John Henry Don't Say a Word

I haven't been smoking since Thursday - a herbal remedy. The only issue I have is the fact it brings me down - after a while of not smoking - I am down. Hence, the past entry...recapping my life, a life so different and unbelievable when I look at when I am right now. I could tell you so many shocking things...but is it appropriate? I think there are boundaries we are put up, and make sure that very few people get past those boundaries, for if you share too much, you maybe judged - only because they don't know you enough to accept it.

I think I am finally done with it though. I just don't feel like I want to go through the quitting phase of things again. It's so painful, and although I haven't tried heroin I hear it's just as hard to quit as nicotine...or the opposite I suppose.

My mother phoned me tonight. Our relationship is better...now it's my father who is non-existent, but we all move on anyway, don't we? She was talking about my speech impediment I had as a child. Some sort of freakish, incomprehensible, lack of pronounciation that only a few people (my sister, next door neighbor) could understand. My father who worked away a lot would have to ask my sister what I said...which I found to be quite hurtful.


Anyway, she wanted to know if it impacted my life in anyway. I had to think...well yes, but well...Jesus what a fucking question. Yes and No. No regrets Mom, I mean what the fuck? Who thinks about things like that? I lost the impediment around puberty and was accepted finally by society...it wasn't that bad. Once I could blend it. I wasn't segregated anymore. Isn't that the way society works? Unless you fit into some sort of social group your out...right? Survival of the fittest. It just made me appreciate things a little more, and I cannot tolerate people who condemn others. It made me a good people watcher and extremely distrustful of strange men...is that a bad thing?

I dunno.

"be kind, for everyone is fighting a great battle."

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Songs: Ohia

Never look back cause I know what I lost;
lost a little time, lost some friends of mine.
Maybe some of them things might have turned out ok,
Can't save everything, can't save everything
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