A fucking speeding ticket

I think life is a series of strange, interconnected coincidences. I was driving to work today, after hearing that Canada now has a conservative minority government. A government that will strive to provide as many extreme social policies that infringe on our Canadian rights. We now have a government that is a firm believer in church and state, and will stop at nothing to change our social systems to suit their beliefs. A government that isn’t Canadian! We are embarking down a new and unforseen political existance here in Canada; where the majority is apathetic. I'm wondering how I fit into it all? Does it even matter? Even the strongest political minds give up; lose hope, because I do not have an alternative.

This morning I’m cruising at about 103 KMs on the Pat Bay Highway, which is normal cruising speed for me, if not a little faster. I’m making good pace as usual, and I see him out of the corner of my eye. A fucking cop and his sights are set on me. I get pulled over, and immediately I think of past situations where I have used politeness and charm to get myself off the hook. In one situation, I used having to use the washroom as a scapegoat, and it worked! One other time, my buddy's father was friends with the officer; another time my youth saved me. This time, it has been so long, I lack the sense to even think coherently about a possible escape, so lets try sheer intelligence and wit.

He approaches my car – after I delicately pull the seat belt over me (oops) - and I start with a joke right away. “I’m sorry sir, I would have noticed you earlier but I was making some good progress, all eyes on the road, that’s me” with a grin that is so me. He’s smiling and I can tell this is a cop who has a good sense of humor. He’s a burley man, with some chunk to his step. I always thought RCMP officers have a mandate to keep in shape…I can assure you; I could run circles around this dude. I have a feeling that this isn't an asshole cop. He's a nice guy, he wants me to learn a lesson, and maybe giving me a warning may just accomplish this!

I hand him an expired insurance form, I can’t find the most updated copy and a license with the wrong address. “Sorry officer, this is the first time I have had to get his information out in about eight years!” looking him directly in the eye hoping that he would please let me off with this atrocity. I try to make my hands shake a little as I pass him my information. Hopefully he will take pity; could possibly work to my advantage. “Sir, look how nervous I am, my hands are shaking” and I hand him the information staring him directly in the eyes. He dismisses me and heads back to his cop car. If I could cry, I seriously would have at that time. I don’t possess that talent – my aunt could cry on a dime. She would flash him a beautiful smile, read the situation, and elegantly burst out in tears if she felt it wasn’t going her way. Women have it easy at times; beauty and emotion are powerful tools when getting what you want.

Now I play the waiting game. Was I charming enough? Did I plant enough seeds into this monkey’s head to get off? Damn, I hate the suspense. It’s like buying a lottery ticket, having 80 percent of it scratched and having a slight tinge of hope that this could be the one. Oh my, I found my updated insurance information - a pang of excitement, this could be the bargaining criteria I need. I'm waving it out the window in a feeble attempt to gain some sort of edge over this situation. After realizing that he may think I'm crazy - waving papers and such - I digress back into my state of shame and self-loathing.

Well he’s taking his damn time. Jesus, are they doing a credit check? I’m waiting in my fucking car, so that the MAN, the fucking MAN can give me a ticket…when I look around and see other vehicles going well over 103. This highway is like the Daytona raceway, and little ole me gets pulled over instead of Johnny who’s driving from Langford with his latest taxidermy victim…why me? Personally, now that the conservatives are in power, I’m sure this is because I’m gay. I have stickers on my car, he must have seen it. Come to think of it, when we were talking I could have swore he was stroking his nightstick. He wants to bash me I just know it. Harper is already extending his hate on the rest of the general population.

He comes back and passes me a ticket. “Well, I took it down to a hundred KMs so that you won’t have to pay an absurd amount of money”. I’m looking at him in disbelief and really want to relay my disappointment in my new friend Officer Dickhead. Ok well, the ticket is written, what’s done is done, I can now rant at this fucking scumbag. “Officer, you pulled me over, I’m not sure if you are looking around at all, but there are tons of drivers who pass me going well over a hundred. Yet, you pull me over!” He looks at me with a little bit of shock. This delicate young man is voicing opinions. He only replies “I’m sorry sir I’m just doing my job”.

“Where else in Canada does a highway have a speed limit of 80 KMs, it’s ridiculous?” I almost shout. I feel my blood pressure rising, I am getting worked up. He is on edge now, knowing that if this continues it will only get worse. “I don’t make the law; this is something you’ll have to take up with the province. His demeanor hasn’t changed, but I see considering that nightstick again! I keep ranting and I bring up the elections, and I bring up the lack of proper social codes in Canada. He wants to get away, and manages to interrupt by saying, “If you pay this ticket in less than 30 days, you will save yourself 25 dollars”. Christ thanks a fucking lot; you’re a saint I swear. How could I have ever thought you were out to get me? He prepares to walk away and wishes me a good day. I stick my head out the window and I yell “WHATEVER!”, grumbling pig under my breath; start up my car and peel off.

I hate tickets. I hate cops. I was always a renegade. I think laws are created to control and take advantage of the meek who never question what sort of state they are living in. We are living in a conservative government now, I’m sure next time I get pulled over, they will notice I’m gay and finger print me, just to enter me into the homosexual offenders registry. Soon, they will pack us all up and give us our own island/utopia so that we can sin outside of the Canadian establishment. There’s no place in Canada for homosexual speeders now. I’m moving to Europe – most places don’t even have speed limits in Europe.

I'm still going to speed, you know. One ticket will not stop the excitement and pleasure I get from having a heavy foot. Zipping from lane to lane, in an attempt to save just a minute or two of mine, and knowing full well it really doesn't make a difference. What can I say, I'm a sucker for punishment.

-- The sky was full, with a grey winter light. And, each freezing degree made it's target that night. The pulse of the snow, was the pulse of twilight. 7:45....The sky will sing tonight.