed me, it will be a struggle to say the least.

It’s a shame I haven’t spoken to my sister over the phone in such a long time. I couldn't even give you an estimate as to how long it’s been. But to blame myself is selfish; we have both contributed to this breakdown in communication. The last few times we did talk, it was about negative things, and I called her on it. I called for her to gain strength over the situation, but instead of it being accepted, I was attacked. And after I throw out the line, I can’t give much more, I can only retreat, hoping one day reason will prevail.

What else has changed? American’s are now buying up cheap waterfront property in the smaller communities for vacation purposes. It’s cheap, and with a fraction of the cost, they can get the home they have always dreamed of.

Tourism has also changed the small output communities that litter the coast. Since the days of the moratorium Newfoundland has struggled to mark another industry to subsidize one of the greatest loses in Newfoundland history. Thanks to oil revenues, we are able to fund a lot of projects centered around heritage renewal, and with that, in floods the tourists.

--------------

To Quote Dorothy Allison “Two or three things I know for sure, and one is that I'd rather go naked than wear the coat the world has made for me”. When I arrive I will be a newborn again. I will be coming of age in a community that will know me truly for the first time. This time though, I have power.

So what has changed? The outer shell of a place that will always have the same spirit. The same energy, people, isolation will always exists. I will relish in the foods I ate, and the people who interested me, who inspired me to think differently.

And what do I know? Nothing. Something? I know I’m still here. I know that if someone calls me a fag, it will no longer break me. I know who I am. I know that nothing can ever hurt me again with respect to my sexuality. I know I’m full-formed, completely, and utterly comfortable with myself.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.

So I begin again in a few weeks. I test the waters of all the relationships I recklessly left behind, without remorse. I hope I haven’t changed in their eyes, and in a way, I hope they have made changes. For there was a lot of things I left behind, being grateful, at the time. We will see….

I'm back

"The world is divided into two kinds of people. People who divide the world into two kinds of people, and people who don't." - Gloria Steinem

Hello fellow bloggers and readers alike. I just want to tell you all that I am sorry. I will never let love come in the way of writing again. And you know why I am back, don’t you? I mean, it must be obvious. We’ve called it quits.

I just want to promise you that I will not dedicated an entire blog to this guy. He’s deserving of it, but the wound is still fresh in my mind. Let’s just talk about nonsense instead.

I have been reading the Best of the Craigslist the last week or so. There were times when I was sitting in the office, reading about some annoying Barbie doll from SoCal who annoyed everyone in the coffee store so much, that someone wrote a small essay about it. It was hilarious. I was envious that I wasn’t the person who claimed to have split coffee on her…

Am I ok? Yeah. I mean, kind of. I have some shit to figure out now. It’s like I went in hiding for so long that I now have to figure out all the things that made me satisfied before I met Brad. My life is already busy enough so I don’t think it should take that much effort, though. I am ok. I’m better then ok.

What else…hmmmm. Oh yeah, Global Warming, it’s been done. The summer is non-existent and all the old eighty year old fucks in Victoria are reminiscing about what a real Islander summer is like. I’m not saying it’s not happening or anything but hell, there are weather trends also. It could very well be a weather trend.

Ok this is sad. I’m gonna have to take my laptop out with me and spy on really annoying people for inspiration. Right now I have nothing.

I miss him guys….

What am I doing?

There’s this forge and this ungrounded feeling that serves me ill. All along the paths I have taken, I have succumbed to the same broken thoughts, the doubts about who I am, where I am, what I am doing. My forge, which is within me, which could be around me, is starting to reek havoc on my well-being.

Whatever happened to the good ole’ days? The days when kids didn’t shoot up their parents, or when gays where secretly hiding and being miserable, or when the governments and our democracies hid their errors thanks to a lack of global broadcasting and free speech adjustments. What happened to the freedoms we once has in a time that was so restrictive?

This morning I awoke in my partners home. He can’t sleep without the aid of white noise, so I awake to the fan that is constantly churning in his bedroom. I’m on a single bed with a handful of sheets on top of me, red mind you; all I hear are the crows outside. I swear they get louder ever year. As I lie in his bed, awaiting his return, I know that this is all I want. I could make a life out of this and never question what I may be missing out on.

When I get up, I find him home already. He’s making breakfast for me to send me off to work. It’s a nice gesture but I am so out of it, I can’t acknowledge my thanks or even wish him a good day. I’m a stumbling fool at this point, but he understands, we had a long night celebrating his birthday.

I swear that everyday he gets even more handsome. Everyday I want to look at him even more, and the feelings I have for him are getting stronger. Everyday I am falling more and more in love with this guy. And trust me, I tried not to. I came up with so many excuses as to why I shouldn’t be with him. Even a month into it, I wasn’t that into him. I mean, I liked aspects of him but the entire package wasn’t there. Now, now I’m becoming more and more pathetic as the days go by. I’m officially convinced.

Relationship Update

The world is so pale next to you.

Brad and I aren’t moving forward; in fact because of our busy schedules we are now taking a step back. He only wants to see me on the weekends and he has stated that he ‘wants to have his cake and eat it to’. I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I want to be a weekend guy?

We went to a party together this weekend and there was this really hot couple hanging out. I was introduced to one of the guys, and I also flirted indirectly with his boyfriend. They both were masculine, and the boyfriend, who I didn’t talk to, had a beard; I guess I could say he was REALLY my type. The temptation was very difficult. I couldn’t help but notice him and want to be with him. And I guess now that we are taking a step back in our relationship, I wonder, should I? Is this what I really want? Should I say fuck it and inquire about bearded guy and his bf? I mean, nothing would come of it anyway. And I think the only way I would be interested is if he were single. So why even bother?

I think the point I am trying to make is, I am very pissed off about where this is going. I though we were doing so well and then I get blindsided by him. I know he still likes me, and I know that he is in to me, and I also understand his schedule and the things he needs to resolve in his life, but at the same time I guess I don't feel as needed or appreciated as I would like. When I am with someone, they should be willing to be there for me any day of the week, not just weekends. It sucks because I have opened myself up to him and now, when I actually want to spend time with him, he pulls away.

The man in me is still fucked. I am one hundred percent committed but the one thing I can’t stand is temptation. It wasn’t like this before in my previous relationship. I all wanted was my partner and the thought of other men didn’t even cross my mind. Now, it’s different…

Dudes in a car

I’m driving home last night after watching a movie with Brad. He’s caressing the back of my neck, which I love, and Brad mention to me that some dudes to my left took notice and said something nasty.

I look at the car to my left and I see three guys. A darker guy in the back giggling and pointing towards the guy in the passenger seat, and then to my amazement, I see what’s happening.

The guy in the passenger seat is getting the back of his neck caressed also. He's mocking us. They are ofcourse trying to put us down; they are trying to be complete assholes and make us feel bad for being two gay men who are publicly showing our affection; so I have to respond.

“Hey hot stuff. Looking good,” I say in a much stronger tone then my usual self. I’m looking right at the driver’s side passenger after giving a quick scan of the situation. The first thing I notice is the guy visibly jumping - I guess he didn't think we were on to their joke - and taking notice that my window is down.

They are obviously bothered now but they aren’t responding. In fact, they are not even looking my way anymore. They can talk the talk but when push comes to shove they have been dominated by one of their fears. A gay male has put them in their place. All I see now are the two people in the front of the car turn to eat other, whisper something and giggle.

I have to respond though and I do. “Yeah, that’s pretty hot man seeing your boyfriend rub the back of your neck like that. Man, I wish I could be a part of that!” Brad is in shock. He’s had bad experiences with men in the past. I guess being out at an earlier age gave him a few more experiences then myself. I haven’t had a physical confrontation before but am not opposed to it.

“HEY,” I say with an even more aggressive tone. “Maybe you should come over and rub my neck, hot stuff,” I reply. I look to Brad and I start laughing. And I see a few things happen. I see the power they once have slowly fade away, and then hand that was once caressing this guys neck is now quickly back on the steering wheel.

I’m furious and I am staring right at the dudes in the car. They, I think, are now afraid of how far I will go. What has turned into something so demoralizing for Brad and I has now turned into a situation where I have all the power. I am laughing and taunting these guys and they are too wimpy to take it to the next level.

I’m happy about this. I’m very pleased that I am at a point in my life where I am empowered and proud. I’m glad that I will not let people walk over me. After those three guys drove off, I was smiling ear to ear.

Lovely

Sometimes I still listen to the American Beauty soundtrack and think about that damn paper bag. I think about how significant something so plain and ordinary can be. I think sometimes I’m finally here, ya know. I’m finally contributing to society, and, I finally have friends, a boyfriend, and a family who I can understand. I have it all…yet, I feel empty. It’s not depression, or being unsatisfied in anyway, it’s just that I wonder if this is all there is? Is this my life?

I really should do something brave. I don’t know if I can be stuck in the same job, doing the same things, living in the same place. It’s not my nature. I was never like this. I was a rebel and I was only happy whenever I had a new project or something to obsess about. Now, I obsess about a presentation I have to give next Monday or the garden in the backyard, or my relationships with the people I love. I’m missing out.

There’s this change occurring. We all see it, no matter how sheltered or disillusioned we have become, the ice is receding friends; corporations are getting stronger, and the world as we know is losing species at an astounding rate.

The honey bee in America is in trouble. The honey bee which pollinates almost every fruit producing plant, every harvest crop give or take a few things like potatoes and like matters; the honey bee is dying. If the honey bee dies, then our cattle, our pigs, our animals that rely on these crops will also die. And then we are left with nothing. You see, it’s not just oil and gas anymore, it’s not temperature increases and floods, and it’s everything our species needs in order to survive. We’re dying.

I want to leave you with these thoughts on my Friday evening. I want you to think about your actions, because if we don’t, we aren’t going to have a world where it’s safe to live anymore. Our children, our nieces and nephews will struggle; they will suffer. And at this zenith, this epic time, when all life is in the balance, you can no longer turn a blind eye. You can no longer be ignorant because if you are, then all is lost.

I beg you. Think. Take yourselves off the grid. Lobby our governments. Change the world. It starts at one person at a time. I don’t want the people in my life to know who affected I am by this, I mean, I’m sure they are also, but I can be all doom and gloom.

When I mention these things to my parents, who live in the backwards fishing communities of Newfoundland, they think I’m crazy. They tell me they will hang up if I keep preaching these things. I don’t criticize the fact they have an SUV and a large Ford Truck, or that they do not recycle as much as they should, or that they are wasteful with energy, or that we don’t have much time left. I just tell them things will change in their lifetime if they don’t start thinking.

The last Glacier in Germany is melting away. I watch the news today as the German’s were desperately trying to cover large parts of the mountain with a tarp to deflect the sun. They have a couple of years left really; the last glacier in Germany will join the books with many other countries that have already lost their ice sheets. The polar bears are dying. Parasites and opportunistic species are coming back in full force. In fact, the pine beetle in BC is stronger then ever and on the East Coast the Spruce Bud Worm.

I see acres and acres of land failing us. I see the trees we so desperate need to keep this global warming crisis at bay; dying…it’s all I see anymore. I see it so clearly. The death around us and I want to scream at the masses. I am so angry. I can’t do anything only grieve ahead of time so that when the big day approaches, it will be out of my system and I will be ready to react.

My life is nothing but a sham now. It’s going to change. I’m going to see the world before it dies. I’m planning. I’m almost ready. And I don’t care about the responsibility of it all anymore; I will be content working on a farm somewhere, harvesting the land until it can’t support me anymore. I’m happy taking myself away from all this greed and destruction; this consumerism that has brainwashed so many.

Television, Radio, Billboards, Buses, Schools, Sidewalks, anything, it’s all been taken by these giants of consumerism. We’ve all be taken and we don’t even realize it. So how can we do something proactive in a world that has brainwashed us so badly? How can we change when all our youth can think about is the next release of Play station or World of War craft? Our children have been sucked into this void. This awful and dangerous place where it will take strength to escape. They have so many of them now and the numbers keep going up. If you don’t see the dangers, then you are one of them also.

Hornby Island

This is picture was taken on Hornby Island. Brad and I rented a cabin and also camping for a night while visiting this Island and it's brother, Denman Island. It was an awesome vacation. Very meditative and relaxing.

Enjoy.

I went to Sombrio Beach this weekend. We hiked along the ocean, climbed down mountain cliffs using ropes and ladders, walked through some old growth forest, and finally walked across a twenty story suspension bridge.

Life doesn't get any better.

I don’t know how to begin this one. In fact, I’m not even sure if I want to begin telling you what has happened. I do want everyone to know that I can’t wait for the summer and I plan on buying a bike rack and doing tons of camping and exploring.

The second thing I want to tell everyone is that I am in love with Brad. He’s a great guy, and, yeah, we have a few things to work on (mostly figuring out the sexual part of things) but regardless, I want to let everyone know how lucky and privileged I am to have met such a great guy.

I am still a little shocked about it all. I’m getting over it and really working on opening my heart to him. I’m not afraid anymore. In fact, I now understand what it’s like to have someone in my life that treats me the way people should be treated. I no longer want an emotionally unavailable guy who treats me poorly. I want to be with Brad, a guy who is totally into me, who cares about me, and who I know will respect me and make me smile for the rest of my life.

Ok, I’m being a little dramatic.

The new guy...

hill, originally uploaded by copeseticnature.

I remember a time when the city was full of architects and debutantes.

Brad and I are going strong. And yeah, I know, I won’t be writing every blog about this guy. I just want to let everyone see the good things in my life also. Most of the time I rant and I am judgmental, critical, dissatisfied; really I’m not though.

We were lying in bed last night and all I can do now is smile and look into his eyes. He smiles back and I start to get the ‘butterfly effect’. If you asked me how this would have played out six weeks ago, I would have told you I’m going to fuck around for a week or two and it’s over. Cause I’m not the settling type.

And here I am. I don’t want to mess around with anyone else. I am really turned on by the guy and my weekends involve planning things with him. We have our Sunday’s together – it’s common knowledge, and if we were to miss a Sunday, I would worry.

I have been saying some nice things to the guy. I first asked him what kind of guys he responds to; guys that treat him poorly and are emotionally unavailable or guys that are affectionate and kind? He picked the latter; I’m glad because it’s the way I generally am when I am into someone.

I told him that I enjoyed his company and with him all my problems and stresses disappear. I also comment on how handsome I found him and relayed the fact that I do ‘Like him”. I can’t say the other words. I am afraid of the response if I told him everything I am feeling. It’s too soon. One day.

Let me tell you all something. I’m a little scared. In fact, I’m terrified that I am going to fall for this guy and one day, he will get sick of me, or hell, he’ll cheat. I know he’s not like that though. I know a winner when I see one. But still, I think because of my earlier relationships with men, I am not used to dealing with someone who is actually an upstanding person. I’m not used to dealing with someone that treats me like a person. I’ll have to play it out. I mean, what’s the point of going through life without taking chances?

I can see a lot of things with us. I can see us settling into some small community and living a rather slow-pace life. I want some kids, a nice garden, and maybe start up our own business, travel a little…anyway, I’m over thinking things.

I’m seeing a new guy and he’s great. That’s all we both need to know.

I can't take my eyes off of you

I think I'm falling for him.

My Imagination

What's the immaterial substance
that envelopes two,
that one perceives as hunger
and the other as food.

I wake in tangled covers,
to a sash of snow,
you dream in a cartoon garden,
I could never know.

Innocent imitation,
of how it could be,
if when the music ended,
you did not retreat.

In my imagination,
you are cast in gold,
your image a compensation for me to hold.

Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.

Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.

Life, man

Living is breathing full, opening your eyes to the world around you and not wasting time on the trivial things. It’s standing tall, full of conviction with thought provoking ideas and a smile that isn’t limited to a particular time and place.

Living is going to bars with strangers who know as much about you as you know about them. Living is dressing with zest, owning art, eating good meals. Living is pretending you know what you’re doing when you don’t know anything for certain and what you do know seems to be changing all the time. Living isn’t about a plan, it’s about an ideal.

Living is knowing when to quit. It’s knowing when to call your bluff and take a plunge into the unknown. Living is about being everything you can be, and, the best you can be no matter who or what is stopping you. Living is knowing your wants and needs. It’s filling Maslow’s hierarchy to the nth degree.

My hand is numb today, numb to the pain; the throbbing muscle in my carpel that seems to be getting worse. My fingertips are vibrating and my right hand is usually purple in the mornings. I keep thinking it’s going to get better. I’m an optimist! It’s not. It’s only going to get worse. One day, when I least expect it, it’s not going to be better and I will have to make the pilgrimage into the doctors office and request the snip.

There was a time when my hand was fully functional. It was before I started working and realizing that life is about entrapment. Life is about taking a person so full of promise, so full of expectation and love for the world around him, and putting that person in situations where he no longer has a choice. We have to beat them down. We have to manage and control, we have to take the people who grow up with promise and let them know that it was just a dream.

Living is rolling with the punches. It’s letting people take advantage, or even letting people lie outright and noy even skipping a beat when you find out. It’s about shedding all the moral righteousness that people wear on their sleeves. It’s about seeing past everything and finding a place that no longer affects. It’s about become cold and numb to the nuiances in life and becoming totally selfish and absorbed in your own pleasures.

The real world is a nightmare and as much as we want to wake up, as much as we want to acknowledge that this is just temporary – “I’ll work for a couple more years, save up, then I will do the things I want” – it’s just a dream. It’s hope that we all have; hope that we hold on to; we want purpose. It’s ok though if you are content. Obviously I have given it much more thought as you.

I want to live. I want to consume as many positive things as possible. I want to meet as many interesting people as I can. I want to smile constantly, live life to the fullest, pass each day knowing that I did as much as I could and it’s not lost. It’s never lost in my eye. I want to be surrounded with color, compassion, love; I want everything. I want my soul to be filled constantly with no downtime.

Want destroys perspective. I know I want too many things. It’s been with me all my life; I think it’s because I missed out on so much when I was younger. I was too patient, I was too timid, and I didn’t find strength and conviction until a much later age. I think I was 23 before I snapped out of it. It being everything in my line of sight, everything in my life. I didn’t see until a much later age, you know. And now that I see the beautiful, the promise, I want so much more.

I am in my office and looking from office to office, noticing my co-workers. I feel sorry for them, caged up so. Some are young and full of energy. They are fresh out of school with a “I will succeed attitude”. They want it so bad and they haven’t been in the working world long enough to see. They haven’t lived their lives. And, yeah, I know I am projecting. I haven’t lived my life. I am totally being a hypocrite as I sit here and judge them. Sometimes I feel as if this is all I know and will ever know. As much as I complain I have this great fear that five years down the road I will be doing the same thing: critiquing everyone but myself.

I feel anxious about succeeding in a mediocre world and I’d rather live.

Relationships and worries

I used to be afraid of the dark, even until my later teen years. I would stumble home on a Friday or Saturday night and head downstairs to my bedroom. The whole time I would think about the monsters lurking in the dark, some unknown presence that could jump out and grab me and pull me away to its dark lair.

As I have gotten older, I no longer fear the demons in the dark but I want to be clear about this: I do have demons. I think they prevent me from getting close to people. They are my guards. They are the reason why I am so adamant about not falling in love or being in a relationship. They tell me I am better off alone.

I am fighting my demons so I can still be with Brad. It is a difficult struggle and I am constantly fighting my mind to rid myself of the doubt, or the strength I accumulated after my last devastating break up. Regardless, it’s happening, although I can’t measure it; I am in a different place right now and the future will only tell where it will lead me.

As I head out this weekend and enjoy St. Paddy’s Day. I can’t help but notice all the men – the majority straight – guys who are around. They are clad in the usual dress, and once or twice I manage to strike up some conversation.

One guy in particular approaches me at a small pub Brad and I went to. He tells me he’s bi and would love to fool around with myself and a girl. I flirt a little; he flirts back, and then behold, Brad steps forward to end our fun.

He tells me it’s because he thought the guy was being rude. The funny thing is, I really don’t mind. When he stepped in between us and had a talk with the other guy I was smiling. Normally I would be profoundly upset, but this act actually made me like him more. He was jealous although he didn’t admit it.

The past few weeks have been a trip. I have been very open to spending my time with one guy. We have cooked dinners together, went for hikes, watched movies, and even smoked a little pot.

He makes me laugh. He makes me a little jealous. He turns me on to no degree. I am asking myself why I don’t love him. Why I can’t – after 6 weeks – be totally and utterly smitten with this dude. Victoria’s number one bachelor and still nothing…well, there is something, but it’s not the unbridled passion I seek.

It’s for the best, I guess. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to fall into the trap of being head over hills. I like still having my wits about me. But oh, how I miss that romance; how I miss the gripping, uncontrolled, tumultuous passion I once had.

There is only one thing left to do. Play it out. Maybe I will find this same passion but in a different way. Maybe I’ll never find that passion again? Maybe I’m getting old and I really can’t be as picky as I once was. I still have my looks, and I have so much more, but how long will it last?

I see so many old and haggard gay men who troll it up at the gym. They walk through the bushes at parks, and they pick up hitchers, hang out in hot tubs and hot springs, and walk the local hiking trails.

They are everywhere. It’s so strange, you know. How five years ago I could go to these places and be oblivious to it all; now, it’s all I can see. I can smell them, sense their eyes raping my body, and, their desperation.

I don’t want to be an old troll and if it means finding something that is close to passion, which never equals what I once had, so be it. Besides, I don’t even like hot tubs.

Can't feel a thing...

When did I realize that everything I ever knew in this world was false?

I’m 28 now.

I’m single – business as usual if you ask me.

And, I’m living the American Dream. Accumulation, wealth, material possessions, cars, good careers; God, when will it change?

I think most people are ok with it. I think I should be ok, but I’m not. If anything I am getting worse. I find myself wanting to retreat more and more and my mind is fantasizing about something more romantic. That’s why I write, I want to secretly be a great writer, or photographer, or join some sort of green peace organization where I travel the world empowering people with purpose.

I want more….

I’m seeing a guy named Brad now. It’s been close to a month and this is – on record – one of the longest relationships I have had. We don’t just spend a couple of hours together; we spend weekends together.

Brad makes me laugh; Brad makes me smile; Brad makes me realize that no matter how great someone can be, I still don’t think I’m capable of being in love again. And, trust me, if I were to be in love it would be with someone like Brad. He has everything I want in a guy…

I think some people are destined to live a different live. Not everyone is family material. I dream of the white picket fence with children, PTA meetings, soccer practice, but I don’t see a partner in my life when I live that life. I can raise children on my own and I don’t feel as if I need the family unit to do so.

This weekend I’m heading down to the naval recruiting office to fill out an application. I have my transcripts, which I will have to dig around for, and I think I am ready to do something completely different in my life.

Soon I’ll be 30…

A Tree

You're dead to me

I have had my first taste of gay drama! Oh God, how I loath the word drama. I want to give you two sides of the story, and then, you can form whichever opinion you want.

How I loath the word drama. So many people use it. Drama! I associated the word with really bad pop music and the gay culture. Everyone is screwing everyone else over, and in our culture, it can be taken literally and metaphorically. I am in one of the most competitive sub-cultures out there.

My roommate Sandy, who I think is a complete a-hole, is hanging out with my on Valentine’s Day. We’re having some wine and I proceed to point out a guy on my MSN that I am talking to. He leans in, takes a look at the picture, mentions he’s cute and then goes in his room for a bit.

An hour later, Sandy reappears telling me that he’s know this guy for a few days, but he didn’t want to say anything, and that the guy proposed sex, and blah blah blah. In other words, Sandy wanted me to stay away from him. So fair enough, he lied about knowing him…

The next day I decide to talk to my online buddy and I mentioned that he knows my roommate. Now, I get a completely different story. He tells me Sandy added him the night before – the night I point him out – and that Sandy tells him that he got his MSN from my computer.

To make the story even worse, Sandy is the guy who asks him for sex, and he even goes so far as to point out the fact that he is better looking then I am. All the while, I am sitting in my room… I had no idea someone could do something so devious. And, he even has the gull to come back to my room and make up a story, lie to me, and expect me to believe it. I’m not a stupid guy…

The first thing I want to talk about is who is better looking…haha. I have to. I can’t help it. I have been with a lot of hot guys, in fact, some of them – including my ex’s – have gotten to meet Sandy, and they find him gross. He’s a hairless, fake tanned, overly feminine Toronto boy with a nasty attitude. I think you get the picture…

Secondly, I was warned about Sandy. I have caught Sandy talking behind my back, telling people that I was after ‘his men’ and was talking to people online that he was interested in. From a psychological point of view, he is projecting. The only men I have seen this guy with were people I have already had dealings with. There is no competition; we are two completely different people. He’s gross, man.

Third, my gut feeling tells me to believe the guy online. He has no reason to lie, and judging from my past encounters with my roommate, I think there are a lot of issues he has to work out. He’s talked about me, he’s lied to me, and I have caught him lying to other people as well.

I was so angry yesterday. I yelled at him, slammed a door, and he hasn’t been back sense. I know he’s guilty and now we need to have a talk about how people should respect their roommates. I have been nothing but good. Seriously! But now, it’s over. He will see how I am with people I dislike. I want him out. I want the energy in my home to return to normal, because it’s dirty and depressing right now with this leach around.

I have heard the word Drama about 40 times this week. I think I'm going to pretend to like women for now on...

Wayfaring Stranger

Bricks, originally uploaded by copeseticnature.

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
A-traveling thru this world below
But there's no sickness, toil, or danger
In that bright land to which I go
I'm going there to see my Father
I'm going there no more to roam
I'm just a-going over Jordan
I'm just a-going over home

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
A-traveling thru this world below
But there's no sickness, toil, or danger
In that bright land to which I go
I'm going there to see my mother
She said she'd meet me when I come
I'm just a-going over Jordan
I'm just a-going over home
I'm just a-going over home

We get no second chance in this life

It’s Valentine’s Day.

My car has starter issues and I had to ask a friend of mine, who I have known for four years, to bring me home from work. I work with him and know his wife also. It seems like he has seen my life progress since I have arrived in Victoria.

Yesterday he told me he’s getting a divorce. Everything in his life, for the past seven years, has been a lie. They are both at this cross roads where neither of them knows who they are…We talk about this on the twenty five minute drive home and on the drive to work today.

What can I say? We’re all trying to figure it out. It’s a shock to see a couple, who I assumed to be solid, dissipate. Now they will have to explore the world again, fresh eyes, new intentions, and, it could be exciting or it could be the thing that brings them back to one another.

It’s not uncommon to divorce and share custody of a child. I am not worried at all, because I too am a product of a home that split apart, and fortunately back together again after a few years.

Its life, you know? We’re all just trying to figure it out. Sometimes people reach an age where they start questioning their existence, combined with the onslaught of issues of the future: the global economy, global warming, population increases, and the world of greed. I am bringing it up because it’s the same things we talked about yesterday. The world is dying and it’s changing the way we view our lives.

I know most people think we’ll be ok, but in twenty years when we start hitting the reserves, it won’t be. I won’t bother investing in real estate and I would think twice about RRSPs; I think you should start thinking about how to survive, maybe take a few courses on self-survival.

I think we need to start learning how to grow organic foods (crops), learning how to live off the hand, learn how to be human again, learn how to build shelters and heal ailments.

I don’t want to mix doomsday with Valentine’s Day but they are related. Flowers are being shipped all around the world this week for spouses, girlfriends, even boyfriends; this is done by plane and this contributes to our world problems.

If someone asks why you didn’t buy them flowers this holiday tell them you no longer want to contribute to the world’s destruction. Start talking about it. You have to. Time is running out friends.

Happy Valentine’s Day.